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Dispatches from the Kate Gosselin Cruise Caribbean 2012

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She's starred in her own TV series. She's written a series of books. She's been a tabloid scapegoat, and also a tabloid darling. And now, Kate Gosselin is hosting her very own cruise, departing from Ft. Lauderdale in August. When we heard the news, we couldn't help but imagine what the Kate Gosselin Cruise experience is like. Here's our best guess, told from the point of view of an average passenger.

Departure Day: Greetings, travel journal! Kathy here. I've just arrived onboard the Allure of the Seas, and already I'm convinced that this is gonna be the best trip ever! Check-in went smoothly, though I've gotta admit that I'd hoped to see more eligible men among our ranks. This cougar is single and ready to mingle!!! Actually, I haven't seen any men at all ... but it's okay, because my BFF Gretchen is sharing my room, making this a real girls' getaway! The only thing more fun than cracking open some white zin and watching Kate Plus Eight reruns with Gretchen is ladies' night at Friday's back home in Topeka. Throw in some palm trees and a pina colada in each hand, and there's no stopping this party!

And I haven't even mentioned the best part yet: Kate Gosselin is actually here, on this very ship. I haven't seen her yet, but I've instructed Gretchen to keep her eyes peeled. She was busy trying to pick this stubborn piece of chicken nugget out of her teeth, but she grunted enthusiastically, so I know we'll find her soon. I can't wait to show her my hair -- I had it cut just like hers before the cruise. Off now to the embarkation party on the pool deck -- sooo excited!!!

Labadee, Haiti: Our first island stop! Would you believe this is

my first-ever time out of the U.S.? It's true. Gretchen's never even

been out of Kansas, and I think it's a little stressful for her. She

keeps tearing at those knots in her hair, and that "muttering to

herself" thing she does is louder than ever. Maybe she just can't hear

so well over the soothing sounds of the ocean. It's refreshing, in a way.

Anyway, the

island of Haiti is beautiful. I'm really very disappointed in the media

back home -- this place is a paradise! I was a little afraid to get off

the ship at first, in case hoardes of black natives were hiding somewhere waiting to rob unsuspecting tourists, and maybe even capture one or two of us to

eat. But once I set my feet in the sand, I knew all that business about

the earthquakes was baloney. From the Royal Caribbean-owned restaurants

to the Royal Caribbean-owned gift shops, and even the Royal Caribbean

security guards patrolling the borders of our little stretch of sand,

everything's just peachy here!

Kate did seem a bit disappointed,

though. (Did you see how I did that? I meant Kate GOSSELIN, of course --

we're on a first-name basis now. Gretchen found her at the private

welcome cocktail party, and she welcomed us to the cruise personally --

can you believe it?? I could barely see her because the lights from her

camera crew were so bright, but I squinted through the pain and pointed

out that our names start with the same letter, which basically means

we're soulmates. She gave me a great smile as she backed away to greet

more of her fans. We'll be besties before this cruise is done!) I think

she was sad that there weren't any poor, starving, black kids she could

help. I heard her complaining about the lack of photo opps, which is so

sweet -- a photo of themselves with Kate Gosselin would be just the

boost those kids need. But they're nowhere to be found, because Haiti is

apparently rich. Boy, did that make me feel a lot better about spending

my vacation here! If only those snooty lawyers I work with could see

their paralegal now!

Falmouth, Jamaica: Welcome to

Jamaica, mon! We arrived early this morning, and boy, I could not wait

to get off the boat. I was excited about seeing steel drummers and

trying some real jerk chicken, and maybe even meet Bob Marley, but to be

honest, I'm also ready for a little bit of time off the boat. Gretchen

is my best friend in all the world, but I've realized she's hard to

spend more than 30 minutes with at a time. Last night we went to the

disco, and she found one of the Norwegian activities coordinators from the pool

yesterday. Granted, the only men we've seen here so far have been

crew members, but I hardly think that was an excuse for Gretchen's lewd

hump-dancing on the poor boy. By the time security pulled her off of

him, he had bite marks on his chest.

