Seriously, kids, the Dolphins aren’t giving you much to cheer about this season, so this is a call to arms for sports fans: Redirect your efforts to hockey. Our Florida Panthers are lookin’ good, and their shortcomings (the boys have been a bit slow in the early periods) will be -- let’s hope -- nipped in the bud from the team’s recent excursion to West Point. See, the higherups wanted to curtail the offense’s sluggishness and increase team building (Olli can’t do everything), so they scooped the boys up and literally dropped them off at boot camp last week. The Panthers spent all night rescuing lost “soldiers” from pitch-black swamps while combat officers taunted them; so if the ice is too thin or the opposing crowd too violent, our men will know how to survive.

The team’s strength lies in closing the deal during those final, nail-biting minutes, so if the West Point mission successfully strengthens our guys’ early play, the Cats could dominate the division and -- yeah, I’m gonna say it -- the league. You can watch the Panthers brutalize the Jersey Devils during the second home game of the season at the BankAtlantic Center, and cop a feel on that frisky mascot, to boot. Tickets cost $17 for the rafters, and then prices go way, way up as players become visible to the naked eye. The puck drops at 7:30 p.m.
Thu., Oct. 11, 7:30 p.m., 2007