Fish or Cut Bait?

Statistically, the Miami Marlins are the worst team in baseball, which isn’t to say there aren’t other things they are good at. Heck, Aung San Suu Kyi could very well suck at juggling, but that’s why she’s dedicated herself to opposing Burma’s military junta, not joining a circus. By the way, does anyone know if she’s a lefty? The bullpen could use her. Friday begins a four-game series of the Marlins against the San Diego Padres at Marlins Park (501 Marlins Way, Miami). Miami’s current losing percentage is almost the same as the winning percentage of the 1927 Yankees, the World Series-winning team that featured the storied Murderer’s Row of Babe Ruth, Lou Gherig, and Earle Combs. But for every murderer, there must be a victim, and the Marlins are doing their part for posterity. Still, there are signs of life yet, what with lead-off man Juan Pierre finally back on form and Logan Morrison likely to be back to fitness. Meanwhile, if San Diego shortstop Everth Cabrera is able to maintain his health, expect his stellar season, marked by one of the league’s top WAR ratings, to continue at Marlins Park. The Padres are hovering around a .500 winning percentage, so you could, if probability worked that way, predict the outcome of this game with a coin flip. Just be sure that greedy Marlins owner and dyspeptic toad Jeffrey Loria doesn’t use his prehensile tongue to snatch the quarter midair. The game begins at 7:10 p.m., and a fireworks show will follow after one of these two teams loses. Tickets range in price from $13 to $495 at, but honestly, you could probably put on a Marlins uniform, walk in for free, and nobody would know the difference. You might even play a few innings.
Fri., June 28, 7 p.m., 2013
KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
B. Caplan

Latest Stories