Celebrity Autobiography Hilariously Exposes Stars' Stupidity

Celebrity Autobiography, which opened Thursday for a limited two week run at the Arsht Center, features comics such as Rachel Dratch and actors like Sharon Gless reading verbatim selections from actual memoirs of celebrities like Elizabeth Taylor, Burt Reynolds and Tiger Woods.

And the hilarious end result confirmed pretty much what we already know: celebrities are vain, narcissistic, insecure people. But, mostly, they're dumber than a sack of hammers.

Originally created in Los Angeles by Eugene Pack, who also reads on stage, Celebrity Autobiography is an ingenious show that exposes and skewers the bovine and vapid nature of some of the biggest celebrities from the past and present.

There's David Hasselhoff's Making Waves, where the Baywatch star tells of his motivation for writing his memoir by expressing how he simply wants to be remembered for being more than a guy in a red speedo running through the beach, while sharing the anguish of hitting such a high note during a performance of Jekyll and Hyde on Broadway that he passed out. 

Ivana Trump begins her autobiography The Best Is Yet to Come, with this gem: "I wish we could sit down with a cup of tea so we can work out your problems." Donald Trump's ex-wife then dispenses advice on raising children with an example of her tough-love with her kids on ski slopes: "At the age of two, I took each of them to the top of a hill and told them, 'Ski down!' They would wail, 'I don't like it!' 'Tough honey,' I'd tell them. 'Get to the bottom of the mountain.' "

A Tiger Woods memoir dispensed "golf" lessons as only Tiger could give them: "I would just get up there and bang the ball hard into the hole."

Some of the funnier moments came from readings of Suzanne Sommers poems, the not-so sexual adventures of Giraldo Rivera, and readings from Tommy Lee's Tommyland where he compares a woman's clitoris to a gummy bear.

Actor, comedian Craig Bierko's reading and impersonation of Hollywood icons Burt Reynolds and Richard Burton were especially hilarious. And Mario Cantone stole the show with his Liza Minnelli and Justin Beiber.

The entire night was intentional, unintentional comedy at its highest form. 

Look for our longer review in this week's issue.

Celebrity Autobiography at the Arsht Center's Carnival Studio Theater (1300 Biscayne Blvd., Miami) runs through May 15. Tickets cost $45. Visit arshtcenter.org or call (305) 949-6722.

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