Miami is hot. Not hot as in scorching 90-degree weather hot (though obviously it is that too), but the popular, trendy, Paris Hilton-y, "hawt" kind of hot. Some of us may take pride in that fact, but others have developed a very discomforting twitch in response, which our doctor refuses to prescribe Xanax for.
Every holiday, Miami locals -- the ones who put up with Miami and its schizophrenic weather, insipid traffic, and crooked politicians all year round -- have to deal with the invasion of outsiders. This is never more true than on Memorial Day Weekend. Locals usually have an understanding with the police, who don't mess with us unless we're flagrantly misbehaving, or have a camera, or unless the cop himself is hammered. But on Memorial Day, we actually have to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.
And this year's South Beach lockdown will be tighter than ever before. Miami Beach police will have watchtowers,
cameras that catch anything within a mile, checkpoints, and roadblocks. Catholic school-inspired dress code enforcement -- skirts past your fingertips, ladies! -- and
meerkats trained to detect the smell of alcohol or marijuana cannot be far behind.
In the spirit of saving ourselves from spending the night in the pokey, Cultist has come up with a handy set of guidelines designed to keep you from getting arrested this Memorial Day weekend.
Yes, we know that this kind of kills the entire purpose of Memorial Day. (Fun fact: contrary to popular belief, Memorial Day does not celebrate the lives of soldiers who died protecting our country, but was actually enacted by Congress after prohibition was abolished to create a national holiday that celebrates alcohol and bikinis.) Still, sobriety is a sure-fire way to make sure that the fuzz leaves you alone. This, of course, does not apply to cops themselves. Drink up, officer!
Eschew the Hoodie
Considering that we're already experiencing weather that other, less hardy states call "summer," you shouldn't be wearing one anyway. But even if you're trying to hide from an ex or a student loan officer, think twice before donning your Miami Heat hoodie. Those things are dangerous, haven't you heard? You will not be able to make a single move without attracting the watchful eye of Batman -- which is pretty much 8,000 times worse than getting arrested.
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Avoid Listening to Rap Music
If you do decide to invade another city during Memorial Day weekend, be sure to pump up the volume. But if you decide to cruise around South Beach on those days, make sure that the loud music blaring out of your car was composed by a white person -- and no, Eminem doesn't count. Think Don McLean or Paul Simon, perhaps a little Sarah McLachlan. Although under normal circumstances we drive around our city listening to whatever we damn well please, in the temporary police state that will be South Beach at the end of May, rap music is just a creative way of telling cops that you have illegal guns and pounds of ganja in your trunk.
Y'know who's not at your house right now? The cops. (Probably.) So fill up the kiddie pool, fire up the grill, and go absolutely nowhere. Some call it house arrest; we call it a staycation! You and your gang will avoid getting arrested, and as an added bonus, you'll also avoid getting hit on by people from other states who don't know which rims look best on a Honda Civic.
Get the Hell Out of Town
This is one of those "kill two birds with one croqueta" tactics. First, you will not be in Miami on Memorial Day weekend, which automatically lowers your chance of getting busted for, um, being a human in Miami on Memorial Day Weekend. Secondly, you can wreak havoc in those very cities that seem to produce the same revelers who make our lives a living hell every holiday. Pack your crew in a Hyundai, drive to South Carolina, and rent a stretch Hummer upon your arrival. Proceed to cruise the main drag blasting music at full volume, smoking mad blunts, and brandishing a firearm. Let's see how much our visitors like returning home to a police state. (Warning: Though this will keep you from getting arrested in Miami, it will not prevent you from getting arrested elsewhere.)