| Culture |

Chippendales Miami Opening Night: Buns, Guns, and Then Some

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Equal parts sexy and raunchy, Chippendales -- "the number one male revue in the world" -- has brought its Las Vegas flair to Miami for a limited engagement inside SoBe's famed Mansion nightclub. Running every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night through January 25, this ain't your typical male strip show. Sure, you'll get a fair share of ridiculous those-must-be-Photoshopped abs, glistening pecs, and booties that you could bounce quarters, but you'll walk away thoroughly entertained and not reeling from the secondhand embarrassment that comes with seeing grown men dancing in shiny thongs for crumpled dollar bills (as in the shame spiral that is LaBare).

See also: Chippendales Male Strippers To Shake Their Junk at Mansion Miami

The 75-minute performance is exactly what you would picture a Vegas revue to look like, too. While there's plenty of gyrating, grinding, and air-humping, there's also a heaping helping of singing and comedy thrown in for good measure. One minute you're watching a perfectly choreographed dance routine to the tune of "Baby Got Back"; the next you see one of these cuties belting out a Boyz II Men tune. There's even a Dating Game-style skit called Chipp Shot, in which female audience participation is a big factor.

In fact, this show is heavy on interacting with the overheated masses. Whether they're inviting ladies up on stage and tying them up in a nod to Fifty Shades of Grey or shaking at 100 jiggles per minute in the middle of the crowd, these guys do not shy away from the grabby little hands of Miami's fieras.

Plus, there's something to tickle everyone's fancy. Always wanted to save a horse and ride a cowboy? There's a Western number just for you. Tom Cruise in Risky Business totally your jam? Good, because you'll definitely be singing along to that old time rock 'n' roll. Fireman fetish? They've got you covered with a hypersexualized performance that will have you looking at an ax in a whole new light.

There's just one thing you won't be seeing, and that's their bits and pieces. While you'll definitely say "DAT ASS" several times throughout the night, full frontal is never gonna happen. "We try to make the show accessible for women of all ages," says Jaymes Vaughan, Chippendales dancer and Justin Timberlake lookalike (seriously, he was the spitting image of one Mr. JT). "This is a show even grandma can come to," he adds. "Besides, who wants to see a penis just flopping around? That isn't sexy." The refusal to show the goods may have you questioning the authenticity of each cast member's um... member... but Jaymes assured us that stuffing is absolutely not an option. THANK GOD.

Deliciously campy and cheesy, it's a good time to be had by all (yes, even your abuela). Whether you're a bachelorette celebrating your final days of singledom, a recent divorcee rejoicing in the end of a failed marriage, or a gal just looking to get her Missy Elliott-style freak on, the Chippendales show is an experience worth having, ESPECIALLY in the 305. Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but what happens in Miami... never happened.

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