Buying calendars is a kind of a new concept. Growing up, we usually got a calendar from some local shop. Dad got a calendar filled with either babes in bikinis (or less) or cars from the local tire shop, mom placed one on the kitchen wall filled with either flowers or mountain streams -- a gift from the local grocer or dry cleaner. Sadly, people don't really get calendars as free gifts any more. This has caused an entire industry to surface. That's all well and good, and we like such a large choice, but some of these calendars are just totally bizarre. Who needs a Words and Wisdom of Sarah Palin or Exotic Chicken calendar, anyway?
It doesn't stop at politics or poultry. We found some totally insane food calendars and are passing the ideas on to you -- just in case you want to spend 2012 looking at Spam instead of kittens.
10. Spam
Yes, we know this meat cake is iconic. First set loose upon the world in 1937, it really got a boost during World War II, when eating Spam was considered to be patriotic (apparently the sentiment was "let's suffer like the soldiers overseas"). Spam has been the brunt of many jokes, cookbooks, a song, and a slang expression for junk mail, but we really don't want to look at a pink congealed piece of pork-like jelly for an entire year. ($6.99 on Amazon.com)
9. Martha Stewart Cupcakes
What could be worse than a regular Martha Stewart calendar? One devoted solely to cupcakes. Look, we admire Martha, we really do. That's the point! With her ability to host a dinner party for 235 people, repaint the guest bathroom, and sew little monogrammed throw pillows for each guest, she makes us feel woefully inadequate. To look at perfectly turned out cupcakes that are likely decorated for each festive holiday throughout the year is just too much. ($10.19 at Amazon.com)
8. Anne Taintor's Bitchy Women
Yes, we get it. June Cleaver and Donna Reed were screaming in their heads and plotting to kill their husbands -- all the while floating around in a Martini and Valium-induced semi-coma. Here are 12 months of women in the kitchen trying to figure out how to hide enough rat poison in the meatloaf to kill a grown man. Fun! ($39.95 Amazon.com)
7. Sea Food Calendar
How cute...Little whales carved out of eggplant swim happily with banana dolphins and ginger seahorses. If you're looking for the ideal gift for someone who plays Enya while watching Flipper reruns (and is vegan), look no further. ($24.95 Barnes & Noble)
6. Women, Food, and God Calendar
Proof that God is a man. And, yes. He does think you look fat in that dress.($6.99 Barnes & Noble).
5. Foodie Fight Calendar
Perfect for your food blogger friend who smugly tells you everything you really never wanted to know about your food -- right before you eat it. This calendar comes with an endorsement from Jacques Pepin, who (really) was quoted as saying, "Finally, a trivia game that I am interested in and knowledgeable enough to play!" ($68.80 Barnes & Noble)
4. From Girls Calendar
You gotta hand it to the French. Every year, regional cheese producers ask local babes to pose as an homage to fromage. What can we possibly say? Sex sells everything...including cheese. ($30 Sharpandnutty.com)
3. Paula Deen
Forget hot girls in fishnet stockings, guess who was voted hottest television chef by Maxim Magazine? Paula Deen y'all, that's who! Here's Deen in all her butter-eating, stretch-pants-wearing, crazy-eyed drunk glory. ($10.86 Amazon.com)
2. PETA's 2012 Student Planner
Want a constant reminder that your chicken nuggets had a face and a mommy? How about a few pictures of a downed cow at the slaughterhouse before going out to the steakhouse? This calendar comes complete with plenty of space to write down all your protest marches in front of furriers and butcher shops and has inspirational quotes from your favorite vegans like Pamela Anderson. ($9.99 PETA)
1. Violent Veg - X-Rated
If you like to see vegetables taking a crap, having sex, and basically acting like humans on a binge, then this calendar is for you. ($10 Calendar Club.com)
Follow Short Order on Facebook and Twitter @Short_Order.
