4
| Culture |

Castro Death Meter: Sex Machine Fidel is Now Only 56 Percent Dead, Experts Fear

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.

On Monday, Riptide sent recently-published photos of Fidel Castro sitting in a hospital-style wheelchair thingy to a team of high-priced lab-coat-wearing experts. The experts fed the photos, along with a copy of a new book in which a "former official" named "Ramon" claims that Fidel slept with a Wilt-Chamberlain-shaming 35,000 women, into their fancy computer and late yesterday afternoon came back with some very alarming results:

El Supremo hasn't been less dead since 1986.

Among the telltale signs: in the photos of him shooting the shit with the Nicaraguan president, he clearly has everybody in stitches. He probably told some classic rip-roarer -- you know how Fidelito gets when he's all hopped up on Metamucil and tyranny. Nobody tells a better story, bro.

And then there's the fact- - for how could it be anything but if it comes from "Ramon"? -- of the three-thousand-dozen mamas he's tickled with his beard. When you have that much sex, you never die.

After the jump, our experts break it down with a little help from Microsoft Paint.

How dead is he?: 56 percent.

How dead is that?: Well, he's more dead than Tupac Shakur but less dead than Ted Williams. Two out of three funeral directors would have no professional qualms embalming Fidel in his current state, but top Cuban officials (including "Ramon") tell us he is still faster than Usain Bolt, remains hotter than Colin Farrell, and has been way deader, like, tons of times.

How fearful should the American oligarchy be?: Extremely. We're hearing word that, in order to show his revived strength, Fidel might just ban something from the island for the hell of it -- like rainbow sprinkles. Since he already axed strawberry topping in '94, ice cream in Cuba could be less delicious than ever.

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.