Zydrunas Ilgauskas

  • Blogs

    June 21, 2012

    29 Ways for Miami to Celebrate If the Heat Clinch the Title Tonight

    If the Heat wins tonight, it will be a citywide fist punch to the fart box of all the haters around the world. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook can go back to wearing their lensless glasses in the obscurity of Oklahoma City. And Charles Barkley can quietly choke on his stupid diet meals.Miami can' ... More >>

  • News

    April 12, 2012
  • Blogs

    April 9, 2012

    Gus Garcia-Roberts For Surfside Commission: Mock Naval Battles, Pedestrian Taxes and My Full Platform

    I done did it now. Two weeks ago, I announced in this space that I was planning to run for the open commission seat in Surfside, the sleepy beach hamlet of corruption and weirdness ruled by my obscenely overpaid nemesis, town attorney Lynn Dannheisser. Qualifying to run -- including collecting the ... More >>

  • News

    February 16, 2012
  • Blogs

    February 13, 2012

    Are Wacky Waving Arm Inflatable Tube Men Putting Human Sign-Spinners Out Of Work?

    ​This postapocalyptic job market has turned working men into the wolves from The Grey. Go near our employment, and we'll devour your testicles while our buddy claws out your eyeballs. So we can't imagine what it's like to lose a hard-earned job to a garishly colored, thrashing, two-story, fan-powe ... More >>

  • News

    December 22, 2011

    Miami's top news stories of 2011

    Dude, where's my city? Miami wakes up with a pounding headache.

  • Blogs

    July 6, 2011

    Miami Heat Players Get Part-Time Jobs During Lockout

    Coach Erik Spolestra: "Will lose championships for food."​With the player lockout putting the 2011-2012 NBA season into question, it's only a matter of time before the league's poor, mistreated multi-millionaires are forced to pick up second jobs for rent money, car payments and general "make it r ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 13, 2011

    Miami Heat vs. Dallas Mavericks NBA Finals Game 6: Kaput

    ​After winning Game six 105-95, the Dallas Mavericks are NBA champions. Meanwhile, the Miami Heat are left with a shitload of questions, LeBron James will continue to be haunted by his Finals failure, and Heat fans everywhere are walking around feeling like their favorite uncle just placed his wie ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 12, 2011

    LeBron James' Clutch Balls

    ​LeBron James has taken a lot of shit this year. Mainly because he decided to exercise his perfectly legal right to join another team through free agency. SO EVIL! And then he went and celebrated his signing with the Heat in front of the local fans with a fire works show. SO IMPERIOUS!He's also ha ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 25, 2011

    Heat Playoffs: Heat Fail to Sweep 76ers

    ​The Miami Heat shot 39 percent from the floor, went 5-for-23 from the three-point line, got only 16 total points from their bench, zero points from their starting point guard, and 1 point from their starting center.But all everyone is going to remember from their 86-82 Game 4 loss to the Philadel ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 22, 2011

    Heat Playoffs: Late-Game Rally Gives Miami 3-0 Edge

    ​The Philadelphia 76ers jumped to an early lead, keeping the Miami Heat at bay for much of Game 3.And then the Heat said enough of that already and rallied their way to a 100-94 comeback win to take a commanding 3-0 series lead.The Heat should know that, although we fans like it when they win, we' ... More >>

  • Blogs

    March 4, 2011

    Zydrunas Ilgauskas Wants to Make Carmelo Anthony His Tenant

    "Oof! You like granite countertops, CP3?"​Big Z demands that you pay him two months in advance if you want to come into his house. That's not some strangled And 1 axiom. Zydrunas Ilgauskas-- the 7-foot-3 totem pole at the end of the Miami Heat bench-- has a beautiful townhouse he wants to re ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 27, 2011

    Cold Fourth Quarter Sinks Heat

    ​Dwyane Wade's magic goggles seemed to run out of awesome juice in the fourth quarter of Thursday night's 93-88 loss to the New York Knicks.Because after Wade started the game hitting pretty much every shot he threw up (except his free throws... hit those goddamn free throws, D-Wade!!), he missed ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 19, 2011

    Miami Heat Fall to Atlanta in OT, Suffer Fourth-Straight Loss

    ​And Karmapocalypse 2011 continues.While LeBron James was all healed up from his ankle injury and back on the court, it was Chris Bosh who was forced to sit out with a bum ankle. So we all got a glimpse into a Miami Heat team sans Bosh. And the result was a 93-89 loss at home to the Atlanta Hawks ... More >>

  • Blogs

    January 13, 2011

    Clippers Snap Miami Heat's Winning Streak

    ​In 1989, the Miami Heat snapped it's 17-game losing streak by defeating the L.A. Clippers, and earning the franchise its first ever win. Last night, the Clippers snapped the Heat's 13-consecutive road wins streak, beating the Heat 111 - 105 at the Staples Center. Synergy? Coincidence? Or..... KAR ... More >>

  • News

    December 30, 2010
  • Blogs

    December 9, 2010

    Heat Take Down Jazz, Extend Win-Streak to Six

    ​The Miami Heat overcame a raucous Salt Lake City crowd and a few relentless Utah Jazz rallies and came away with the 111-98 victory against the vaunted Jazz last night. It was the team's sixth straight victory after their much ballyhooed loss to the Dallas Mavericks three weeks ago when LeBr ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 11, 2010

    Mayor Carlos Alvarez Pens Love Letter to the Heat for ESPN

    ​If you're the Mayor of Miami-Dade County and you're facing a well-funded recall effort, how do you drum up some good will? With all eyes on the Miami Heat, writing an open love letter to the 305 dream team for isn't a bad idea. That's what Carlos Alvarez has done.

  • Blogs

    September 29, 2010

    Who Will Be the First Reporter to Ask LeBron About His Mom and Delonte West?

    Let's face it: The world wants to know if LeBron James' former teammate Delonte West boinked LeBron's mom. Even if you didn't want to know it before you read the previous sentence, now that you're aware it's a possibility, some dirty, hidden part of you-- your spleen?-- wants to know. This week, th ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 11, 2010

    Five Miami Heat Reality Shows That Need to Be Made

    ​We here at Riptide like the sordid side of things. And while we're hoping that, come the end of the 2010-11 NBA season, Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh are lobbing a championship trophy to each other as they ride dolphins through Biscayne Bay, we're also hoping for a bit of off-the- ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 21, 2010

    Miami Heat Lands the Prized Free Agent of 1996

    ​Even after 14 long years, Pat Riley is a man who gets what he wants. Why? Because he's Pat Frickin' Riley, that's why. The Miami Heat signed free agent forward Juwan Howard yesterday to the veteran's minimum of $1.4 million. Back in 1996, and with much fanfare, Howard signed a $101 million deal ... More >>