Apparently nobody got eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last week. Yawn. What's the point of this show if it's not to revel in everyone's slow but gradual elimination?
Not that the first star-booting will be much of a surprise. Face it, Martina Navratilova is going to be the first one eliminated. There's no getting around that. You know who don't have much of a following? Tennis players from the '70s.
That said, it's the process that counts, and we've got the coverage of all of this week's best and worst!
Roshon Fegan & Chelsie start the show with a quickstep. Tommy Bergeron reminds everyone that DWTS is the most watched competition show in America. Suck on that, The Voice! Roshon decides Chelsie is in need of a "swag upgrade." Justin Beiber uses the term 'swag' on his new track, so that should cue you in on how cutting edge "swag" is. Their dance is solid, earning a 26.
Sherri Shepherd & Val jive. During practice Val goes out of his way to swing Sheri around like a dead weight. Classy. They dance to "Proud Mary," though Sheri predicts she won't be "Proud Sherri." This is the second week in a row Sherri danced to a song that has a name that rhymes with her own, so they're clearly going for the pun demographic. We don't know if we'll be depressed or elated if next week's song is Neil Diamond's "Cherry Baby." The name game works, and they score a 23.
Melissa Gilbert & Maks go for the quickstep. Melissa used to sleep with Billy Idol so they decide to quickstep to "Dancing With Myself." Maks makes a comment on how Melissa looks like she's "taking a dump," which ... makes her cry? Whatever. The dance is awful and they get a 20. We bet Maks wishes he was "dancing with himself." See what we did there?
Jack Wagner & Anna jive the best they can as Jack aims for the lame dad demographic, having taken his salmon shirt and brown vest costume from some quickly aborted Syd and Marty Kroft series. The judges damn Jack with faint praise, which is probably par for the course for a Soap Actor, and they earn a 21.
Gladys Knight & Tristan try their best with the quickstep. Or they don't. The Twitter bar that ABC provides in real time just read "Breastfeeding and watching #DWTS" so to be honest, we're a bit preoccupied. Gladys tries her best and is still our frontrunner to win the whole damn thing, but the quickstep isn't her forte, gaining only a 19. You got this Gladys!
Katherine Jenkins & Mark do the jive. Katherine seems a little reserved to be dancing so seductively. Their dance has a strange Vegas motif, which we think would give her more pause about dancing sexily. We're having a problem thinking of good jokes for these two because we're too preoccupied with all the places we'd like to kiss Katherine. Like on a gondola. They score a 26.
Jaleel White & Kym jive, with Jaleel dressed up like a '50s frycook while Kym wears decidedly less. They have a few milkshakes at a bar to start the dance, which only makes you wonder if those shakes are real. If they are, that's a terrible waste of a shake, if you ask us. Wouldn't DWTS be better if the stars made milkshakes instead of dancing? 22.
Maria Menounos & Derek perform the quickstep. But Maria breaks her ribs while practicing. What does this mean for her match at WrestleMania? Oh, did you not know she was both performing on DWTS and fighting at WrestleMania at the same time? A triple threat, that one. They get a 25 from the judges, but more importantly, we taught our spell check that WrestleMania is an actual word....
Martina Navratilova & Tony dance a jive. Delaying the elimination a week give Martina the chance to wear one of the most ridiculous dresses in DWTS history. It's made of fishing net, we think? The dance is terrible too, like Meta World Peace bad. They get a 17.
Donald Driver & Peta try a quickstep. Peta pushes Donald hard, though probably not as hard as the time he won a Super Bowl. Winning a sports championship has to be the ultimate trump card in arguments revolving around your commitment. Their impressive dance receives a 24.
Gavin DeGraw & Karina attempt the jive. For the second week in a row Gavin wears hats in any shot he's in, which could mean nothing, but we'd like to start the malicious rumor that he's prematurely balding. And we won't feel bad about it because he's a total dick during practice, trying to get away with as little work as possible. His lack of effort earns a 21. This isn't early 2000's TRL, dude. You have to try.
William Levy & Cheryl close the night with a quickstep. William seems befuddled by the posture device Cheryl puts on him. If our experience means anything, all that coaching will cause him to rebel. We were forced to walk with books on our head as a kid and now we slouch like crazy. It pays off for William -- for now, at least -- as they get a 25.
Martina Navratilova is gone. She has to be. Who's going to vote for her? Unless there's never going to be an elimination and this is just a Kafkaesque test of our patience. Until next week!
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.