Worst Cooks in America: Handicapping the Miami Hopefuls
We wouldn't eat this for a million dollars.
People came from as far away as Jacksonville, driving all night, with friends and the remains of some animal in Tupperware in tow, in the hopes of
impressing horrifying the two star chefs with their creations experiments gone awry.
More than 50 people showed up for the chance to learn how to cook on national television. The producers wouldn't tell us if any Miamians were bad enough to make it on the show, so we've picked our favorites. Here are our hopefuls, along with their names so you know not to accept any dinner reservations from them in the near future.
Mollie Rose, Miami Beach
Macaroni 'n' Cheese ... Soup
When Mollie Rose went off to college, her mom made a recipe box of easy, coed-friendly dishes, complete with happy faces and hearts. Mollie proceeded to never open the recipe box, which might explain her dish of boxed mac 'n' cheese. Biggest problem: Mollie forgot to read Kraft's instructions and never drained the water from the pasta, creating that new dorm sensation: mac 'n' cheese soup.
Criminal Level: 1 When you cook solely in a microwave, at least you can't start a fire.
Suzanna Vogel, Miami
Suzanna Vogel's canapes look delightful from a distance, but close up, they smell like something dredged from the Everglades. A distinct fishy smell comes from these little belly bombs. And who decorates seafood with green grapes and whipped cream, anyway?
Criminal Level: 2 When something looks like a petit four but smells like the Creature From the Black Lagoon, call the authorities.
Shannon (pictured with Dolphins Cheerleaders Lily, Isabel, Kellie, and Candi), Miami
Chicken and Fried Rice With Peanut Butter Cookies
What was Shannon thinking, bringing along her own cheering squad? Here's the deal: By placing burnt offerings alongside beautiful girls, you only make your food look worse. Second problem: If the players show up, they'll mistake Shannon's chicken for the world's smallest football and punt that sucker into the end zone.
Criminal Level: 3 Shannon did provide us with something that smelled and looked yummy. Unfortunately it wasn't her food.
Guirlene Derissiur, West Palm Beach
Perfumed Baked Beef
Guirlene is pretty as a picture, but this girl knows nothing about cooking. She bakes her beef in oil and then adds ice cubes to "cool it off." Bananas and vegetables are used for color; then the whole dish is given a liberal spray of cologne to make it smell better.
Criminal Level: 4 Guirlene has set womankind back about 60 years, but she looks great doing it.
Nancy Posteri, Fort Lauderdale
Chicken à la King
Newlywed Nancy (shown with husband Todd) wanted to cook her hubby a nice meal, so she made chicken à la king. Taking a page from the blondes-may-have-more-fun-but-they-can't-read-labels book (written by Jessica Simpson), Nancy used Chicken-of-the-Sea for her protein. Which is fine by her, because she'll only cook with food in a can. At least it's in a pretty pink dish.
Criminal Level: 5 Husband Todd doesn't seem to mind (although he looks a bit thin), so why should we?
Alexandra Izzi, Sunny Isles Beach
Rice and Ketchup
When Alexandra and her boyfriend lived in New Jersey, she decided to make a chicken. However, she didn't realize she was supposed to defrost the bird, and then she proceeded to burn down their home. With no place to go, they decided to move to Miami. Lucky for us, Alexandra now has a microwave. And a small fire extinguisher.
Criminal Level: 6 Though the fire wasn't ruled arson, we think burning down a house is pretty bad.
Raspberry Coconut Sofrito Chicken
Somebody's been watching too many Food Network shows, because that's one
fancy name for something that looks and smells like a creature that
crawled under a rock to die. When fiancé Brett Baumgart warned us to
back away before Chris opened the container, we should have expected something horrific, but
nothing could have prepared us for this monstrosity. Chris told us that
her cooking broke up a past relationship, so she's looking for a way to
save her impending marriage. Our free wedding advice: Chinese take-out (and lots of sex).
Criminal Level: 7 When you need marriage counseling from Bobby Flay and Anne Burrell, you're in trouble before you start.
Lisbeth Salazar, Miami
Rice and Beef
A lot of moms invent creative ways to get their kids to eat dinner -- pizzas with smiley faces made from veggies, mixing applesauce and carrots into cupcakes. But we've never heard of coloring rice with green food coloring to make it more appetizing. Don't fret, Lisbeth's rice isn't always green -- sometimes it's purple, sometimes it's red, sometimes it's blue.
Criminal Level: 8 Lisbeth means well, but what happens when her adorable children find out that pasta doesn't really look like a Rainbow Brite cartoon? Or Santa's not real? We foresee some disappointed little girls.
Paula Thebert, Hollywood
Paula is the first person we talked to whose cooking sent a family member to the emergency room. She made some of her spaghetti chili for her son Brandon. He ate it, but she should have taken a clue from the dog, which had the good sense to throw up the offering. Brandon, however, had to be rushed to the hospital.
Criminal Level: 9 Making your dog sick is bad. Making your kid sick is way worse.
Krista Fischer, LaBelle
Pork Chops and Biscuits
Krista leaves a path of destruction wherever she goes. She has started fires that led to hair and eyebrow singing, imploded hams (we thought that happened only in the movies), and sent people to the hospital with her recipes. Here she displays her signature pork chops and biscuits. If they look shiny, it's because she bakes them in plastic wrap to keep them fresh -- in a 475-degree oven (which, obviously to everyone but Krista, melts the plastic into the meat). We're officially in need of a stomach pump.
Criminal Level: 10
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