Nothing in Miami is what it seems. Not the tans. Not the boobs. And soon, not the dogs.
This summer, Florida's ban on dying animals -- as in, coloring the fur of living animals, not just a ban on, like, fluffy bunnies with terminal cancer -- will be lifted. And extreme dog grooming, the nation's most flamboyant and terrifying grooming subculture -- a niche far more dark and sinister than even Groomer Has It -- will finally be free to invade Miami, which is already arguably the country's vainest city.
The results will be surely be spectacular. And sad. So very sad.
So prepare yourself for the influx of rainbow-hued perros coming soon to a dog park near you. The photos beyond the jump may give you nightmares tonight, but trust us -- it's time to toughen up. You'll thank us in a couple months when a standard poodle-sized unicorn trots down Lincoln Road and you barely bat an eye.
The Solid Color
Ah yes, the classy approach to dying man's best friend. When it comes to fashion, it's always best to keep it simple and elegant. And bright, flaming pink.
A Rainbow of Torture
We don't care how down with marriage equality you are. Doing this to your pet will only hurt your cause.
Seasonal Affective Dying
Is it just us, or is this lepre-pup actually dying inside? NOT COOL, IRISHMEN.
Spider-Pup! Spider-Pup! Does whatever a scared animal in a cage he can barely turn around in does! (Which is look at you imploringly, obvs.)
Senseless Acts of Color
The only explanation we can think of: Britto.
What Is This I Cannot Even
A seascape? The Loch Ness Monster? A hybrid of merman and Wizard of Oz munchkin? WHAT IS GOING ON HERE.
Next Time Just Get A Pony
It'll be way less embarrassing, and probably cheaper than whatever you paid for those extensions.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.