Five Movies That'll Keep You From Getting Married

​Ah marriage. Nothing wrecks your sex drive, puts on the pounds, and generally makes you a loathsome miserable bitter human as efficiently as marriage. Of course there's that whole thing about growing old and dying alone you have to contend with if you don't get married. Screw you, Universe!

In honor of Company, the musical comedy about the reluctance to getting married, which opens this Friday at the Main Street Playhouse, we give you five movies that will inspire you to stay the hell away from taking the plunge:

5. Fatal Attraction (1987)


This movie scared the shit out of husbands everywhere in Eighties. And for good reason. Dan (Michael Douglas) is a happily married attorney. But, because Dan is a man with a penis, he ups and cheats on his wife with colleague Alex (Glenn Close). As it turns out, Alex is a bit of an obsessed nutbag. She stalks Dan at his office, his home, and even the new town he moves to with his family. She pours acid on his car, confronts him at every turn, and boils the family's pet rabbit.

Wives took their husbands to see this just to watch their reactions during the movie. "That crazy-ass Beth who answers phones at your job is just like Alex! You're totally banging her aren't you?!" Thanks a lot Michael Douglas, jerk. 

4. Mrs. Doubtfire (1993)


Divorce is a bitch. Especially when kids are involved. Daniel Hibbard (Robin Williams) experiences the pain of losing custody of his three kids when his wife Miranda (Sally Fields) divorces him. Apparently, dad throws a party for his son that earns complaints from their neighbor (holy crapnuggets that Miranda is an uptight wench). Miranda eventually meets another dude (an equally uptight English turd), so it just may work out.

But it doesn't. Instead, all of these circumstances force Daniel to dress up as an elderly Scottish woman named Mrs. Doubtfire so he can secretly see his kids by becoming their caretaker. Shenanigans, of course, ensue. And because it's Robin Williams, Miranda and the kids never suspect a thing! So, to recap: Being married with kids may one day lead you to become a tranny. 

3. War of The Roses (1989)

Barbara (Kathleen Turner) grows bored of her husband Oliver (Michael Douglas). They eventually get a divorce and begin a long dragged out custody battle over their mansion and everything in it. The two do everything they can to get the other to leave. They throw plates at each other, destroy furniture, blow up the stove, cook the dog, and generally wreck shit up good and proper.

Sounds like a typical divorce, until Oliver runs over Barbara's cat and she retaliates by locking him in the sauna where he almost dies of heat stroke. He attacks her, she hides, and eventually the warring couple find themselves hanging on the mansion's fragile chandelier high on the ceiling. The chandelier breaks and they both plummet to their deaths (um, SPOILER ALERT?). Marriage is such a romantic and exciting delight! 

2. So I Married An Axe Murderer (1993)

Mike Myers stars in this romantic comedy about a poet who has had a shit run of luck when it comes to women, which, in turn, makes him afraid of commitment. But then he meets pretty meat butcher Harriet (Nancy Travis) and falls in love. But Charlie eventually suspects that the girl of his dreams might be a serial murderer who kills her husbands on their wedding night.

His best friend and mother think he's just fishing for an excuse to back out and not get hitched. But Charlie has plenty of reasons to think his girl will chop him to bits once they get married. It's a fairly funny movie filled with the usual Mike Myers facial ticks and patented wit. It's the kind of movie Tyler Perry would make if he was from Canada, or if he ever dropped acid. 

1. I Think I Love My Wife (2007)

Richard (Chris Rock) is a happily married man with two kids, a beautiful wife, a house in the suburbs and a good job. But he's not getting any from his wife and because Richard is a man with a penis, he starts to flirt with Nikki, a slap-your-mama-in-the-face hot single friend he hasn't seen in years. Nikki flirts back, and their friendship starts to heat up when Richard helps her out of a few jams. Soon Richard finds himself in a pickle. Nikki wants to bang, and he needs to figure out if an affair is worth it.

Should he stay with his wife of seven years, or scratch the itch with Nikki? Sure Brenda is a beautiful wife. But Nikki is also beautiful. Plus, she wears lacy thongs! Eventually every married man has to deal with this. Unfortunately, their lives are not scripts written by Chris Rock and Louis CK, nor does their dilemma get neatly ironed out in two hours. Hooray monogamy!

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