When it came to food news in 2012, there were some real doozies. From murders committed over a disagreement about a snack, to food fetishist teachers, to frivolous 911 calls, people were really freaking cray-cray this year.
I've put together some of the most unfathomable occurrences from the past 365 days for your perusal. After all...why suffer alone?
5. Man Steals Pickled Food
This past March 28, police were called to a Chevron gas station in North Miami to stop a robbery. Unlike most thieves, who steal money, jewelry, or electronics, the criminal in question was stealing the most unsavory of gas station snackery -- pickled food. You know those grimy jars full of red formaldehyde and UFOs (unidentifiable food objects)? Well, he immersed his hands in several of 'em, gobbled down the grotesqueries, declared the food inedible, and then...ate some more. What we can't understand is how the damages were estimated at $48...
4. "I may joke, but I do not do crack."
This is technically cheating, since the story happened before Jan. 1, but it made the news in 2012, so we're including Mary Ellen Lisse - she is just too crazy not to. After calling 911 several times to report that she 'ate too much food' Lisse was arrested by police who showed up at the Ft. Pierce hotel she was staying at. Lisse randomly declared that she had not used cocaine in a year (she wasn't asked) and then proceeded to make the following statement to police: "My name is Mary Ellen Lisee. I have beaten, I believe in God, and He forgives me. I may joke, but I do not do crack. I will not for as long as I live." ("I may joke, but I do not do crack" T-shirts still available on my website for only $5.)
3. She Needs Vitamin C
Paul Gilkey killed several relatives, including his son, over a disagreement about what his cancer-stricken wife should eat as her snack. Gilkey had peeled an orange for her, but the stubborn relatives ignored his offering and served her tea and toast. He then walked out on to the porch and shot himself in the chest. Moral of the story? Eat your fruits and vegetables.
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2. Food Lovers
A teacher in Canada was allowed to teach for years, even amidst highly inappropriate behavior with his students -- mostly involving food. Gavin Bradford conducted sexually-charged conversations with his students via phone and MSN Messenger, and wasn't reprimanded for years. Bradford "asked numerous female students to smear themselves with pie, ketchup, eggs and other foods in front of a webcam." He also asked them to "perform" during these webcam chats. For example, asking a student to pour sour milk down her pants and ketchup over her head. He just loves food. Is that so wrong? Retch.
1. You Will Not Eat Babies. I Mean It.
This instance of food news craziness wins because it involves a politician and I felt it would lend some gravitas to the list. Take pride in the fact that there are politicians out there creating laws to protect you - even from imaginary dangers. In 2012, Sen. Ralph Shortey (R-Oklahoma City), introduced a bill banning the use of human fetuses in food. You probably didn't know that food manufacturers used baby parts in their food products. Your ignorance is easily explainable - it's because they don't. The Senator himself admitted that he did not know of any companies using human fetuses as an ingredient, but felt he should create the bill just in case.