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Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Run, bunny, run!
Run, bunny, run!
All photos by Laine Doss

We're not sure exactly when Easter became the day to chomp the heads off innocent chocolate creatures of the forest, but that's what this holiday has evolved into. A recent trip to a megastore's candy aisle yielded a host of cringe-inducing products. Another Easter tradition is to hunt for treats, so let's hope we forget our contact lenses the big day.

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Get it? They're not Easter bunnies -- they're Reester Bunnies! Ha, ha! Isn't that funny? That's what we call a "play on words" in marketing terms. I'm sorry... Did you say I was fired?

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Do I look like Peter F**ckin' Rabbit to you, motherf**ker?

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Ummm, rainbow-flavored grass. Stoner food disguised as kiddie treats.

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Nothing says "yummy" more than farm animals crapping for your eating enjoyment.

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Pssst. Hey, Timmy. So Mommy and Daddy are getting a divorce. Buck up and eat your Easter candy, you whiner!

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

The perfect bunny for little bullies. Even easier than pulling the wings off flies.

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

What sick, twisted PETA-loving, tree-hugging, hippy-dippy freak of a parent would give their child chocolate carrots for Easter?

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

This bunny is all for having a good time, but where will he be when you're all alone and afraid of the boogeyman? Probably partying on South Beach, while you're afraid of the dark. Why? Because he's hollow!

Candy We Don't Want to Find Easter Morning

Note to Swedish Fish: Steve Martin already did the bunny ears back in the '70s.

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