Father's Day is this Sunday, and it's an obligatory holiday. One exception: If you're a fetus whose dad has dubbed himself "Yeezus," you have our permission to ignore the holiday from now until forever.
But for the rest of us, it's time to start the mad scramble for a last-minute gift. This isn't like Mother's Day -- cheap carnations and a brunch buffet aren't gonna wow padre. So we put together a list of the best swag to get your pops, based on his defining characteristics.
Hipsters might seem like a newer breed, but the originals date all the way back to pre-Bob Ross. (The proof is in the Tumblr.) So if your dad is still rocking nerdy glasses, an unruly beard, and tattered plaid shirts -- just like he was 20 years ago -- he deserves a shout-out. Gift him with a modern twist on a hipster fave -- Copperpot's sriracha. He's probably been dousing his food with the original for decades, so clue him in to the new, slightly sweet concoction by our local jam gurus.
Despite sporting male pattern baldness that rivals Dick Cheney's, your dad still thinks he's Don Draper -- bless his geriatric heart. And somehow his milkshake still brings the chicks to the yard (probably because of all the disposable income he's got buried there). So what to get the man who loves women? The New InterCourses, an Aphrodisiac Cookbook. That way, he'll have a handy seduction manual available anytime he brings his yoga instructor home for a little, ahem, dessert.
If the best gift your dad ever gave you was a lesson in how to grift your grandma, he might be a deadbeat. And if he's still living in his parents' basement and collecting disability from that sprained finger he suffered working at Burger King 20 years ago, he could probably use some steady eats that aren't Top Ramen. Present him with a Walmart Goodies service. Basically, it's a junk-food CSA, perfect for the low-rent eater. And if he gets really hard up, he can always hock the monthly membership at the laundromat.
Realistically, most dads probably fall into this category. How else do think your pop survived your Bieber-esque adolescent rebellions or the poop-throwing monkey stage you went through as a toddler? If your dad is into the hard stuff, give him a bottle of Brugal Rum 1888. It's a sugarcane concoction, so it provides that Miami-esque tropical twist, but it's built for whiskey drinkers. And booze is always a good choice.
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Your dad still thinks fart jokes are funny, is more into Family Guy than you are, and constantly forwards you porn Vines. Forget the fact that he's pushing 70. He thinks he's 19 -- and acts it. And while it embarrasses the hell out of you when he sends mass Snapchats of himself doing a beer bong, at least he's not living in your spare bedroom and banging on the ceiling with a cane. Score him a toilet mug. It's crude, juvenile, and totally disgusting. He'll love it.
Follow Hannah on Twitter @hannahalexs.