Ambassadors, Dressed as Inmates, Welcome Visitors to Coral Gables

We like to make fun of Coral Gables here at Cultist. The ritzy city is an easy target - an affluent, conservative community surrounded by a much grimier and poorer metropolis always makes for some good mean-spirited fun. But even we can't fault the City Beautiful for its emphasis on culture, with some of the best theater, cinema, museums, restaurants, and bookstores in all of Miami.
And it looks like the city is taking its cultural offerings seriously as well, or trying to at least, as they are set to unveil a new Downtown Ambassador Program in April that provides street side, concierge like services by specifically trained city workers. Read on to see what kind of questions you should be asking these ambassadors.

Dressed in prison jumpsuit-looking uniforms (bright orange with big letters) and

driving around obnoxious peanut-sized Smartcars, the ambassadors will

provide hospitality services, answer questions about the city and its

history, give directions, hand out literature such as maps and

brochures, and provide info on current events, restaurants and bars, and hotels. Good job Coral Gables.

We subscribe to the theory that no good deed goes unpunished, so below

are five questions to ask the ambassadors to embarrass them

or stump them:

1. This is Coral Gables right? Where is the cock fight scheduled for tonight?

2. I hear it's illegal to park pick up trucks in the city overnight but where can I park my swamp buggy?

3. Are you aware that from a certain angle the silhouette of the statue

of city founder George Merrick in front of City Hall makes it look like

he has an massive erection?

4. Where can I get a massage with a happy ending?

5. If the idea of the ambassador program is to provide friendly helpful

information, why on earth did the City of Coral Gables choose you --

parking enforcement officers who are notoriously mean and insensitive -- as its goodwill ambassadors? And are you going to give

me a parking ticket after telling me where Books & Books is?

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Sebastian del Mármol