Basketball Wives Episode Five: Jennifer & Evelyn Are Terrible Toasters

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Finally, the Basketball Wives are back in Miami and head straight to dinner to do what they do best: talk smack. And because the blogosphere is still talking about the little throw down between Tami Roman and Kesha Nichols, we are glad to see the ladies haven't forgotten it, either.

But that fight's just a minor scuffle compared to the brawl later to come at Shaunie O'Neal's birthday dinner. (Don't worry, we will get to that.)

This evening, Royce Reed & Suzie Ketcham head over to visit Kesha in her hometown of Drexel, North Carolina. Where is Drexel, you ask? It's at the exact middle of nowhere, apparently. The most impressive thing about the place is its antique shop.

Oh, and four-wheeling.

We don't want to say we hate Kenya Bell, but we just don't understand this bitch. She moved to New York to start her music career. But now she's in Miami, and she says if all goes well, she hopes to stay here. Um, what? Girl, you need to pick a home and we hope it's not the MIA. While she and Jennifer Williams hit South Beach to shop, they discuss how much Jenn  hates Evelyn, and how much Evelyn hates Jenn, and how much everyone hates everyone because this is Basketball Wives and nobody is happy, ever. But at least Kenya was making an effort to get cool with one of the ladies.

Speaking of Jennifer, we imagine she loves this episode of Basketball Wives. Why? Because she was actually a part of this episode.

This episode also featured Lil Wayne's right hand man, Birdman. We've actually met Birdman before, so we know he's a character. (It may or may not have been at King of Diamonds, but that is another story.) Still, seeing him sit down with that big-ass star on his head talking about producing Evelyn's book blew our mind. What a motley crew: Evelyn, Bird, Bird's daughter Slim (does she always look so high?), and Vernon Brown, the creative director of Cash Money. Yeah, we aren't sure how that suit-wearing man rolls with the rest of them, but hey, best of luck.

Then, it all came down to the birthday day dinner for Shaunie.

Things started out well enough. Jennifer and Evelyn were seated far away from one another, drinks were flowing, shots were being taken, and Shaunie had her toddler of a boyfriend by her side. Then, Kenya decided to make a toast. To herself. Classy. But that wasn't the worst part of the night. Was it Suzie's toast calling Tami the queen of food stamps? Nope, that wasn't it either. The most embarrassing, what-were-you-thinking moment of the show began -- of course-- with Evelyn and Jennifer.

Evelyn made a tear-filled speech about Ms. O'Neal and how rich she has made them all. Everyone started crying and hugging. (Jennifer showed her emotions by Tweeting on her Blackberry.) Then there was the line that started it all: "As a friend ... I've never changed to you and I will forever be loyal to you," Evelyn told Shaunie.

That, apparently, inspired Jennifer to make a speech about herself, with a touch about how great Shaunie is. Evelyn was less than impressed. Not to be outdone (or should we say outspeeched?) Evelyn launched into My Toast to Shaunie: The Sequel: "I want to toast to loyalty, to not talking shit about your motherfucking friends on your blog, and let's sum it up with being loyal to your friends," she says. Nothing makes a birthday wish special like an f-bomb.

"Let's add in not being disrespectful either," Jen said, glass raised. Naturally, Evelyn reverted to her natural state of beating the shit out of people in nice restaurants. As she was being escorted, The Bodyguard-style, out of the restaurant, she yelled, "You ain't about this life!" How long until we can get that phrase on a t-shirt?

Sadly, Evelyn didn't get to hit Jennifer. Maybe next week.

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