Miami is hot. Not hot as in scorching 90-degree weather hot (though obviously it is that too), but the popular, trendy, Paris Hilton-y, "hawt" kind of hot. Some of us may take pride in that fact, but others have developed a very discomforting twitch in response, which our doctor refuses to prescribe Xanax for.
Every holiday, Miami locals -- the ones who put up with Miami and its schizophrenic weather, insipid traffic, and crooked politicians all year round -- have to deal with the invasion of outsiders. This is never more true than on Memorial Day Weekend. Locals usually have an understanding with the police, who don't mess with us unless we're flagrantly misbehaving, or have a camera, or unless the cop himself is hammered. But on Memorial Day, we actually have to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves.
And this year's South Beach lockdown will be tighter than ever before. Miami Beach police will have watchtowers,
cameras that catch anything within a mile, checkpoints, and roadblocks. Catholic school-inspired dress code enforcement -- skirts past your fingertips, ladies! -- and
meerkats trained to detect the smell of alcohol or marijuana cannot be far behind.
In the spirit of saving ourselves from spending the night in the pokey, Cultist has come up with a handy set of guidelines designed to keep you from getting arrested this Memorial Day weekend.