You could say fat runs in my family. Like, genetically. That's my great grandpa to the right. They called him Chins Mulliggan.
He was an Irish gangster. A hard drinking killer that carried tripe in his overcoat pockets, and taught my father to do the same.
So I don't entirely blame the fast food industry for suckering me into a lifelong obsession with fried foods via the toys they used to market their food to me as a kid.
Fact is I probably would've weighed 320 regardless. Plus, I still collect the toys.
Here are some of my favorite retro fast food toys:
10. Burger King, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Late '80s, early '90s: I used to have the whole collection until my older brother made a bong out of Leonardo. Don't ask where he put the bowl.
9. Long John Silver's, Free Willy 2 - Early 90's: Gotta love the irony of a fish house with a sad whale for a toy.
8. McDonald's, Hamburglar hand puppet - '80s: Me and this guy had some good times. He was my partner in crime. We used to jack fools for cheeseburgers together.
7. Hardee's, California Raisins - 1988: Did anybody else have the Meet The Raisins album on tape? Man those wrinkly fuckers could sure carry a tune. I miss them.
6. Dairy Queen, Double Dip Ice Cream Cone Fishing Lure & Whistle - '98 and '91: If you've ever gotten high and mistaken a piece of plastic for actual food then you know as well as I do that plastic shards will cut you to hell. Do not swallow.
5. McDonald's, Ronald McDonald watch - 1984: Back in the day if you had one of these you could tell people your name was Don Ron McDon, stone cold pimp.
4. McDonald's, Fast Food Doll House: I told my parents not to let my sister get this. She's been working at McDonald's since she was 6 years old.
3. Burger King, Cookin' With Alf - 1988: Me and this illegal alien ate so many damn burgers together we got caught at least ten times by the I.N.S., the imminent nasty shits.
2. McDonald's, Transforming Food Toys - '80s and '90s: These were always awesome, and the old metal ones really hurt when someone threw em' at your head.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
1. Burger King, Classic Movie Glasses - '80s: Without question these are the coolest limited edition product ever put out by a fast food company. They are functional collectibles. I drink out of mine everyday. Juice, whiskey, juice mixed with whiskey....nothin' beats ET and Star Wars.