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Dancing With The Stars Week Six: Ain't Too Proud to Dance

Gavin DeGraw is gone! Rejoice!

This does mean we have

nobody's stupid hat fetish to mock anymore, unless Roshon wants to take it up. But we're still counting this as a victory for humankind.

It's Motown week

on Dancing With The Stars, which means you can take solace that for one week, at

the very least, the music selection won't be obnoxious. Also, Smokey Robison and

the Temptations are performing, so enjoy them being treated with the same level

of respect reserved for KISS. We can't wait!

Gladys and Tristan started the night with the rumba. So this

means that Gladys is totally going to dominate, since it's Motown week? At the

very least, maybe she won't be the worst? Sigh.... Back in Gladys' day all you had

to do was some jazz hands and have an awesome voice. But now it's the Twitters

and Pinterests and "poke me." They score a 21.

Maria Menounos and Derek followed with the foxtrot. Yay!

Derek's following the stupid hat tradition! This is a tough dance for Maria

because the foxtrot is all about class and, according to Maria, she isn't classy. Right, because Extra just takes any uncultured hillperson to work alongside the paragon of elegance who is

Mario Lopez. They earn a decent 26.

Roshon Fegan and Chelsie rumba-ed. Last week Roshon learned

about being sexy and this week he's learning about sensuality, which is all

about hugging, he tells us. No Roshon, that's how babies are made. (Our Sex Ed

class in elementary school was poorly funded.) The judges aren't feeling the

sensuality and they get a 23.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark did the samba. Shock of shock, they are nearly

perfect. I don't care much for the presumptive frontrunner act. The producers

should add in obstacles just to keep the couple on their feet. Like, what if

while they danced while the Temptations were also shooting them with paintballs?

Actually, scratch that idea -- we're just going to pitch Motown Paintball All

Stars directly to NBC. Effortlessly, they get a 29.

Donald Driver and Peta performed the foxtrot. Peta uses a

cutout of Len to motivate Donald. Is there a way to make a reference to the New

Orleans Saints scandal here? Something about the Saints eavesdropping on Donald's

dance moves, perhaps. Unnecessarily shoehorned in? Sure. But sometimes we just like to

reference sports to make us feel better about writing bitchy things about DWTS

costumes. Tim Tebow. They score a

respectful 27.

Melissa Gilbert and Maks performed the Viennese waltz.

Melissa's foot is still hurting and she isn't picking up the moves, pissing off

Maks who takes a page from Jaleel's book of partner motivation. But all that

torment and anger is worth it when they get to the top of the leaderboard... Wait,

nope, they wound up scoring a 24.

Jaleel White and Kym cha-cha'ed. Jaleel is suddenly "humbled" after being in the bottom two, a humbling he probably hasn't felt since Family

Matters got cancelled from ABC or later, CBS, or when his subsequent UPN series

failed or literally every step of his career post 1993. But being less of a dick pays off as

they tie for best with a 29.

William Levy and Cheryl end with the rumba. A fire started

during rehearsal, or a producer was annoyed by lack of discernible drama with

William's team. It's not a bad strategy -- let William be hot dude, and

then make the metaphor literal. Maybe next week the water sprinklers go off on Cheryl because he

makes everyone wet? The judges give them a 27.

And the show is closed with a Motown Marathon dance among

all the teams. This would be interesting if the results weren't exactly what

you would have expected with Katherine and Mark doing the best and Gladys and

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Tristan doing the worst. So, it changed nothing other than taking time out of

our day.

Conventional wisdom may say that it's Gladys' week to go, but we're always shocked that Melissa Gilbert has hung on this long, because not that many people can care about Little House on the Prairie. Until next week!

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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