Well, it's less a review than a fully-formed script for a Saturday Night Live episode in which a food critic asks the bowling shirt-attired television personality...why? Just why?
Never have I sympathized with anyone at their utter confusion and disappointment (or laughed so hard I snorted) than with Pete Wells. Maybe Cindy Lou Who when the Grinch stole her Christmas out from under her and her fellow Whos -- but never a real person.
In this review, which begs to be read aloud by Christopher Walken or William Shatner on some insanely viral YouTube video, Wells channels the infamous Clint Eastwood moment at the Republican National Convention and simply asks questions to an invisible Guy Fieri:
- What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy's Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy's, in any meaningful sense?
- Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?
- How did Louisiana's blackened, Cajun-spiced treatment turn into the ghostly nubs of unblackened, unspiced white meat in your Cajun Chicken Alfredo?
- Is this how you roll in Flavor Town? When we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about?
Though the reviewer give us a clear message about how unsavory the food is, the restaurant is sure to be a hit with tourists who think of Times Square as the only part of New York City worthy of their time, skipping over smaller neighborhoods and the outer boroughs completely -- just like people who think Lincoln Road is all that a Miami vacation has to offer.
These visitors with tunnel vision will simply find Guy's American Bar & Grill as a charming addition to the area's other fine establishments like Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, T.G.I. Friday's, Hard Rock Cafe, Hershey's Chocolate Store, Dave & Busters, and a McDonald's that has a live pianist playing New York, New York continuously. All within a stone's throw of some of the world's best restaurants -- both grand and budget-friendly.
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While the review is hilarious, it seems like Guy Fieri is destined to have the last laugh.