Best Gifts for People Who Go Crazy for Nature's Pig Candy AKA Bacon

It's a clear and simple fact that everyone not only loves bacon, but would prefer to consume it much more frequently. Even vegetarians crave it and sometimes stray from their anti-flesh eating stance to munch on strips of swine. In honor of this crispy, savory, and sometimes sweet treat (AKA nature's pig candy), we have compiled a few of our favorite holiday gifts with a porcine theme for each of the bacon lovers in our life.

1. For the young or old gamer in your life there's the bacon scented Game Boy soap.

This soap has the power to stop you in your tracks. How did anyone think of something so strange, brilliant, and yet perfectly sensible? And then actually make it? Playing Tetris while munching on breakfast is how we got through the misery that is youth. The aroma of bacon and the Mario Bros. song go together, hand in hand. They're the sounds and smells of childhood.

2. For the romantic, cinephile, or school girl, there's the "You had me at Bacon" hair clip.

In some ways, this item conjures up the idea of greasy food in your hair, or just greasy hair. Kind of gross, but there is something to be said for taking a line from a corny movie (Jerry Macguire, in case you're an alien) and making it into a declaration of love for something that actually deserves that love (unlike Tom Cruise). 

3. For those who need to rock, there's the sick bacon tee.

"Hail Bacon," it proclaims, with a hand making the sign of the horns out of strips of meat. Devil worshiping? No. It's bacon worshipping. Hope the devil's not jealous.

4. For the PMS-er or chocoholic in your family, let them eat 
Sir Francis Bacon Chocolate Peanut Brittle.

There's nothing like candy with a sense of humor that also has meat in it. The philosopher, Bacon, died of the pneumonia he contracted while "studying the effects of freezing on the preservation of meat." (Or at least so says Wikipedia.) Oh the sweet, sweet, bacony irony of it.

5. For the single, catless lady who lives on your block, or is your best bud, there's bacon scented votives.

Imagine how fat these little burnable babies will make her, fatter even than another item you might light up that induces the munchies. The match strikes, the smell wafts through the air, and the lady's ready for a BLT. 

6. For the sick and perverted coworker (or Isabella Rossellini), you can purchase a mug graced with two swine "Makin' Bacon."

'Tis a sick thing to imagine while drinking a cup of Sleepytime tea. After watching Rossellini's Seduce Me, a film where she acts out the types of copulation of sea and land creatures, you will perhaps approach this gift with different eyes. Eyes of acceptance -- that even pigs need to "make bacon." Well, make it away from us, you dirty bastards. 
Archie McPhee -

7. For your lonely child who never has and never will have any friends, there's the bacon tuxedo.

Will you want to eat your child after you see him draped in bacon? There is a very strong chance. Maybe there's a warning on the box? Just remember infanticide is not socially acceptable. Put down the mayo and bread, and step away from the child.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Liz Tracy has written for publications such as the New York Times, the Atlantic, Refinery29, W, Glamour, and, of course, Miami New Times. She was New Times Broward-Palm Beach's music editor for three years. Now she plays one mean monster with her 2-year-old son and obsessively watches British mysteries.
Contact: Liz Tracy