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Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

What happened to the cute puppy?
What happened to the cute puppy?
All photos by Laine Doss

Remember when Valentine's Day was this sweet holiday where you gave your crush a pretty heart filled with chocolates? The heart would usually have a ribbon or some lace or a silk rose on it. Inside, the chocolates would be filled with cherries or caramel.

Those days are gone. We guess that since relationships aren't so simple anymore (how many of you out there have your Facebook relationship status on "it's complicated"?), it stands to reason that the days of the innocent little candy heart are gone!

You can still buy a candy heart for your sweetie - just be prepared to find declarations of greed or dark lords of the Sith instead of a teddy bear.  Here are the ten most cynical candy hearts we've found. If you get one of these, we suggest couples therapy immediately.

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

10.Spongebob Squarepants
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea and is about as sexy as a case of herpes? Spongebob Squarepants, that's who. If that face doesn't give you nightmares, how about the subtle hint about what's inside? Come on -- isn't this the perfect way to tell someone that they might need to make an appointment at the free clinic to go with that other amazing gift -- a case of crabs?

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

9. Oinking Pig
When giving Valentine's Day gifts, the following animals are good: puppies, kitties, and bunnies. Pigs, cows, and any other animal that infers weight gain or sagging breasts, not so good. What's next? A gift certificate to Jenny Craig? V-Day fail!

 

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

8. Drama Queen
Since you're such a difficult bitch, you'll probably hate these drug store-bought candies anyway. Maybe if you weren't such a misery, you'd actually get jewelry instead of this not-so-hidden meaning. Since this little gift will likely end in a break-up, maybe you'll learn a valuable lesson for next time.

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

7. Spin The Bottle
Happy Valentine's Day, baby. I got you a present. By the way, if your sister wants to join us for dinner, she can. No one should be alone on Valentine's day (wink, wink)....

 

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

6. Friend Fortune Cookies
Happy Valentine's Day? You know what I see in your future? I see a partner that wil never be able to commit. If I were you, I'd show their "friendly" ass the door.

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

5. I Love Being Single
If you're getting this as a gift, it's pretty self-explanatory that you should immediately leave. Unless you're giving it to yourself as a reminder. In which case, you should also gift yourself a bottle of Chardonnay and some K-Y lube. It's going to be a long night.

 

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

4. Square-Shaped Heart Box
No really, it's a heart. It says so right on the box. See? Heart!

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

3. Chocolate Never Thinks I'm Crazy
My boyfriend bought this for me. OK, so we broke up six weeks ago and I bought this candy for myself. He probably wanted to buy me something, but didn't know what to get me. For some reason, he never answers the phone when I call him at 3 a.m. Probably because he's out with that slut. Maybe next time, I'll just drive by in my pajamas....

 

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

2. Warheads
Sure we fight a lot, but you gotta admit ... the make-up sex is mind-blowing!

Valentine's Day For Cynics: The Ten Worst Candies

1. Darth Vader
You will love me ... or I'll blow up your f**king planet.

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