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Dancing With The Stars Finals: Our Condolences to Cuba

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Let's get the results out of the way up top: Donald Driver

and Peta are your Dancing with the Stars Season 14 champions. In many

ways it should have been obvious; athletes have now won seven out of the

14 seasons (that's 50 percent, for all of you statistics junkies out there).

And while it is a deserved victory, it seems unfair. Donald Driver is already a

Super Bowl champion. A DWTS victory will only be the edible but unnecessary decoration to his "I'm a winner at life" cake. For someone like Sherri Shepherd, it could have meant

something, damn it!

There were only three scheduled competitive dances in two

hours of show, so that meant filler, filler, filler! We start with the walk of

shame of all the past contestants. Remember when Jack Wagner was a contestant?

It seems like so long ago. We almost find ourselves nostalgic for nine

weeks ago. Santorum 2012! We are also treated to a video package from last

night, incase you had blunt trauma to the head and forgot.

Judge Len tells us that there have been great battles

throughout history, like Bunker Hill and Gettysburg. Don't undersell

the importance of this, dude. Why not compare Katherine Jenkins' gracefulness

to the Nanking Massacre? In case the faux-seriousness

of the proceedings isn't making you feel silly enough, the three final couples are introduced to the strains of

the Requiem For A Dream score. Competitive dancing: it's just like being in a

crippling drug spiral!

Twenty-five minutes in and we still don't get a finals

dance. We do get Sherri Shepherd dancing with a group of men to, yep, you

guessed it, "It's Raining Men." There's actually a decent chance Sherri thinks

it's scientifically possible for it to actually rain men, since she thought

that Earth could be flat. More recap montages! Jack Wagner and Martina Navratilova,

the first two eliminated, get a chance to dance again, because ABC knows we

can't spell Navratilova without Google's help and they want me to suffer for

all the mean things we will eventually say about Duets.

Speaking of touture, Gavin DeGraw half-assed his way through

another dance, where literally he spent half of it just standing as women

danced around him. This weeks douche-hat: white with black trim. How we will

miss you, douche hat. But DWTS knows what you're finally ready for: more dance


An hour and 15 minutes into the show William Levy and

Cheryl finally start the night with a Salsa to Tito Puente, who will always be

remembered to us as a suspect in the attempted murder of Mister Burns on The

Simpsons. They earn a 30! As do Katherine Jenkins and Mark! And Donald and

Peta! So yes, like we've been saying all along, it came down to popularity. So

congratulations Donald Driver and Peta, the overwhelming popularity of the NFL let you beat two other competitors whose fame primarily resides in other

countries! William and Cheryl came in third while Katherine and Mark got

second, if you care. At least we got Gladys Knight to sing during it all...

Thanks for sticking with us throughout this weird and wild season of Dancing With the Stars, though if you really think this season has been weird or wild, we implore you to please get out of the house more. Who's going to be on next season? Smart money is on Andrew Dice Clay and Chris Bosh. Wait, next season is going to be an All-Star edition! Can we still have the Diceman? Sorry to any Miami fans cheering for William Levy. See you at Duets! (Just kidding. There is no way in hell we are reviewing that show).

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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