Last week Dancing With The Stars said goodbye to Jack Wagner, and not a moment too soon.
You see, it's Rock Week on our favorite celebrity dance competition, and you don't want some old soap star dancing to the hottest rock groups of today, do you? Not with such up and coming gritty rock groups like The Rolling Stones, Queen, and David Cook.
We even hear that a group of young upstarts named KISS are performing tonight, and if they knock your socks off here, they may wind up on Ed Sullivan!
KISS comes out and performs to start the show, surely out of a deep love for DWTS and certainly not because they will do absolutely anything for a big enough paycheck. Honestly, we're kind of surprised that Gene Simmons hasn't turned the KISS army into some sort of quasi-legal Blackwater-type mercenary group. KISS's performance makes us look forward to the 47th season of DWTS when we get to explain to our children who Skrillex is and why Rick Santorum is dancing to it.
Sherri Shepherd and Val kick things off with a tango to Quiet Riot. Sherri complains that Val is being mean to her by making her wear a belt, ending by punching him in the stomach. The tango isn't so hot, likely due to that belt she had to wear. WHY COULDN'T IT BE SUSPENDERS? The judges score them a 21.
Next, Katherine Jenkins and Mark paso doble to Muse, cuing minute-long conversations between moms and children everywhere over who the guy in Muse is, that he's dating Kate Hudson, but how that doesn't make him the dude from the Black Crowes. The conversation will end with moms everywhere expressing their like for Chris Martin. They get a 24, which would be good for most teams but for Katherine and Mark it's disappointing. Yeah, we judge on a curve.
Jaleel White and Kym continue the fun by tango-ing to "Satisfaction." And yeah, we feel awkward among the rumors that Jaleel has been a giant douche to Kym in training sessions. Seriously, we haven't been this upset at a TGIF star since Cody from Step By Step's second trip to lockup. They get a 22, showing that being a dick doesn't pay off all the time in reality TV.
Melissa Gilbert and Maks paso doble to The White Stripes. We're surprised that the choice of The White Stripes didn't bring out a revelation that Melissa was briefly married to Jack White or something. They decide to do a matador-themed dance, complete with bullhorns affixed to a camera. They score a disappointing 22, probably because Melissa didn't finish the job, cut off Maks' ear, and throw it to the crowd.
Donald Driver and Peta break out a paso doble to Hendrix's "Purple Haze." Their training montage revolves around Donald feeling silly wearing an old lady sweater, which is sort of Rock in a "Kurt Cobain used to crossdress" kind of way. It's the most impressive dance of the night, earning a 27.
Gladys Knight and Tristan tango to "Bohemian Rhapsody." It's... not very good, but since we love Gladys, we will refrain from saying anything mean and instead use this space to reveal that we've personally met every member of KISS over a fifteen year period. See, educational! They score a generous 20.
William Levy and Cheryl decided to jive to "We're Not Gonna Take It," though with the bandana William's rocking, we're surprised this didn't wind up being a tribute to Poison. Come to think of it, we're surprised Bret Michael hasn't been on DWTS yet, unless Donald Trump has him under lock and key as his Apprentice. Hell, just have Bell Biv DeVoe dance. They score a 22, which is probably fair, we were busy watching Bell Biv DeVoe videos on YouTube.
Roshon Fegan and Chelsie waltz to David Cook, which may be the least rock 'n roll sentence ever constructed without using the words "Rod Stewart." Seriously, it wouldn't kill them to try to start a pit or something. They get a 26.
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Maria Menunous and Derek tango to Alice Cooper's "School's Out." Remember how we've been talking about Maria's foot and how even though it could be hurt she danced and wrestled on it for weeks? Well, it turns out that she has a broken foot. Finally, something rock happens this week. Bonus points for Maria starting in a schoolgirl outfit, which she proceeded to rip off. Playing through the pain pays off, scoring 26.
Gavin DeGraw and Karina close the night with a tango to "Paint It Black." Ugh. Gavin is still the absolute worst, even considering that Jaleel may be being abusive to Kym. Seriously, if you thought his black bowler hat was bad, you weren't ready for his grey and brown bowlers too. They earn a 23, one point for each stupid hat Gavin owns.
Vote Gavin DeGraw off, please. We know it'll probably be William Levy leaving this week but please, consider making it Gavin. Until next week...