Five New Ways for Netflix to Piss Off Customers

Those scamps at Netflix are at it again! First they announce

that they are doubling their subscription fee for people who want both the

delivery service and streaming. Then they announced that they would be

losing streaming rights for many of the major distributors, and  they're

making each account unable to stream from more than one location at a time.

Dammit, Netlfix (now also known as Qwikster)!

What about the families whose various members like to use their service at the

same time? Or those of us who are lazy and mooch off of our roommates' accounts?

Netflix says these changing are to cut costs and remain competitive in a

changing marketplace, but we think they just get a kick out of annoying

customers. We here at Cultist have some more 'cost cutting' measures for

Netflix that will be sure to enrage everybody.

5. Make only the bad premium cable shows available
One of the biggest complaints about Netflix Instant Watch is

that despite having a wealth of TV shows available to viewers, many of the most

critically acclaimed shows on HBO, AMC, and Showtime are unavailable. If Netflix

really wants to get under their customers' skin they should announce a

partnership with the premium networks, but only for their worst shows. Want to

get caught up on Breaking Bad and The Walking Dead? Too bad, all Netflix will

have from AMC will be Rubicon and The Killing. Can't wait for your favorite HBO

show to be available at your fingertips? Better hope your favorite show is How

To Make It In America

4. Force customers to mail DVDs
Netflix claims that many of their unpopular policies come

from having to cut costs in order to stay competitive in the marketplace. What

better way to lower overhead AND piss off customers than to eliminate those

distribution centers that serve as the middlemen for customers to give and

receive DVDs? If the customer wants the next DVD in their queue, they'll just

have to wait for the last guy with the disc to go to their local post office

and pay for shipping out of their own copy. Better hope that the last guy with

The King's Speech doesn't live cross the country.

3. Place advertisements throughout Instant Watch
One of the advantages that Netflix Instant Watch has over

similar services such as Hulu Plus is that it doesn't inundate the product with

commercials after the customer has already paid for the service. Yet. If

Netflix wants to really get their fan base's goat and make some cash they will

place commercials before, during, and after anything viewed on streaming.

Remember when VHS and DVD had Coming Attractions before any movie? Bring it

back! And if the customers don't like having to wait seven minutes to start

watching the movie then they can just use the time to make themselves a snack,

just like at the theater. (Note to Netflix: find a way to get in to the movie

snack business -- there's plenty of money in it!)

2. Publish whatever the customer is watching to social networks
Already Netflix has the option available for people to link

their account to their Facebook, an option few indulge in because people

recognize that nobody cares what movie they just watched or their tastes in

cinema is embarrassingly terrible. Eliminate the option. Team up with Facebook

and Twitter and make the publishing of customer's queues mandatory. Binged on

all of the films that Julianne Moore appeared naked in? Everyone is going to know

it. This function may become the great equalizer as if anybody criticizes what

you watch you can always throw their undying love of the Police Academy

franchise in their face.

1. Cease distributing movies to home and cancel Instant

The easiest way for Netflix to turn a profit as well as

infuriate their customers would just to completely abandon their operating

model. Sure it was a good decade or so where people could get movies delivered

to their home at a flat rate with online streaming as a free perk, but the

people have spoken and that's just not a viable way to make money. (When we say

the 'people have spoken' we mean all of the major studios who are currently

hemorrhaging money).

Netflix needs a new model of operation to stay competitive

in the marketplace. They should try something nobody has ever done. What about having stores

across the country where people could rent the DVDs they want for a few days at

a time at a constant price? Such a visionary plan would ensue financial prosperity

for Netflix and the Movie Studios for years to come.

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