Nurturing. Feminine. Capable. Sensible. Self-sacrificing. The checklist of things that make a mother good at her job is really no joke. Yes, when a woman becomes a mother, everyone knows there's a chemical change that transforms her from the self-seeking party animal she may have been into a softer, more generous, more accountable version of her former self... usually.
But we hold there are certain ladies out there who are so far off the mark, no amount of pendulum swinging would bring them into the "good mom" zone. For some it's too late (ahem, Britney), but just in time for Mother's Day, we've decided to call out a number of those that might still benefit (read also, seethe) from a well-meaning warning.
1. Beyonce
her. She seems even-tempered and kind. She's got the money to provide
for a sizable brood. And she's certainly got the birthing hips (in a good
way!). So why shouldn't she and husband Jay-Z take the plunge into
parenthood?
Simple. As we witnessed during her recent appearance at the
MET Gala 2011, when her dress was so tight she had to be carried up the
stairs, there is no room for even a microscopic zygote, let alone an
eight-month-old fetus, inside her clothes. The poor baby bean would be
squeezed up the length of her curvalicious torso and left to develop in
the crevice of her collar bone or the side of her neck, and that just
isn't fair to do to the unborn.
We can just picture this round little Dirty Jerzey girl sticking her
tiny goombah in a tanning bed in preparation for his six month baby
portrait and signing him up for GTL Little League the moment he can
crawl. Even more frightening, she could have a girl and raise her to be
just like mommy.
little blond rat brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels and enjoys
singing "sleazy" songs about circle jerks. We don't even like the fact
that she makes cameos on kids' shows like Victoria Justice's Notorious, let alone the possibility of her popping out a youngin' of her own. Let your biological clock Tik Tok a little more, K-munny.
4. Tara ReidShe may not be the center of countless public displays of stupidity as
she once was, but that fact alone does not a well-equipped life-giver
make. First of all, she needs to stock up on some prenatal vitamins,
regardless of whether she gets preggers or not. Her hair and skin look
ready to flake off her skull in dry chunks.
Alternatively, it might help
if she took up eating food again. As it is, a developing embryo would
probably have to sponge off her kidneys or liver for sustenance, and
with the dregs of years of substance abuse stored in there, that's not a
pretty thought.
afford... we just get the feeling she's not ready to take
responsibility for someone else's life. Keep that 'script filled!! (The
one for Yaz, not hillbilly heroin.)
procreate. And why shouldn't she? She's clawed her way from obscurity
into relative fame. She's a formidable LGBT rights and political
activist. She's funny, smart, and definitely ballsy. So why discourage
her from proliferating?
Between her self-deprecating stand-up, labeling
herself a D-List celebrity, and her frequent trips back to the plastic
surgeon's office, we're just a little worried that all that insecurity
might make for a tough umbrella to grow up under. No offense.
the infamous ABC interview, these gals may look convincingly motherly,
snuggling with Sheen's twin boys. But the hard truth is that this
model/nanny and porn star duo have decided that it's a good idea to
shack up with a man who brags about how enormous the crack rocks he
smokes are. Sheen currently shares custody of his kids with his
soon-to-be ex-wife, but with the media attention his, uh, alternative
lifestyle has been commanding, the time the boys spend in the tiger's
blood den may soon dwindle. Let's just pray his brainwashed female
cronies aren't soon called upon to carry the next generation of the
crackhead cult into the world.
