Hello, Kitty: I am a divorced Caucasian/Jewish straight dude, new to Miami Beach, and I have a problem. I am in my late 40s — an age when men are supposed to be making serious dough. But I changed careers a few years ago and have a couple of years to go to finish my professional training and make decent money. In the meantime, I have enough money after child support is taken out (yeah, there's that too) to live on and go out, but on a tight budget. South Florida women, including Latinas, seem to be seriously put off by my financial situation. I'm not quite ready to troll for women in Alcoholics Anonymous or in bars located next to trailer parks (and if I do, I should pick one or the other and not both, right?). Um, got any suggestions?
Hey, Cole: Hmm, I've never dated a woman in South Florida, but I'm not surprised that cash flow issues are throwing a wrench into your dating game. No woman wants to go to Red Lobster with a cap on the number of crab legs she can order. And how do you tell someone she must choose between popcorn or Twizzlers on a movie date? Cringeworthy. True, they're your pennies and you have the right to decide how you spend them. But don't take a date somewhere you can't afford. If the most expensive item on the menu is out of the question, you shouldn't even be in the building. If you have only ten bucks, treat the broad to a hot dog and spend the day sightseeing. If you show her a good time, she won't even notice you're broke; she'll only notice she's having a great time. And then when you do finally get your finances in order (or your kid turns 18), if the bitch is still around, she's the one. If not, I hope you spent three of your ten dollars on a bottle of Arbor Mist and got some of that gold-diggin' stuff.
Which brings me to my next suggestions: First, while you're putting time, creativity, and effort into the dates with the lady you like, invest in some items that will make you more attractive. Your home should be clean, chic, and comfortable. If it's like that, a woman won't want to leave and — gasp — she might assume you have a little money to spend because your bookcases aren't made of milk crates. Second, befriend the owner/chef/general manager of a restaurant. If you have just one place where you can get a free meal and be treated like a king, you'll look like a star to her. She'll think you possess power and influence -– two things sure to moisten her panties. Last, sex needs to be exquisite. There is many a broke dude with more ladies than he can handle, based solely on the fact that he's a virtual federal reserve's worth of orgasms. Hell, the first two pieces of advice are unnecessary if you can pull off this last one. Good luck! Meow.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.