Top 10 Foods The Cast of Jersey Shore Misses on South Beach
Jersey Shore guidos and guidettes can only survive so long when taken out of their environment. MTV recently experimented on the species by sending the cast to South Beach and filming their reactions. As it turns out, when faced with the long-term deprivation of their native foods and habitat, los Jerseyenos became homesick and distraught.The network recently announced they will be heading back home at some point this season. Here are the top 10 foods the cast of Jersey Shore has missed while Jaegerbombing through South Beach.
Guidos and guidettes love clams. They put em' on pizza, in spaghetti, make sandwiches, they even eat em' raw on the half shell...they're good for the hair, make it stay in place harder for longer.
9. Fried Calamari
It doesn't matter how nice the restaurant, whether it's French, Japanese, whateva. Real Guidos always order fried calamari and red sauce. Especially if the restaurant buys it frozen and cooks it to rubber. S'posed to be good for maintaining an orange skin tone.
8. Mack & Manco
Guidos of all ages love Mack & Manco pizza. It's a Jersey Shore staple. You can't get this shit on South Beach.
South Beach pizza is like bread and ketchup compared to this. South Beach pizzas have posters of Mack & Manco's hanging up in the oven while they cook so theys can see what to be like when they grow up.
7.Salt Water Taffy
You would think South Beach doesn't even have salt water by their crap taffy. All their taffy tastes like rice and beans. Tastes like it was made without salt in Cuba, then thrown in the ocean to float over.
Real down-the-Shore fudge is something you can actually trade a Jersey Girl for oral sex. They love it. That's how good it is.
Sure you can buy fudge on South Beach, have em' send it up home as a souvenir, but when you say "Let me get my fudge packed" on South Beach you end up walking funny for weeks.
5. Taylor Ham aka Pork Roll
Can you even buy a fucking pork roll in Flawrida? Fuck you know about a pork roll on a
poppy seed hard roll with egg and cheese huh? Fuhgeddaboutit. Fuck outta heea.
Never get in a Taylor Ham argument with anybody from New Jersey. They won't shut up for hours.
4. Max's Hot Dogs, Longbranch
Word on the street is that back in the day, Max used to kick Nathan's ass for his lunch money. Everybody knows New York has always been jealous of Jersey dogs.
On South Beach they don't even sell hot dogs on the street. You have to go inna restaurant and pay 50 bucks for it to be stuffd wit lobsta, and it tastes like shit.
3. Elephant Ears
It's summertime down the shore, youse been fist-pumping all day or shaking your ass and now it's time to eat. Youse leave the club and there it is, elephant ears, sweet fried and delicious. Alls you see when you leave a club on South Beach is 4 tranny hookers and a midget eatin' a Cuban sandwich.
2. Frozen Custard
Custard is like ice cream if it had sex with an angel and was raised on the fine beaches of Jersey, sweet Jersey.
South Beach is nothin but a lousy smoothie wasteland with ovapriced bootleg gelato, and crap yogurt.
And, the number 1 Guido food that the cast of Jersey Shore miss while filming on South Beach is.....
1. Cheese Balls
Where's my fuckin cheeseballs, huh, where's my fuckin cheeseballs?
Get the Food & Drink Newsletter
Our weekly guide to Miami dining includes food news and reviews, as well as dining events and interviews with chefs and restaurant owners.
More Food & Drink News
- Miami's Best Eats and Drinks This Weekend: Broadway, Beer, and Christmas
Tue., Jan. 19, 6:30pm
Wed., Jan. 20, 7:30pm
Fri., Jan. 22, 6:00pm
Sat., Jan. 23, 8:00pm
- Tamarina Debuts Brunch: All-You-Can-Eat Oysters, Pasta, and Pancakes
- Best Quick and Easy Restaurants for Art Basel 2015