January 7, 2009 | 12:28pm
Here's one for my "Oh for fuck's sake!" files:
Legislators in Utah
are pushing to restrict restaurants that make mixed drinks in full view of minors, arguing that all those pretty, glittering bottles and delicious-looking garnishes behind the bar constitute a sore temptation, one that could lead youngsters to an unquenchable craving for Manhattans. Senate president Michael Waddoups says that the measure's necessary to protect the "safety and mental future of our children." Nevemind trying to decode that little phrase -- clearly kids who witness some heathen bartender flaming an orange peel are as liable to mental breakdown as any Iranian lad getting a glimpse of a passing female's accidentally uncovered ankle. The Devil, you know, is in the details.
If the law passes it would require restaurants to remodel their layout so the bar is effectively screened off from the dining room. Now I ask you, aren't you freaking grateful you weren't born in Utah?
Waddoups adds that these semi-Draconian, post-Prohibition prohibitions are necessary because children's brains are undeveloped; thus they're more suceptible to alchohol damage. Seems like the kids aren't the only ones with the undeveloped brains here. On the other hand, if I hadn't watched my parents mix martinis from the time I was first able to burble out the phrase "twist, no olive" maybe I wouldn't be the unrepentant lush I am today. Go figure.