Dancing With the Stars Grand Finale: Ricki Lake Tangos to Psycho Theme

Gosh, were we excited for the Dancing with the Stars Grand

Finale. And boy did ABC go all out for us! Instead of the usual flippant DWTS

introduction, we get a very serious Explosions in the Sky-scored, grainy film-effect montage of Ricki, Rob, and J.R.

We are reminded that Ricki did it for

the self respect, Rob transformed from a boy to a man, and that J.R. was the

very definition of a hero. Great stuff, ABC. We'd appreciate the attempt at

gravitas more if your usual show introductions didn't feature eliminated

contestants being spontaneously combusted with terribly CGI, but still, good


The show began by trotting out all of our favorite past

competitors, like Elisabetta and Kristin Calveri. Of course once the

introductions were over they got down to business and had the final three

couples dance. And when we say "got down to business" we mean "draw out the

process by dicking around for 40 minutes".

Ever wanted to hear what the

contestants were saying behind the scenes yesterday evening? Well you got to

hear it anyways. Compelling stuff. Turns out everyone was very nervous, so

nervous that we needed to hear ten minutes explaining how nervous everyone was.

But it wasn't just tensions and raw nerves. Oh, DWTS

delivered the funny time consuming montages too. You see, mischievous producers

decided to keep the cameras on the judges during commercials and now the

proverbial egg is all over their faces.

Like the time the three of them singing "DJ Got

Us Falling in Love". Or like when Len admitted to being the Zodiac Killer. What an embarrassing snafu! This

was followed up with a live performance by Lady Antebellum.

At around what seemed like a quarter past midnight our

contestants finally began dancing. Not new dances, mind you, but their favorite

from the season. Ricki and Derek busted out the Tango from Psycho, J.R. and

Karina jived to The Brian Setzer Orchestra and Rob and Cheryl Foxtrotted to

Sinatra's "Fly Me To The Moon". 

Ricki and Derek scored a perfect 30, which seems to be thrown out like

candy these days. Too bad they got eliminated! Cruel twist of fate, Ricki! But

at least you still have your talk show and Jenny Craig sponsorship. They cut to

Ricki's kids in the audience, who 

couldn't possibly care less about being there.

Before J.R. and Rob faced off in a final dance, the previous

contestants all did a short bit of their favorite dances. Bad call, ABC. You're

only serving to remind us how much more fun the show was with Chaz Bono, Ron Artest,

and David Arquette. It's like being reminded of the one crazy ex you have

that you would just get loaded with and fight with but is much more fun than

your current squeeze who you just watch Bravo shows and is boring and JESUS


For the final dance, both J.R. and Karina and Rob and Cheryl

got 30s for Sambaing to Ricky Martin's "Shake Your Bon Bon". And then J.R. and

Karina won Dancing with the Stars. Sorry, we aren't very good about building


Congratulations to you, J.R. and Karina! Especially Karina,

for getting over that dreaded Dancing With The Stars Curse that didn't exist

until yesterday evening. Of course, Rob and Cheryl did technically have higher

scores over the two nights, dancing is so objective that who knows who the best

dancer really is.

A cynic may say that J.R. Martinez winning makes a much more

palpable narrative than a Rob Kardashian victory, but we aren't the Oliver

Stone type. J.R. and Karina were awarded the championship trophy, which was a

disco ball mounted on a stick. Great championship trophy, ABC! Strong way to

end the season!

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Drew Spears