It's that time of year again. The flowers are blooming, newborn ducklings are following their suicidal mamas across Biscayne Boulevard, and women of all ages will be sucking on giant penis lollipops like it ain't no thang when Exxxotica penetrates the Miami Beach Convention Center May 20 to 22.
And yes, we're aware we already dickmatized your attention with words like penis and suck, but believe it or not, Exxxotica has other tricks down its pants other than female attendees unleashing their inner sluts. Yup, actual planned events are going down like a fluffer at "the largest event in the U.S.A. dedicated to love and sex." Here are our top picks:
1. Everything You Want to Know About Porn Q&A Session
Friday: 6:00 - 6:45 p.m., Sat: 4:00 - 4:45 p.m., Sun: 2:30 - 3:15 p.m.
After whacking off to everything from your sister's abandoned Barbie doll to the sqwiggly boobs you randomly caught on blocked cable channels since you were 12, you consider yourself an expert in "adult content." Think again. Not until you've snowballed a midget during a daisy chain on camera are you a true Professor of Pornography.
And we're positive that there's all kinds of questions you've always wanted to ask some of the biggest adult stars in the industry: How do you shave your nether regions without getting ingrown hairs? What's the sum total of Pi? How many dicks can you stick in your mouth at the same time? At Exxxotica you'll finally have your chance! There will be a no-holds-barred Q&A session with a panel of your favorite stars every day at the convention and it'll be moderated by the HBIC of adult publishing, Mr. Dan "The Man" Davis. Don't miss this unique opportunity to get the answers to some of your darkest, kinkiest, and most burning
when you pee questions!
2. Ladies Free Friday
Friday, May 20
For the first time ever in Miami Beach, Exxxotica is letting every
member of the XX chromosome (queens, get your tuck-game in check) in for
FREE on Friday, May 20th. And although, porn's made mostly for men, not women, there's plenty (besides
lolli-cocks) of sexy action for the ladies this year including
performances by South Florida's Top-Rated Male Revue, Men of Adonis
who will shake their junk in your face like a drug-sniffing elephant working
at MIA. Plus ladies who come on Friday will get free
entrance to the VIP Lounge. And, if you're the kind that endlessly
slobbers during a John Mayer concert, there's also the
3. Miami's Hottest Frat Dude Contest
Friday, May 20, 10:00 - 10:45 p.m.
Do you love puka shell necklaces, khaki cargo shorts, Dave Matthews Band, beer pong, living in filth, date rape, and brotherhood? Well, then here's your chance to win $500 (which can buy a whole lot of Jager) and free admission for your entire house
to Exxxotica's Friday night VIP after party. All you have to do is come to the
show, get blind folded, tased, de-clothed, and dropped off at the local Tri-Delt sorority house to be laughed and pointed at (we kid). After that humiliation has subsided and you have a new group of bought friends, sign up (on site at the Media Registration desk in the lobby of Hall C or by emailing fratDude@EXXXOTICAexpo.com), take off your shirt, and win the adoration of some hot
celebrity judges. You got this, bro!
4. Pretty Things Peep Show
Friday: May 20th, 8:30 - 9:15 pm, Saturday, May 21, 8:00 - 8:45 p.m., Sunday, May 22, 6:00 - 6:45 p.m.
Acting as Exxxotica 2011's unofficial mascots, this merry band of sideshow freaks/naughty peepshowers will be on hand roaming the event like wild, horny creatures of the bedroom as well as performing all three days. Shows include acts of awesomeness like sword-swallowing (a useful skill for any budding porn star), fire eating (believe it or not, not redhead fetish porn, but actual fire eating), midgets, yo-yo's, and other sexual insanity like grannies in leather piercing each others' nipples with knitting needles. Okay, not really....but maybe.
5. Best of Show Tattoo Contest
Saturday, May 21, 5:00 - 5:45 p.m.
Love Sandra Bullock? Here's your chance to give those rotting tomatoes you've been saving for the past year and a half a whirl when throwing them at Michelle "Bombshell" McGee as she hosts this contest. Basically its for the Suicide Girl-type who dreams of being on the cover of the next Rebel Ink or Urban Ink. The contest is also open to artists as well (just like Jesse James' new fiance, who's NOT Bombshell McGee) who wants a shot at being featured in an upcoming issue of the aforementioned magazines. To qualify, make sure to enter your best work from the show at the Rebel Ink/Urban Ink booth by 3:30 pm on May 21st. And even if you don't win, you're still guaranteed a spot in the publications.
6. Ron Jeremy Seminar
Date and time TBA
The mouth attached to the most famous dick in the world will be speaking
sometime during Exxxotica. Fingers crossed Vanilla Ice shows up (hey,
he's a local and has tattoos) and we get a reenactment of this:
7. Ms. EXXXOTICA Competition
Saturday: May 21, 6:00 - 6:45 p.m. and Sunday: May 22, 5:00 - 5:45 p.m.
Do you have daddy issues? Do your boobs fit perfectly into any tupperware container? Are you lips more inflated than Elsa Pattons? Exxxotica 20141 WANT YOU! Here's how it works, according to Exxxotica's site:
Submit your sexiest non-nude photo(s), contact info and vital statistics to MsEXXXOTICA@EXXXOTICAexpo.com.
The winner of Ms. EXXXOTICA will receive the following:
• Official Ms. EXXXOTICA Title
• $1,000 CASH
• Opportunity to return to EXXXOTICA 2012 for Official Signing & Appearance
8. 2 Live Crew Performs
Saturday, May 21, 9:00 - 9:30 p.m.
That's right, these eloquent poets of verse will spit out their prose a la pussy-poppin' one night only.
Miami Beach Exxxotica 2011 runs May 20, 4 pm - 11 pm; May 21, 12 -
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11 p.m.; May 22, 12 - 7 p.m.; at the Miami Beach Convention Center.
Tickets cost: $25 - $70. For more information visit