Everyone has that one great aunt who talks about the characters from her "stories" like she knows them personally. We used to think it was kinda sad. But lately, several returning TV shows have us craving a deeper connection with the people we see on the screen.
Yes, we're talking about befriending TV characters. Is it pathetic to feel real affection for a fictional character? Perhaps. But it's no more pathetic than your stash of heavily Photoshopped porn, so maybe let's not be so judgey, okay?
From the Deputy Director of the Pawnee City Department of Parks and Recreation to a sexy Colombian housewife, these are five characters we want as our besties.
We'd wear matching friendship bracelets with New Girl's Jessica "Jess" Day (Zooey Deschanel), but what we really want is to raid her whole closet for cute, colorful skirts and vintage dresses. The wardrobe upgrade is our main draw to Jess, but it's impossible to not like the adorkable teacher with a perfect head of hair, too. I mean, she plays in a handbell group, made up her own theme song, and finds people that don't like dessert flawed -- you'd never have to worry about being cool enough for her. Plus, she'd talk you out of any questionable alcohol-induced actions and then double-make-sure you get home safely.
Never before has a housewife so jaw-droppingly voluptuous warmed up to us like Gloria Pritchett (Sofia Vergara). The Modern Family character may be wholly devoted to her husband and son, but deep down, Gloria is a genuine girl's girl. She's the kind of friend who would instantly cheer you up from a less than stellar day with funny stories spoken in a heavy Colombian accent. Gloria also speaks her mind, so you wouldn't have to worry about her being too nice to tell you that you have something green in your teeth (the truest sign of honesty). With a body like hers around, you'd always be encouraged to go to the gym. And if anyone ever crosses you, she can call in a favor from her homeland.
Parks and Recreation's Leslie Knope (Amy Poehler) is just like that overly ambitious girl you knew in high school that was president of every club -- only she's nicer, and you can take advantage of her penchant for eating waffles heavy on the whip cream. She's not only a hoot to be around (partly because she uses terms like "a hoot"), but borderline creepily loyal and dedicated to her friends. And she'd be an especially great person to have around if you're single at this time of year; on a recent episode, she threw a "Galentine's Day" party for all of her single girlfriends.
Need help scheming the demise of a longtime enemy? Need to learn how to sneak into an ex-boyfriend's apartment without getting caught? How about someone to teach you how nail a roundhouse kick? The vindictive, badass Emily Thorne of Revenge (Emily VanCamp) is your girl. You'll also be able to join her at all the fancy Hampton parties she's invited to as she navigates the upper echelon of society in order to destroy those who betrayed her father. And should you ever need a lesson in Internet Stalking Your Date 101, Emily is your girl.
Let's be clear: Two Broke Girls is lame and racist. But we can't help but love Max Black (Kat Dennings). Yes, she can be mean at times. But isn't that what being a tough Brooklyn cookie is all about? Max's wit and dry humor would knock some sense into your shoe-splurging ways, and she'd single-handedly teach you all the street smarts in the book. Plus, if you ever find yourself without a place to live, she will (grudgingly) offer up her couch for you to crash on. (It helps if you're a former billionaire princess with a heart of gold.)
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.