Dear Hollywood Starlet,
We have followed you from the beginning of your blossoming career in Hollywood. We watched you squeeze from the vagina of small-town America and be born into the limelight of our hearts. We have stood by you when you took that nonspeaking role in the latest uninspired horror remake. We fell in love with the random line of boy toys you chose to date -- a new one for each month like you were designing a calendar.
Yes, you are young, beautiful, and rich. But revealing the fruit of your loins during an interview meant to promote your hit TV show is downright shameful. And to stay mum about your baby daddy's identity as if waiting for a more opportune moment, (sweeps week?) well, that's just a slap in the face. (We're looking at you, January Jones.)
Is there some line in your contract that pays big if your womb gets
a new tenant? At the very least, it's a PR bonanza for your career. And
if it's not handled properly -- take our word for it -- you will look
like an ass (yes, one with an adorable baby bump).
Some
celebs do it the right way. "Yeah, I'm pregnant. Let's hear it for old
ladies having babies!" Tina Fey said while hanging out with her good
friend Oprah. You could argue that she showboated the coming of her
second baby on national television. But really, how else is she
supposed to tell her friend Oprah that she is pregnant? Oprah never
leaves TV -- she has a whole network to run. And it's not like she ripped
open her shirt and yelled, "I want you to feel the love that's growing
inside me!"
So c'mon, young starlet. Despite the recent hubbub over
Beyoncé's VMA announcement, your pregnancy is the greatest thing to
happen in your life -- not ours.
Love,
Cultist
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