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EDM's Five Most Annoying Buzzwords

Whether you like it or not, dance music runs the world and therefore the cultural lexicon. We're going to go ahead and say that's a bad thing. Our hashtag-driven, buzz-worthy reality is giving us a headache, mostly because you dancing assholes can't stop saying the same shit over and over again. Y ... More >>

Edible Flowers Made Easy According to Gabriele Marewski of Paradise Farms

When it comes to cuisine, aesthetic appeal is half (or 1/4 of) the battle, just ask the Iron Chefs. And what's more aesthetically appealing than a delicate flower? Luckily, there are plenty of beautiful blossoms you can actually eat. Gabriele Marewski of Paradise Farms is the local expert on edible ... More >>

The Five Things We Hate About Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa) Dinner

As a general rule, we're big fans of the holidays. Why? Because they involve eating gut-busting quantities of homemade food, scoring paid time off from work and drinking what would generally be unacceptable amounts of booze. But let's be honest - there are certain things about the holiday season t ... More >>

Best Foods to Sneak Into the Movie Theater on Christmas Day

In America, going to the movies on Christmas day is a tradition right up there with hanging stockings, drunken family fights and tryptophan comas. After all, what else is there to do when the inevitable post-presents boredom sets in? This year, the pickings are particularly alluring, with Les Miser ... More >>

Epcot's Alcohol: Drinking Around at the Booze Counters & Carts

If you're over 21 and without offspring, Epcot is the ideal Disney destination. After all, their 11 international pavilions feature alcoholic treats from the countries of origin. From Jagermeister to champagne, you can get your buzz on all over the world. Read also: - Disney Treats Make You Fat, Sa ... More >>

Art Basel Survival Kit: Red Bull and a 20-Year-Old Costume

The week you've been waiting for all year has finally arrived. Art Basel has hit our sandy shores, and there's no stopping till the sun goes down Sunday. As when you go into any good battle (or party) you need to go prepared. So we've put together a list of the essentials you need to pack in your A ... More >>

Grilling With Beer: Spare Ribs, Brats, and Braised Red Cabbage

Happy Memorial Day, Miami. If there's sun -- and the forecast calls for an end to this damn rain -- you will want to grill out with an ice-cold beer in hand. But when you're sipping on that brewski while the blazing-hot charcoals reach proper temperature, consider using beer as an ingredient for you ... More >>

South Beach Tow Renewed for Second Season for Some Awful Reason

South Beach Tow must be one of those shows that is so unbelievably stupid that the only reason people watch it is because they mindlessly stare at their own television screen wondering how crap like this is actually broadcast before falling into a deep depression while mulling ov ... More >>

Florida Panthers in the Playoffs: A Native's Guide to Hockey

Panthers in the Playoffs: A Florida Native's Made-Up Guide to Hockey Terms

Did you guys hear the Florida Panthers are in the Stanley Cup Playoffs? You guys heard of the Florida Panthers? You guys even heard of hockey?No? Well, great, this guide is for you. Being native Floridians we're glad that our team has finally broken their playoff slump. We'd like to send them positi ... More >>

Hialeah Hospital Doc Sued for Allegedly Holding Adopted Baby Hostage

photo by ernstl via Wikimedia CommonsIt sounds like a tale adoptive parents tell around a campfire to scare each other sleepless: A doctor, distraught over his failed marriage and custody fight, holds a baby hostage until the would-be new parents promise to return the kid to its birth mother.Yet tha ... More >>

Eight Reasons Why Florida is a Real-Life Horror Movie

photo by Logan FazioLincoln Road zombie walks got nothin' on real life in Florida.Time for a little Halloween honesty: Florida is terrifying. Serial killers Ted Bundy and Gary Ray Bowles have stalked our towns. Prehistoric, sharp-fanged creatures circle our swamps and oceans, hungry for blood. Real- ... More >>

Miami is Biblically F*@ked: Caribbean Crazy Ants, Dragon Flies, and Seven Other SoFla Plagues

