Gosh, were we excited for the Dancing with the Stars Grand
Finale. And boy did ABC go all out for us! Instead of the usual flippant DWTS
introduction, we get a very serious Explosions in the Sky-scored, grainy film-effect montage of Ricki, Rob, and J.R.
We are reminded that Ricki did it for
the self respect, Rob transformed from a boy to a man, and that J.R. was the
very definition of a hero. Great stuff, ABC. We'd appreciate the attempt at
gravitas more if your usual show introductions didn't feature eliminated
contestants being spontaneously combusted with terribly CGI, but still, good
The show began by trotting out all of our favorite past
competitors, like Elisabetta and Kristin Calveri. Of course once the
introductions were over they got down to business and had the final three
couples dance. And when we say "got down to business" we mean "draw out the
process by dicking around for 40 minutes".
Ever wanted to hear what the
contestants were saying behind the scenes yesterday evening? Well you got to
hear it anyways. Compelling stuff. Turns out everyone was very nervous, so
nervous that we needed to hear ten minutes explaining how nervous everyone was.
But it wasn't just tensions and raw nerves. Oh, DWTS
delivered the funny time consuming montages too. You see, mischievous producers
decided to keep the cameras on the judges during commercials and now the
proverbial egg is all over their faces.
Like the time the three of them singing "DJ Got
Us Falling in Love". Or like when Len admitted to being the Zodiac Killer. What an embarrassing snafu! This
was followed up with a live performance by Lady Antebellum.
At around what seemed like a quarter past midnight our
contestants finally began dancing. Not new dances, mind you, but their favorite
from the season. Ricki and Derek busted out the Tango from Psycho, J.R. and
Karina jived to The Brian Setzer Orchestra and Rob and Cheryl Foxtrotted to
Sinatra's "Fly Me To The Moon".
Ricki and Derek scored a perfect 30, which seems to be thrown out like
candy these days. Too bad they got eliminated! Cruel twist of fate, Ricki! But
at least you still have your talk show and Jenny Craig sponsorship. They cut to
Ricki's kids in the audience, who
couldn't possibly care less about being there.
Before J.R. and Rob faced off in a final dance, the previous
contestants all did a short bit of their favorite dances. Bad call, ABC. You're
only serving to remind us how much more fun the show was with Chaz Bono, Ron Artest,
and David Arquette. It's like being reminded of the one crazy ex you have
that you would just get loaded with and fight with but is much more fun than
your current squeeze who you just watch Bravo shows and is boring and JESUS
CHRIST, JENNIFER! YOU ARE SUFFOCATING US!
For the final dance, both J.R. and Karina and Rob and Cheryl
got 30s for Sambaing to Ricky Martin's "Shake Your Bon Bon". And then J.R. and
Karina won Dancing with the Stars. Sorry, we aren't very good about building
Congratulations to you, J.R. and Karina! Especially Karina,
for getting over that dreaded Dancing With The Stars Curse that didn't exist
until yesterday evening. Of course, Rob and Cheryl did technically have higher
scores over the two nights, dancing is so objective that who knows who the best
dancer really is.
A cynic may say that J.R. Martinez winning makes a much more
palpable narrative than a Rob Kardashian victory, but we aren't the Oliver
Stone type. J.R. and Karina were awarded the championship trophy, which was a
disco ball mounted on a stick. Great championship trophy, ABC! Strong way to
end the season!