It's here, folks. Barring an alien invasion (we're talking to you, Martians), today Donald J. Trump will be sworn in as the president of the United States.
Doomsday scenarios are already being batted about — like CNN's cheering thought that if everyone gets vaporized during the inaugural ceremonies (see the above-mentioned Martian attack), some low-level cabinet member could actually become interim president.
The good news is that our great nation has experienced wars, terrorism, and lousy presidents, and it is still around and likely to still be here after four years of a Trump administration.
For now, there's today's inauguration, a bombastic transfer of power filled with history, emotion, and C-listers that will cost around $200 million, according to the New York Times. The event begins at 9:30 a.m. and includes performances by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and America's Got Talent runnerup Jackie Evancho. The official swearing in ceremony is at noon. With that lineup, you're gonna need a drink or two — or 75.
Rolling Stone has published a drinking game to accompany the (ahem) festivities, asking you to knock back one every time Trump "berates or insults a media outlet or gloats about one that is dying or dead," "references the popular vote versus the Electoral College," or "name-checks a celebrity or references The Apprentice," to name a few.
Here are the best places to day-drink during the inaugural ceremonies.
Pro tip: Get a seat at the bar early and stay there until this clock winds down:
Airport Cafe & Liquors
Airport Cafe opens at 11 a.m., leaving you plenty of time to order a cubano and pick out your favorite bottle of bourbon from the shelves of booze. If there ever was a day that called for drinking straight from the bottle, this is it.
This combination bar and showplace is open 24 hours a day and features two-for-one cocktails from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. Channel your inner Donald as you watch the showgirls and wonder which one is "classy" enough to be the next first lady if Donald needs a Mar-a-Largo stand-in for Melania.
Happy's Stork Lounge
This 79th Street Causeway bar opens at 11 a.m. and boasts five TVs for viewing our new intrepid leader. Happy hour begins at 11 a.m. and includes $4 well drinks. In a seemingly Trumpian move, imported beers cost $4 and domestics run $3 — so you can make American beer great again.
Mac's Club Deuce
South Beach's venerable Deuce has been named one of the best dive bars in America by Playboy. The bar opens at 8 a.m. with a two-for-one happy hour from 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. That makes it easy to get tanked well before Toby Keith starts singing about trucks.
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Monty's Coconut Grove
Monty's in Coconut Grove opens at 11:30 a.m. so you can drown your sorrows in a beautiful waterfront setting. Plenty of TVs will guaranty a good view of the swearing-in. Once you're there, might as well stay for happy hour, which runs from 4 to 8 p.m. and offers live music, a raw-bar boat featuring clams and peel-and-eat shrimp for $1 each, and discounted drinks.
The Playwright Irish Pub
Grab a seat at this South Beach Irish pub filled with British and Irish visitors who are sure to buy you a sympathy drink for having to endure four years of Trump. The Playwright opens at 11 a.m. with pitcher specials, $6 margaritas, and three different shots for $6 each.
If our new president were to visit Miami Beach, he'd likely enjoy a visit to Ted's Hideaway and its hot bartenders. It's also sweet serendipity that this bastion of booze opens at noon — exactly the same time the Donald becomes the leader of the free world. Luckily, Ted's is open until 5 a.m., so you can drown your sorrows for a long, long time.