​In the beginning was the swamp. Then God said, "Let there be Miami." And there was. Then he said, "Gimme some beaches with bikini-clad models while I'm at it." And there was that too. All was good.But sometime during the past century, we Miamians went way wrong. Maybe it was the coke or boob impl ... More >>

New York City Cop Shot On South Beach, Police Still Looking For Suspects

photo by chensiyuan via Wikimedia Commons​An off-duty New York City police officer was shot on South Beach outside a ritzy beach resort early this morning, police say. Miami Beach detectives have shut down Collins Avenue between 12th and 13th Streets today while they search for whomever shot the o ... More >>

Here Are the 13 Libraries Carlos Gimenez Wants to Close

Wikimedia Commons user Tony HudsonNo books for you!​Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez yesterday proposed cutting the county's operating budget by $350 million. That includes whacking the library system's $50 million budget to $24.5 million.It seems 13 libraries will be shut down.Riptide co ... More >>

Mezcal Drink Recipes for Cinco de Mayo

An apple a day keeps the French away​In celebration of the upcoming Cinco de Mayo holiday, we're giving you a full five days of recipes you can either enjoy locally or make at home and some basic information on Mexican foods and traditions you can use to wow your friends or future prey.Let's start ... More >>

Seven Pretty, Evil, and Homicidal Easter Eggs

via evris28This egg is disgusted by your decorating skills.​Oh, you thought your children were so talented because they affixed a bunch of stickers to a hard-boiled egg and it looks cuter than a baby bunny sliding down a rainbow atop a unicorn? Well, we hate to inform you, but your child is a simp ... More >>

Jennifer Lopez on the New Times Dirty Dozen Countdown

Miami ain't clean, but these people are downright dirty​Each year, New Times puts together a list of the sketchiest politicians and unholiest celebrities and weirdest human beings to call the Magic City home. Last year, we had prostitute-punching TV salesman Vince Shlomi and indicted ex-city commi ... More >>

Two Florida Firemen Resign Over Tea-bagging (The Real Deal, Not the Marco Rubio Kind)

photo by Tomasz Sienicki via Wikimedia Commons​In a story sure to outrage the Marco Rubio camp on the eve of the midterms, two Florida firefighters have resigned after an investigation into their tea-bagging while on duty. What kind of upside-down nation are we living in where two public servants ... More >>

Letters from the issue of May 27, 2010

Watch the Freaknik: The Musical Trailer Featuring Lil Wayne, Rick Ross, T-Pain and Snoop Dogg

We have no clue​T-Pain's Freaknik: The Musical is exactly the sort of amalgamation of talent and weirdness that the late-night, cartoon-watching, Doritos-eating demographic lives for, but how it plays out is a mystery. "It is based on Freaknik, a once popular annual festival in Atlanta, Georgia," ... More >>

A Cameroon Hand Drum's Details

Jacob Katel​Cameroon is a country partially on the West coast of Africa that is bordered by Nigeria. The name of the country originates from the portugese Rio dos Camarões, which sailors, for its abundance of prawns and crayfish, called the Wouri River when they sailed into it in 1472.According t ... More >>

Musicians Demand Classified Gitmo Memos On How Their Tunes Were Used As Torture

Of all the outrages perpetrated at Guantanamo Bay -- which New Times explored in depth earlier this year on our visit to the prison camp in southern Cuba -- one of the strangest has to be the military's music-based "futility technique."via Wikimedia Commons​In case you've succeeded in washing the ... More >>

Silicon Beach: Pepsi iPhone App for Dumb-Asses with No Social Skills

Image via The Globe and Mail​Why do some women have their panties all in a twist about Pepsi's branded iPhone application, Before You Score, which was launched recently as part of a promotional campaign for AMP Energy drink? On the surface, the application seems to objectify women as naive creatu ... More >>

Scientists Worried Everglades Pythons Could Morph into Hybrid Man-Eating Monsters

Last week, I wrote about a coalition of scientists trying to stop the next dangerous exotic invader from taking over the Everglades. via Wikimedia CommonsAt this point, it's probably just best to run and scream.​Dennis Giardina, a botanist who co-chairs the group, took me on a hunt for nile monito ... More >>