But no matter! Here I am in

a tropical paradise, and I'm close to becoming friends with an

honest-to-god Hollywood star! I'm talking about Kate Gosselin, of

course. There's a private barbecue with her on the ship tonight, and I'm

pretty excited to chat her up again. Plus, I haven't eaten all day -- I

tried to find jerk chicken, but all the jerk restaurants I found in

Jamaica were in shacks. (Can that even be sanitary??)

Day at Sea:

Hey there, journal. Kathy again, hiding out in a corner at the first

Starbucks at sea. By this point in the cruise, I'd hoped to be friends

with Kate -- the kind of friends who get pedicures together and have

sleepovers and talk about sex stuff like they do on Sex and the City.

But, sad to say, my interactions with Kate have been limited so far. And it's not for lack of trying. I attended Kate's crafts session, where

we learned how to make our own wine glass markers for when we have wine

parties with all our girlfriends. Gretchen and I are usually the only

ones drinking in my apartment, so I focused on making small talk with

Kate, but she kept saying, "You're interrupting my shot," and then

smiling back into the cameras. Later, I attended her Q&A session,

but just when I had asked my question, Kate apparently had some sort of

celebrity emergency and had to be escorted away. (My question, of

course, was "When can we hang out after this cruise is over?") Finally,

Gretchen and I went to play "fun family games" with Kate, but I ended up

playing shuffleboard with a couple from Cleveland while Kate scored

points in water volleyball. It was even worse because I had to keep an

eye on Gretchen -- the event coordinator she attacked was helping kids

climb the rock wall, and I just didn't trust her.

Speaking of

which, I'm really starting to re-evaluate my friendship with Gretchen. I

guess I never noticed before how she licks her lips all the time and it

makes this smacking sound. The grunting is pretty weird, too. And would

you believe she hasn't said a single word since we've been on board? I keep making small talk, and she just looks at me through her rats'

nest of a haircut with those wide, twitchy eyes of hers and blinks. Come

to think of it, I don't know if she's ever spoken to me at all. When I

met her outside the DMV last summer, I was at a really vulnerable point in my life, y'know? And

despite her overpowering body odor, Gretchen was willing to listen. But

now I just don't know if we're compatible anymore. I should ask Kate

about it next time I see her.

Cozumel, Mexico: Things

really aren't going as planned here, journal. Today was supposed to be

my big day to bond with Kate during the shore excursion into the Mexican

wilderness she said she'd be leading. But instead of taking us to a

Mexican fiesta or tortilla factory or the pyramids, Kate took us to

Margaritaville. By the time I was able to talk to her, she'd already had

seven or eight shots of tequila. I tried to explain to her about

Gretchen, but she slurred something back at me -- I couldn't quite make

out what it was, but it didn't sound friendly. And then her beefy

security detail pushed me away while she leaned over the railing and

puked in the sand.

Things are pretty lonely here, journal. I'm

trying to keep my head up, but between avoiding Gretchen during the day

and trying to sleep through her night terrors, it's tough.

Disembarkation Day:

It's true what they say about Hollywood, journal. It's all a lie. At

our trip-ending photo opp with Kate today, I broke down. I begged Kate

to be my friend and save me from my sad, boring existence. I told her I

was so, so lonely, but that I just knew we'd be great for each other.

And do you know what? She didn't even know my name. Kathy! It starts

with a K, like Kate! How could she forget our special moment together?


Gretchen has abandoned me. She's staying on the ship for the rest of

its cruising season as a laundry worker. Things with the pool boy have

heated up significantly. I guess they like their women hairy in Norway.


now I'm going back home to Topeka, friendless, disillusioned, and alone.

I don't even have any photos of myself to show off to the lawyers -- my

camera's full of blurry shots of Kate. I'm never leaving Kansas again,

journal. This trip has ruined my whole life.

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