Convenience Store Valentine Gifts for Your Procrastinating, Cheap Ass

You're broke; it's almost Valentine's Day; and you need a gift for your sweetie. Well, walk your poor ass over to the nearest Walgreens or CVS and pick up a little something that says "I care about you, but I only have $2 to show it." Unless s/he is a gold-digger, this will earn you more points than forgetting the holiday all together.

For your friend you did it with but aren't so sure about, there's Funky Monkey .
You've got this friend and they are super into you, but do you want them to be? You're not sure, so you get this fake ass Paul Frank candy box for them. When they see it says "Funky" on it, they'll assume they smell, and then there's a picture of a monkey, so they'll also assume that you think they're ugly. It's a good segue to departing or making them insecure enough they'll love you more if you decide to go further with it.

For the rockin' guy or gal in your life, there's Valentine... you ROCK my WORLD.
Does your dude/ette "light your fire?" Can they "take you high enough?" Well, if they rock you like a hurricane (as they sure as shit should), they probably also rock your world.

The electric guitar on this box of chocolates says I FREAKING LOVE YOU! These candies go well with a mix tape of your favorite hair band power ballads or just a handle of Jack or some strippers.

For the person you totally only talk to online and have sex with once in awhile, but can't speak to much IRL, there's the LOL chocolates.
Everyone's had one or three of these. It's like they hit you up to chat online, but then never call or go out into public with you. When you see them, they're drunk, or secretive and it's always at their house. There's just no time for talking, only bumping and grinding. If you want to keep doing it with them, and are drunk at CVS, you can purchase these candies. Sex with no strings, but tons of IMs? LOL, right? Super funny. Super lonely. Just eat the chocolates.

For the theater chick, or creepy cougar you've not been telling your friends about, there's the glass rose tealight holder.
The whole joke about modern-day cat ladies being candle obsessed is sort of stupid. Candles don't cuddle with you. They don't offer you all of the loving support you need from another creature. Candles just light up a dark lonely room. That's why your lady on the DL will need one when you don't hang out with her on Valentine's Day. She'll appreciate the thought though, and always be by your side if you'd only let her.

For the person you married and no longer love, there's the wet/dry trimmer.

This gift is actually located in the Valentine's section. It needs no explanation. For God's sake, trim your hair, you strange, sad old person.

We wish you a happy Valentine's day, even if no one buys you

shit and you end up crying into the box of Funky Monkey chocolates you

bought for yourself, we still like you when you read us.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Liz Tracy has written for publications such as the New York Times, the Atlantic, Refinery29, W, Glamour, and, of course, Miami New Times. She was New Times Broward-Palm Beach's music editor for three years. Now she plays one mean monster with her 2-year-old son and obsessively watches British mysteries.
Contact: Liz Tracy