Community's Not Canceled! Five Storylines We Hope To See This Spring

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Attention, Human Beings! We have some news that is cool, cool, cool. We've been worried that the critically adored, genre-defying, pop-culture-skewering show Community would never return from the purgatory of "indefinite hiatus" imposed by NBC last year. But on Friday, the network's entertainment chairman Bob Greenblatt told reporters that Community will complete its third season -- though a return date is unknown. Still, that means once again we'll have Troy and Abed on our TVs.

Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie so that we could fast-forward to the new episodes. Instead, to tide you over, we at Cultist were forced to create new hijinks for our favorite study group. We may fall short of the brilliance of the Community writers' room, but we figured at the very least it could help us "Pop! Pop!" some hilarity into our Greendale-less winter.

5. A Vampire Episode
Facing a new budgetary shortage at Greendale, Dean Pelton elects to

hold a fashion show on campus with a theme he believes will rake in

megabucks -- vampires. Because of the success of the Twilight movies,

the dean calls for the Star-Burns-led sewing club to produce, show, and

sell a line of apparel that would look great on teenagers in Washington

State (which includes an incredibly gruesome outfit inspired by Bella

giving birth. Just use your imagination here). The study group obviously

gets roped in to model, and are all mandated to strut their stuff

covered head to toe with body glitter (because vampires sparkle in

light). In true Community fashion, for some reason both Jeff and Troy

appear topless.

4. A Greendale Caucus
It's school election time! As the presidential

reign of South Park (which overwhelmingly won the last election) draws

to a close, the school decides that regular elections are so passé.

Instead, based on the buzz associated with Iowa's version of

democracy, the school elects to hold a caucus. Annie, still fighting her

perfectionist tendencies, runs for the second consecutive year. Pierce,

still seeking love and popularity in all the wrong ways, decides to run

against her. Troy and Abed are asked to be the caucus leads for their

two friends, and their BFFitude is put to the test. Students once

again act apathetically, and Kickpuncher becomes elected as president

after Troy and Abed mend their ways and cast the only two votes.

Commence secret handshake!

3. The Human Beings Curling Championships
In an attempt to impress a hot

Canadian exchange student, Jeff starts a varsity curling team on campus.

The big championship against rival City College is right around the

corner, and the team's best player, Magnitude, is sidelined because his arm

"Popped! Popped!" out of his socket. The team, with Jeff at its helm, has

to put together a trick play in order to wrest victory at the last

second. Unfortunately, the Flying V does not always work in curling.

Meanwhile, in the darkest timeline created earlier this season, another

paintball war breaks out on campus. But when someone replaces paintballs

with real bullets, terror rains from the sky.

2. The Greendale Breakfast Club

angry about the group not getting one of his jokes about Eartha Kitt,

locks Jeff, Troy, Abed, Shirley, and Annie in the study room. The gang reacts in classic 1980s John Hughes style, with

Abed as the brain, Troy as the athlete, Annie as the princess, Shirley

as the basket case and Jeff as the misunderstood rebel. In a related B-plot, Britta

reads an article about the dangers of cell phone usage and has stolen

all mobile devices from the study group, which prevents them from

calling for help. Luckily, still-on-the-loose monkey Annie's Boobs

snatches the keys from a slumbering Pierce and sets them free.

1. The Super-Meta Network Slam

Pelton undergoes a traumatic brain injury and decides to put all

Greendale classes on an indefinite hiatus. He then allows this year's

classes to resume, but doesn't tell the students when. But as his brain

tissues begin to heal themselves -- and through the power of love and a

realization that genius had been STARING HIM IN THE FACE EVERY THURSDAY

AT 8 PM -- the dean not only reinstates all classes, but assures that

lessons will last for three more years. We at Cultist call this episode

"Hashtag Six Seasons And A Movie."

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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