WSJ: Fontainebleau on the Verge of Defaulting On Huge Loan

It's been a tough summer for Miami Beach's most iconic hotel. via Wikimedia Commons ​The global Arma-recession has grounded flocks of would-be vacationers at home in Hamburg and Milwaukee and Bogota. A massive storm collapsed the roof at LIV. And Ben Novack Jr., heir ... More >>

Marlins Season Gets Uggla as Clubhouse Fight Breaks Out

You have to give the Fish some serious credit this year. via Wikimedia Commons Hanley ANGRY!​For the 87th consecutive season, they rank last in the bigs in team salary. But somehow they've stayed in the Wild Card hunt.  (Quick fun comparison sure to add to the New York Mets ... More >>

Which Florida Celebrities Will Get a Piece of the Dolphins Next?

In case you missed it, Dolphins owner Stephen Ross made it official this morning: The Fins are indeed waging the biggest celebrity love-fest in South Florida this side of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami.via Wikimedia CommonsAre you ready for some mustache?​The Dolphins have lost 20 percent o ... More >>

Top Ten Hurricane Foods You Need When The Storm Hits

via Wikimedia CommonsHurricane Andrew bout to fuck shit up.​Back in 92' I spent the duration of Hurricane Andrew laying on a blanket in a hallway with the family dog Harry and a skateboard Pro Tec helmet on my head. I was 10. Three weeks later when South Miami got power back our fridge stopped bei ... More >>

Lobsternomics 101: The Lobster Economy From A Seafood Market Perspective

via Wikimedia CommonsFlorida Spiny Lobster - Panulirus Argus​ Lobsternomics 101 is a Short Order series delving into lobster economics via voices from the local lobster community. Not the lobsters themselves, but the people who catch, sell, and buy them.Today we introduce you to Steven Torres of C ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Continue Their Celebrity Love-Fest with Britto, T-Pain, Versace, and Ocean Drive Mag

Remember those good ol' days when the Miami Dolphins just played football? When Shula, Marino, and Csonka were the names that first came to mind when you imagined the teal and orange -- not Buffett, Estefan, and Anthony?via Wikimedia CommonsThis cat is much more interesting than a Joey Por ... More >>

A New Black Market in Miami Is About to Explode

Jeopardy! time. This black-market product costs governments worldwide $50 billion every year; fuels Hezbollah, the PKK, and other terrorist cells; and runs on global crime syndicates and hundreds of underground factories in China and Eastern Europe.via Wikimedia CommonsWhat is heroin, you say? Cocai ... More >>

WSJ Says the Marlins Are One Of the Dumbest Teams in Baseball

You already know the Marlins aren't so hot at this whole baseball-playin' gig. Last night, they went 0 for 15 with runners in scoring position and tanked another game at Fenway Park.via Wikimedia CommonsOh, Hanley. What would Ben Stein say?But even as they sink into the depths of the NL East, the Fi ... More >>

Give Thanks -- You Almost Got Stuck Rooting for the Florida Flamingos

All team names are far from created equal. Some basic math: Celtics > Raptors; Red Sox > Devil Rays; Colts > Texans; and everyone on a field, rink, or pitch outside of Anaheim laughed their asses off at the Mighty Ducks until they wised up and lost the Disney adjective a few years ago.via Wikimedia ... More >>

Tragic: Crash Kills Hispanic Activist Outside Freedom Center After Awards Ceremony

Last Thursday, a gray Toyota Tundra was driving west on NE 6th Street next to the Freedom Tower when it slammed full-speed into a southbound, red Honda CRV on Biscayne Boulevard.via Wikimedia CommonsThe truck spun out and skidded onto the sidewalk in front of the Freedom Center. Two women stood in i ... More >>

Top Ten Ways To Celebrate National Hamburger Month

Jacob KatelBig pussy hungry for meat at Kingdom on BiscayneMay is officially National Hamburger Month, official in the sense that it was enacted as a vast marketing scheme by either White Castle or Krystal depending on whom you ask. We here at Short Order support fast food America, capitalism, and f ... More >>

