Brocations: What Are They and Should You Take One? | Cultist | Miami | Miami New Times | The Leading Independent News Source in Miami, Florida

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Brocations: What Are They and Should You Take One?

​Every guy needs to take a solid brocation on a special broliday. Brolidays can be anything: bachelor party, team victory, or finally understanding why it is anyone gives a shit about the return of the McRib. A brocation is a vacation where dudes go some place to have some good,...
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​Every guy needs to take a solid brocation on a special broliday. Brolidays can be anything: bachelor party, team victory, or finally understanding why it is anyone gives a shit about the return of the McRib.

A brocation is a vacation where dudes go some place to have some good, testosterone-filled fun. It's no place for women they know on a first-name basis. And there are no limits on the sort of debauchery that can go down during a brocation. But most of all, there's a strict "shut the fuck up about that thing that happened, you know the thing, the thing with that chick and her whatever. Yeah, that thing" policy in place.

It's when you have to nut up and do things so depraved they'll make your childhood cry, because these are the big leagues, bitch. It all may sound like some lawless stretch of time (or bad Judd Apatow movie), however, there are a strict set of rules that must be followed on any legitimate brocation. These aren't guidelines, these are rules, and you can't half-ass them. The rules are as follows:

1. Never leave a bro behind. Let's say you guys are on your

brocation and you head out to a club. Your boy Frank the Tank gets

loaded on X and downs a few too many Jäger bombs then passes out in the

bathroom after buying some street-grade Lidocaine from some Persian guy

who claimed that if you rub it on your thing, you'll last longer.

The asshole bathroom attendant tells a bouncer and suddenly a whole

cadre of tourism police shows up with tasers. Back in your hometown, you

can leave that motherfucker there so he'll learn his lesson. However,

on a brocation that's unacceptable. You can't just leave him there. If

homeboy gets a court date, he'll have to hightail his ass back to that

jurisdiction. Never leave a bro behind.

2. Everyone needs to drink. If this is a brocation with Mormons, too bad, time to get shit-faced.

If this is a brocation with recovering alcoholics, too bad, time to

hammer your way back to step one. A lot of times friends haven't seen

their other friends truly drunk before. This is the opportunity to

share. Then down the line, you can mock your buddy T-Bone because he's

the kind of drunk that sheds manly tears and tells the group he can only

get off to ladyboy porn, which brings us to the final, crucial rule.

Curran Kelleher
Frank the Tank is here somewhere
3. Whoever wasn't there shall not be told all the details.

It'd be fucked up if everyone back home found out about T-Bone and his

affinity for dickgirl porn. It's 2011, being liberal is all good and

everyone knows sexuality is shades of gray rather than black and white,

but if the poor guy's circle of friends started saying the T in T-Bone

stands for "tranny" it crosses a boundary that can never be uncrossed.

There are things that can be shared with everyone about the vacation,

like "haha, Fat Fred lost a foot race to a midget." Other things need to

be kept between the participating crew, like "Beanie snowballed a


If you follow those three rules, you're guaranteed to have a stellar brocation.


far as brocation locations, that's pretty simple as well. First you

need to assess the sort of ambiance you wish to establish. There are

three main types of settings.

Vegas: Fine exporter of herpes
1. For utter craziness, Las Vegas.

If you do it right, you'll get action the first night. If done

correctly, there will be at least one major story you'll hide from

everyone back home. Maybe Broseidon's newfound gambling problem cost him

the $10 grand he had saved for an engagement ring he promised his

girlfriend. Or perhaps Bobby Bitchtits unintentionally participated in

some minor human trafficking. Whatever the story may be, this sort of

brocation is where scenes like that play out.

2. For a chill time, road trip.

Granted, Hollywood would have you believe that these can easily

escalate into degeneracy the likes of which make a Dirty Sanchez seem

like the way French people say hello. The reality is these are generally

pretty tame. They're fun, and hitting up bars in different states can be an experience, especially if you do it in Arizona without documentation.

3. For manly outings, camping.

Camping is awesome. There are multiple degrees of camping, from

"camping lite" to "making Bear Grylls shit his pants and drink his own

piss again." The more extreme, the more opportunity for story-worthy

shit to go down. Having to dig a hole to drop a deuce is grand. Getting

plastered in the woods with your boys telling stories about the first

time they dated a girl that swallows is a bonding experience. Having

Trader Joe freeze the group when he says his fantasy is for his

girlfriend to DP him with a double strap-on is eye-opening. This is what

happens on manly brocations.

So should you

take one? Absolutely. There's no better stress reliever in existence

than a break from day-to-day life to spend it far from anyone else you

know with the guys you like chilling with best.

Plus women on bracations tend to leave their morals at home with their inhibitions and cats.

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