Drunkenly eating a cheeseburger got The Hoff one, dating Sly Stalone's ex got Foofy-Foo one, and doing a blond brigade of future ex wives got Huge Hefner one, so, why wouldn't tiger blood and goddesses get Charlie Sheen one?
Today Comedy Central announced that the next celebrity roastee to be verbally-stoned by D-listers is Charlie Sheen. And considering the media-humping year Carlos Irwin Estévez has had, it doesn't come as much of a surprise. And neither will the WINNING jokes (four of which we'll openly admit we've already utilized in this post). But what is still to be revealed to the public about roast that will air September 19 is the list of Celebrity Roasters. So, who will accompany Lisa LampanelliJeffreyRossGilbert GottfriedJeffGarlinNickDiPaoloPattonOswalt when they roast the most bitchin' rock star from Mars (#5)? We don't know. But here's our wish list:
Really Kutcher should be licking Sheen's superior human brain for keeping his no-talent ass culturally relevant when he replaced Sheen on Two and a Half Men. But honestly, we can't think of many things funnier than the humiliation on Sheen's face while an ass hat like Kutcher puts him down. Extra points for Kutcher if all his slams are 140 characters or less.
Bob and Max (Charlie's twin two year-old sons):
Sure their vocabulary probably consists of only a few key words and phrases -- mommy, daddy, bottle, rehab, flutter, bro, Adonis DNA, magic, and NO, NO, DON'T KILL ME -- but whatever other words they do reveal will probably supply other comedians on stage with plenty of amo. And what's cuter than a pair of toddlers saying "Daddy, you're a fucking troll but we love you violently"? Awwww, adorable! Coochie-coo.
Many, many moons ago, before Preston became a professional beard for John Travolta, she howled at the moon with Charlie Sheen. They were actually engaged until Sheen shot her in the arm with a gun. Now if that's not a story that needs to be rehashed on stage for our amusement, we really don't know another story that should be. Maybe the story of how Charlie Sheen met his most recent ex wife ("I was doing a line of blow off of Paris Hilton's tit when I saw, nuzzled between Paris's crab-infested legs, the face of an angel. I asked her name and it was Brooke") but stories that involve firearms seem so much more fun.
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Sheen fucked Heidi hard. Not the way he fucked goddesses, but more like the way he fucked CBS. In 1995, during the former Hollywood Madam's trail for running a prostitution ring, Sheen testified against her. Girlfriend ended up in the middle of the Nevada desert doing meth and living in a giant mansion with no one except for a flock of parrots. And although Fleiss has recently defended Sheen, Heidi's chatty and we're thinking if someone met her in the bathroom for a quick party favor before hitting the stage, we'd get plenty of interesting info. And perhaps avian flu.
Who would've thought that the gal who's best known for having a threesome scene with Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon, stealing her best friend's husband, and accusing her ex of having tranny-infested sperm would turn out looking like the most responsible person in Sheen's life? Especially since she's been respectably tight-lipped about her ex's public unraveling since the get-go. Maybe it's the child support money that's been making Richards mum, or maybe it's more complicated than that, but we'd love for her to unseal those lips.
How does that phrase go again? Revenge is a dish best served TOLD YOU I'D GET EVEN WITH YOU AND YOUR EGOMANIACAL BULLSHIT, EARTHWORM! I'M THE FUCKING WINNER! BOOM, BITCH, BYE! Yeah, we're pretty sure that's how it goes.