Last week on Dancing With The Stars, Martina Navratilova was eliminated. We had a lot of fun making jokes that Martina would be the first eliminated, but... um... yeah, that's pretty much it. Not to say she wasn't memorable, but we almost submitted this recap before realizing we called her 'Maria'.
This week is the "dance inspired by the most important year of your life" episode. We sincerely hope you enjoy our jokes at the expense of the competitor's stories of heartbreak and trauma.
First up is Jack Wagner and Anna who Samba to a Jack Wagner song, though he should have picked Carly Simon because that is serious vanity. Gladys Knight hasn't danced to her own music yet and she's Gladys Knight. 2011 was Jack's most memorable year because it's when he finally connected with an estranged daughter, who he pays tribute to by starting his dance with hip thrusts. The judges give them a 24.
Maria Menounos and Derek Rumba to "Material Girl". By the way, Maria won her fight at WrestleMania, so good news for those who gambled on that. Unfortunately, her Extra co-star Mario Lopez failed to get involved in the match. What gives, Mario? You know Pat O'Brien would have had her back, if we weren't positive every entertainment news magazine hostess probably has a restraining order out on him. They get a 29!
Gladys Knight and Tristan do the only Foxtrot of the night. The best year of her life was when she was 13 and started performing with the Pips. Seriously, she did that when she was only 13. Our biggest accomplishment when we were 13 was learning that just because you can masturbate more than once a day doesn't mean you had to. They score a 24. Baby steps, Gladys!
Roshan Fegen and Chelsie chose to Samba to the Jackson 5, so naturally Roshan dresses up like 70's era Michael Jackson, which is pretty low-hanging fruit. Then again, so is commenting on the wide array of different looks MJ rocked throughout the years, so we'll let it slide. Roshan first saw Michael perform as a 6-year-old in '96, and sees many parallels between himself and the King of Pop, causing uncomfortable glances and cleared throats on couches across the country. 25!
Gavin Degraw and Karina rumba'd to Billy Joel, drawing inspiration to follow his dreams of being a mediocre piano pop star. OH MY GOD GUYS, THEY SHOWED GAVIN WITHOUT A HAT ON FOR NEARLY SEVEN SECONDS. And even though he does have a receding hairline, it's not like he doesn't have a full head of hair, making his insistence on wearing a hat constantly all the funnier. The judges respect this bold move, scoring them a 24.
Katherine Jenkins and Mark waltzed to the memory of her father. The short hair and beard stubble look really works for Mark, if by "works" you mean "looks like Vinny from Jersey Shore." Anyone want to guess when and who is going to be the next Jersey Shore cast member on DTWS?Our money is on Ronnie next season, though it could also be J-Woww or Sam, because they need something to do now that the rest of the cast is pregnant or in recovery. The waltz is near perfect, earning a 29.
Sherri Shepherd and Val chose to Rumba this week. Sherri's most important year was when her son was born premature at 25 weeks. Really puts that Michael Jackson concert in perspective, eh Roshan? Sherri dances a bit with her son in practice and we get a bit choked up, though to be fair we get choked up at everything, even the Bush's Baked Beans commercial. Much like everyone else, they get a 24!
Melissa Gilbert and Maks Jive to Florence and the Machine's "Dog Days Are Over" probably referring to the 'dog days' before the premiere of Don't Trust the B- in Apartment 23, coming this week to ABC! They earn, you guessed it, a 24.
Jaleel White and Kym Rumba to Babyface. YES, the most important year of Jaleel's life is when they introduced Stefan Urquelle to Family Matters, implying that the character helped Jaleel get laid as a young man! Then they dance a Stefan-inspired dance. This is important television, guys. The judges fail to get the significance, foolishly scoring them a 25.
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William Levy and Cheryl salsa in a tribute to his first year in the United States when he immigrated to our fair city. Good call, but why not choose to dance to some late period 2 Live Crew? Missed opportunity, man. Either way, it's a strong dance, gaining 28 points!
Donald Driver and Peta close the week by Rumba-ing to Mariah Carey and Boys II Men in honor of a friend who passed away from cancer. Ok, granted Roshan picked a Michael Jackson concert, but he's only a teenager. Gavin DeGraw picked a Billy Joel concert and he has to be pushing mid-thirties, making him the only adult on the show who didn't have any heartbreak or adversity to draw from. Oh Gavin, you are the worst. Donald and Peta's dance is classy and reserved, earning a 26!
Another week in the books. Our call is for Melissa Gilbert to be eliminated. See you next week!