Spotted Dick to Cockroach Clusters: Harry Potter's Ten Grossest Foods in the Universe
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 premieres tonight in New York and opens around the country Friday. The end of an era is here. We've spent the last ten years prowling Hogwarts after hours and meeting freaky people.
In the last decade, we have discovered chocolate frogs, sugar quills, and Fizzing Whizbees. But some of the stuff that J.K. Rowling came up with was downright nasty. Here are the ten most disgusting things ever eaten in the books and films, from gross to "I wouldn't eat that if a Death Eater were pointing his wand at me."
10. Spotted Dick
While not technically gross (it's an English pudding), the name is revolting. Could you seriously put something in your mouth called spotted dick? We can't remember where in the books they ate it. But it was there. We can't ever forget this one. It makes for some great jokes at family functions.
Ron is desperate to try this from the grimy Hog's Head pub in Order of
the Phoenix. But quite frankly, it just sounds disgusting. Whisky
already burns - why in Merlin's name add more pain? We found a recipe
that calls for whisky and Tabasco sauce. Not
even if you begged us.
"Why are you worrying about You-Know-Who? You should be worrying about U-No-Poo - the constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!"
When Fred and George Weasley started selling U-No-Poo at their joke
shop in Half-Blood Prince, everyone loved it (and by everyone, we mean
those of us reading. We're sure we wouldn't have been so entertained if
we had actually eaten some). While the thought of candy that impedes
your bowel movements make us cringe, we're sure a couple shots of
firewhiskey would take care of the problem.
7. Blood Lollipops
Famously found at Honeydukes Sweet Shop in Hogsmeade in Prisoner of Azkaban, blood lollis are
actually made with blood. Sure, they're for vampires. But how would you
feel if sitting next to your packets of Drooble's Best Blowing Gum and
Chocolate Frogs was a melting blood pop?
6. Skiving Snackboxes
Another of Fred and George's ingenious inventions, these candies have
two ends - you bite one off to make you sick in class, then eat the
other to make you well again as soon as you're out of class (we're sure they'd be just as useful for work too). Introduced in Order of the Phoenix as a way to piss of Umbridge, they had Puking
Pastilles, Fever Fudge, Fainting Fancies, and Nosebleed Nougat. We like
the sound of a quick fever best, but at some point they give you
massive boils in terrifying places not visible to the public. So maybe
we'll pass on those.
5. Hagrid's cooking
We'd pick the massive, puss-filled boils over Hagrid's cooking any day.
The rock cakes (which are similar to scones) almost broke their teeth in
Sorcerer's Stone. He once made a batch of treacle fudge that glued
Fang's jaw shut. And scariest of all, Hagrid offered the trio "beef"
stew, in which Harry found a talon. (Just in case you didn't know, cows
don't usually have talons).
4. Cockroach Clusters
We can't stomach these. We just can't. Just imagine biting off their
heads. Or worse, flossing later and finding a leftover leg. You'd feel
like they were crawling around your guts the whole day. Honeydukes sells
these, and Ron contemplates buying some for Harry in Prisoner of Azkaban. But really, these
are worse than the blood pops - what magical creature could they
possibly be for?
3. Rotting food at the Deathday Party
In one of the most revolting scenes in all of the books, the ghosts at
Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday party in Chamber of Secrets serve food long past it's
expiration date. Rotten fish, maggoty haggis, mold-covered cheese, and
peanuts covered in fungus are laid out on silver platters. The ghosts
did it in the hopes that they would be able to taste again. But those
poor kids at the party. At least they have manners - we'd have run out
screaming at the smell.
OK, OK, so no one actually eats these. Ron's wand just backfires on him
when he tries to hex Malfoy in Chamber of Secrets. But still. Ron spends the rest of the day
vomiting slugs. Just the thought of it makes creeps us out. It's like a
whole day of awful, slopping French kissing. Except with slugs.
On the bright side, Rupert Grint, who plays Ron, said that they gave him strawberry-flavored ones. How thoughtful of them.
1. Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans
"Alas, earwax." - Albus Dumbledore, Sorcerer's Stone
The beauty (and horror) of Bertie Bott's is, to quote Ron, "they mean
every flavor." So sure, you could get lucky and get caramel and
strawberry. Or, if your luck is anything like ours, you'll pop booger,
grass, and vomit. They sell Bertie Bott's in the muggle world, and they
are arguably worse than the magical ones. Take the pepper for instance.
Rather than tasting like pepper, it takes like pepper and sugar. It
nearly made the rest of the candy come hurling out like slugs.
So what do you think -- did we miss something really god-awful?
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