Turns Out U.S. Interrogators Went Waterboard Crazy in Gitmo

When we toured and wrote about Guantánamo Bay a couple of months ago, the military had already tossed out any pretense that waterboarding and other torture techniques had been used on inmates. But no one really knew how often the military and the CIA decided to violate the Geneva Conventions and hu ... More >>

J.Lo Contemplates Brickell Abode

via Wikimedia CommonsWe are not sure that many A-list celebrities actually know that anything in Miami exists behind the sunny shores of South Beach and Star Island. Sure, they fly into the airport, but then they're chauffeured in limos with tinted windows until they safely arrive in the drive way o ... More >>

FIU Reportedly Hires Worst Coach/GM/Human Being in NBA History. Welcome to Miami, Isiah!

So, Florida International University canned its basketball coach yesterday after a 13-20 campaign, reportedly so the school can replace him later today with a man more hated in New York City than the Red Sox and Patriots combined: the one, the only... dramatic pause... Isiah Thomas! via Wikime ... More >>

Dolphin Stadium In Contention To Host Games in 2018 or 2022 World Cup

Last week US Soccer begin the early stages of its quest to host either the 2018 or 2022 World Cup. Eight other countries and two coalitions of countries have registered their intentions to bid, but in a country as large as America within the international competition is the competition amongst diffe ... More >>

During WMC The Techno Stops For No One, Not Even Paris Hilton

via Wikimedia CommonsHey, have you heard there's this music event in town, with all these DJs who take dance and electronic music pretty seriously? It's probably one of the biggest weeks in the year for their industry, and it would really be best if you don't go up to them and ask them to play some ... More >>

Father Hoes Best

Wikimedia CommonsThe Sony Ericsson Open begins tomorrow on Key Biscayne, and that means the tennis world's most notorious one-man circus is coming to town. Forget the athletes; we're following Richard Williams, dad of the top-seeded sisters and Palm Beach Gardens residents Serena and Venus. Richard' ... More >>

Arizona, The Worst NCAA Tourney Bid Ever, Headed To Miami

They didn't win 20 games. They finished .500 in a mediocre conference. Their best player is a goofy looking white guy. They lost five of their last six games of the season. Courtesy Wikimedia CommonsYet somehow the geniuses running the NCAA selection committee added up these facts and de ... More >>

Desperate soccer team threatens suicide unless Miamians buy tickets

Wikimedia CommonsAn artist's rendering of Miami FC management.There's something definitely extortive about the latest press release from Miami FC, the under-attended and gravely endangered second-tier pro soccer team that allegedly plays at Tropical Park Stadium. The club is under the gun from the ... More >>

The Case of the Unlawfully Delicious Pony

Wikimedia CommonsPass the salt!In these tough economic times, Miamians find themselves cutting new corners to make ends meet. As unemployed 39-year old Hialeah resident Ricardo Caonwahi tells us, that can sometimes mean making a meal out of a pony. Yes, a miniature horse.Caonwahi is being charged wi ... More >>

Bill Clinton Makes Second Fund Raiser Appearance For Meek

Kendrick Meek has one thing no one else in the 2010 Senate fray have - a big fan in former President Bill Clinton. After appearing at a fundraiser for Meek in late January, Clinton made his second pitch for Meek this morning in Jacksonville. With another close ally in Nancy Pelosi, and a veteran of ... More >>

Miami's MLS Bid Is Dead, Blame It On Beckham

via Wikimedia CommonsThe only elongated yelp wannabe soccer announcers in Miami will be proclaiming anytime soon is, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!" As in no "gooooooooool!"  Major League Soccer, FC Barcelona, and Marcelo Claure jointly announced today that a plan to bring an expansion team to Miami ... More >>

Fantasy 2010 Dem Lineup

The folks at Fla Politics, the site that proudly boasts it's the only Florida blog on the Daily Kos blogroll, have come up with their dream Democratic candidates they'd like to see comically lose run for statewide office in 2010. We think if the state Democrats pull it together, they could make a de ... More >>

Hookahs and Hose

Escape reality at the DiLido Beach Club’s happy hour.

Burn One Down

Celebrate 4/20 with a few of your closest buds.