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Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

Both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are ready.

The two have been giving their visions for what the country will look like if they take 270 or more of the total 538 votes in the Electoral College.

If Republicans take back the White House, here's a list of what might be served at celebration parties -- and in red households for the next four years.

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

10. Mayonnaise The ubiquitous culinary symbol of white America has been shmeared on ham and bologna sandwiches for more than a century. It is said to have originated in Spain and been popularized by the French, but nowhere does it clog more arteries than Republican America. Yet mayo could also be a play to garner support form American community. "Growed up eatin' Spam sandwiches, sugar water, and mayonnaise sandwich," go the lyrics of the 305-born rapper Trick Daddy's "In da Wind." Could Republicans be trying to relate to voters through saturated fats?

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

9. Pirate's Booty It tastes like little more than cardboard covered with chemically synthesized white cheddar cheese. We're sure former Idaho Senator Larry Craig kept a bag in his desk at all times.

 

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

8. Cottage Cheese Low in fat, low in calories, high in protein and calcium. Republican candidates are said to give away tasting cups of cottage cheese to elderly voters inflicted with osteoporosis.

Sort of excited about this one.
Sort of excited about this one.

7. Country Ham One of the few things we enjoy that is truly America, sort of like Jazz. Country hams are hogs' legs salt-cured, sometimes with pink nitrate salts, then smoked for a period of either months or years. This curing technique is popular south of the Mason-Dixon line, where being seen eating thinly prosciutto or jamon iberico could earn you a label as a socialist European.

 

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

6. Tacos Republicans are big fans of Mexican food. On a trip to San Angelo, Texas, about three years ago I found myself in the most delicious Mexican restaurant, filled with nothing but cowboy hats. The food can stay. The Mexicans, however, they've got to go.

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

5. Ma Po Tofu This is a popular Sichuan dish is sold on the streets throughout Beijing. Republicans are hard at work devising a way to bastardize the much-loved dish striking an unprecedented gastrointestinal blow to the heart of mainland China. There are many variations, however, it generally contains cubed tofu in a spicy, numbing sauce with fermented black beans served with either beef or pork. China and the U.S. continually lock horns in trade disputes and Republicans see the fast growing country as a threat to America's worldwide dominance.

 

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

4. Bran Muffins Ever tried making No. 2 after eating a bran muffin? Watch C-SPAN for 45 minutes with an ongoing Republican filibuster; same strain, less reward.

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

3. Scones They're dry, they're flavorless, they're served at tea parties.

 

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

2. Corn Corn comes from states that border neither the Atlantic nor Pacific Oceans. In election coverage the country usually breaks down the same way. Blue on the coasts, red on the interior. Republicans railed against public spending but seemed to have little problem with the three-decade long, multibillion-dollar-corn ethanol subsidy that was allowed to expire earlier this year.

Here's What to Eat if Mitt Wins

1. Assorted Nuts High in protein and healthy fats, nuts really are a super food. Plus, Republicans say they make great ammunition for hurling at minority members of the media who take an opposing stance. Free speech!

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