The Baltimore Ravens suck at everything. If they tried to kick a soup can into the ocean, they’d miss. They’re weaker than a toothless bum in an apple-eating contest. They’re so out of shape they couldn’t swat a fly without taking a three-hour nap first. Those guys are so blubbery that their blood type is nacho cheese, they drink pork fat through a swirly straw, and their team scale is at a truck stop. What a pathetic excuse for team sports. They couldn’t get along if Oprah were their head coach. In fact, their coach is so old that when he maps out plays on a tablet, he uses a chisel and a slab of stone. He went to a medicine man and found out his spirit animal is a dodo bird. His staff got hired off of Craigslist in the short-term gigs section. Worst of all, their owner is half Italian mobster, half Oompa Loompa. He’s such a douche that his jersey reads, “Massengill.” Watch the Miami Dolphins destroy the Ravens this Sunday at Sun Life Stadium (347 Don Shula Dr., Miami Gardens). Kickoff is at 1 p.m., and tickets cost $50 to $650. Call 305-943-8000 and visit miamidolphins.com.
Sun., Dec. 7, 1 p.m., 2014
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