Eight Celebs Not Cut Out for Motherhood

Nurturing. Feminine. Capable. Sensible. Self-sacrificing. The checklist of things that make a mother good at her job is really no joke. Yes, when a woman becomes a mother, everyone knows there's a chemical change that transforms her from the self-seeking party animal she may have been into a softer, more generous, more accountable version of her former self... usually.

But we hold there are certain ladies out there who are so far off the mark, no amount of pendulum swinging would bring them into the "good mom" zone. For some it's too late (ahem, Britney), but just in time for Mother's Day, we've decided to call out a number of those that might still benefit (read also, seethe) from a well-meaning warning.

1. Beyonce

Okay, she's got the soft, feminine way about

her. She seems even-tempered and kind. She's got the money to provide

for a sizable brood. And she's certainly got the birthing hips (in a good

way!). So why shouldn't she and husband Jay-Z take the plunge into


Simple. As we witnessed during her recent appearance at the

MET Gala 2011, when her dress was so tight she had to be carried up the

stairs, there is no room for even a microscopic zygote, let alone an

eight-month-old fetus, inside her clothes. The poor baby bean would be

squeezed up the length of her curvalicious torso and left to develop in

the crevice of her collar bone or the side of her neck, and that just

isn't fair to do to the unborn.

2. Snookie
A Snookie Mini-Me??!! Please no!

​We can just picture this round little Dirty Jerzey girl sticking her

tiny goombah in a tanning bed in preparation for his six month baby

portrait and signing him up for GTL Little League the moment he can

crawl. Even more frightening, she could have a girl and raise her to be

just like mommy. 

3. Ke$ha

little blond rat brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels and enjoys

singing "sleazy" songs about circle jerks. We don't even like the fact

that she makes cameos on kids' shows like Victoria Justice's Notorious, let alone the possibility of her popping out a youngin' of her own. Let your biological clock Tik Tok a little more, K-munny.

4. Tara Reid
C Lamb
Tara Reid should hold off on motherhood
​She may not be the center of countless public displays of stupidity as

she once was, but that fact alone does not a well-equipped life-giver

make. First of all, she needs to stock up on some prenatal vitamins,

regardless of whether she gets preggers or not. Her hair and skin look

ready to flake off her skull in dry chunks.

Alternatively, it might help

if she took up eating food again. As it is, a developing embryo would

probably have to sponge off her kidneys or liver for sustenance, and

with the dregs of years of substance abuse stored in there, that's not a

pretty thought.

5. Lindsay Lohan 
Oh, where do we begin. Two DUIs, the revolving door at rehab, and shoplifting things she can

afford... we just get the feeling she's not ready to take

responsibility for someone else's life. Keep that 'script filled!! (The

one for Yaz, not hillbilly heroin.)

6. Kathy Griffin
​So Kathy's aging a bit, but that doesn't mean she can't make plans to

procreate. And why shouldn't she? She's clawed her way from obscurity

into relative fame. She's a formidable LGBT rights and political

activist. She's funny, smart, and definitely ballsy. So why discourage

her from proliferating?

Between her self-deprecating stand-up, labeling

herself a D-List celebrity, and her frequent trips back to the plastic

surgeon's office, we're just a little worried that all that insecurity

might make for a tough umbrella to grow up under. No offense.

Kenly and Olsen talk about their respectful, loving relationship with Sheen
7. & 8. Charlie Sheen's "Goddesses": Natalie Kenly and Bree Olsen

the infamous ABC interview, these gals may look convincingly motherly,

snuggling with Sheen's twin boys. But the hard truth is that this

model/nanny and porn star duo have decided that it's a good idea to

shack up with a man who brags about how enormous the crack rocks he

smokes are. Sheen currently shares custody of his kids with his

soon-to-be ex-wife, but with the media attention his, uh, alternative

lifestyle has been commanding, the time the boys spend in the tiger's

blood den may soon dwindle. Let's just pray his brainwashed female

cronies aren't soon called upon to carry the next generation of the

crackhead cult into the world.

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