Tom Brady

Dolphins on Path to Winless Season

Dear Cleo, So Long and Thanks For All The Suck

Breaking News - The Tuna Fires Cam Cameron

Source: Dolphins Intrigued by Matt Ryan

The Right Arm of God Crushes King Douche Into Fine Powder

Jason Taylor What? Excuse Me While I Blow My Brains Out

The Dolphins Would Like to Invite the Naysayers to Eat a Dick Sandwich

One Of These Things Looks Like The Other

Weekend Football: Hold On

Dolphins Are Now Balls Deep in the Hunt

The Dolphins' Ass-Kicking Prowess Has Gone International

Holy sugartits is this a magical time to be a Dolphins fan! They're just displaying all kinds of dexterity in the ass-kicking department, as they did yesterday when they flew into Canada's Rogers Centre and delivered a beatdown to the rival Buffalo Bills. The Fins defeated Buffalo 16-3 in front of ... More >>

Well, There's Always Next Season

With news today that Bill Parcells will stay with the Dolphins, it seems a good bet that the heart of the resurgent Miami Dolphins will stay put for next season. Yeah, yesterday's game was a heartbreaking thing to behold, but after the greatest season-to-season turnaround in NFL history, Dolfans hav ... More >>

It Was Fun While It Lasted: Dolphins Have the Hardest NFL Schedule in 2009

All the naysayers (me included, often) think the Dolphins' roller coaster 2008 season ought to come with a few caveats: "Yeah, yeah, but Tom Brady was out the entire season... Sure, but the Jets had that old guy... Well, the wildcat won't be as effective next year... Whatever, you had an easy schedu ... More >>

A Thanksgiving Ode to Chad Pennington, Our Meh-rino

A mediocre quarterback leads the Dolphins back to mediocrity.

The Bums Have Their Day

Hit the links for some fun fundraising.

Swim for the Win

Hit the links for some fun fundraising.

News Roundup

A county program that helped low-income people pay their utility bills will be shut down because the county was overwhelmed by the amount of applications that came in. [CBS4]Whiney Fidel Castro says America is infecting Cuba with swine flu, but not intentionally. [CBS4]For the 21st time this year, a ... More >>

Food News Roundup: Benihana, Fiji Water, Jamaican Jerk, Michael Jordan, Necker Island, and Cuban Food

Canadian companies attend America's largest food and beverage show, coming soon to Miami Beach. [GovMonitor]Miami-based Benihana restaurants to donate 100% of Fiji Water sales revenue to Best Buddies charity for month of November. [Reuters]8th annual Grace Jamaican Jerk Festival this weekend at Mark ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Preview: One Insufferable Fanbase Down, One To Go

​When last we saw our Miami Dolphins, they were busy beating the bejesus out of the shitdipping trash-talking New York Jets, and silencing their shitdipping trash-talking fans in the process. It was one of the most satisfying wins in recent memory. Jason Taylor was able to talk some trash of his o ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Lose: Hauntingly Familiar

​When Vontae Davis started off the game with a leaping interception that can only be described as Fuck Yea!, the consensus feeling was the Dolphins were going to make this one interesting. Maybe even pull off the upset. Alas, it was not to be. The Patriots were able to show us, once again, that th ... More >>

One if by LandShark, Two if by Sea

​When Vontae Davis started off the game with a leaping interception that can only be described as Fuck Yea!, the consensus feeling was the Dolphins were going to make this one interesting. Maybe even pull off the upset. Alas, it was not to be. The Patriots were able to show us, once again, that th ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Win: Never Say Die!

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

Miami Dolphins' Tony Sparano is a conservative coach who takes huge risks

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

Our Balls Are Oblong

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

Sacked by Fate

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

Sacked by Fate

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

Sacked by Fate

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

Sacked by Fate

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Pre-season: A Sloppy Win

​There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>

Patriot Massacre

​There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>

Gisele Bündchen Comes to Town to Root for Tom Brady's Hair

via JustJared​Normally, thanks to their semi-ridiculous effort to enlist B-listers as co-owners the Miami Dolphins have the biggest star power in their rooting section. That's not true when the New England Patriots come to town and Tom Brady brings his wifey Gisele Bundchen. The Brazilian sup ... More >>

Dolphins Host the Patriots Tonight: Keys To Victory

Last week, it was against the Jets on Sunday Night Football. Tonight, it's the Patriots on Monday Night Football. That's two straight weeks the Dolphins face an AFC East rival in the national spotlight. Also, it's two straight weeks they face a team with an insufferable fanbase. So tonight is a must ... More >>

Live Blog: Heat vs. Celtics

​Have no one to watch tonight's Heat-Celtics NBA season debut with? You do have someone to watch it with but they don't provide the same award-winning rapier wit-like banter you find here on your friendly neighborhood Miami New Times blog?Well have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics ... More >>

Top Ten Sports Cheaters of All Time: From Steroid-Pumpers to Ball-Grabbers

Soccer player Vinnie Jones executing a clever "ball tackle"​For more than a week, Riptide has brought you the shady plays that have turned Krop High School into a basketball powerhouse: recruiting players, inventing addresses, changing official records, and -- of course -- threatening journalists. ... More >>

NFL Players Should Send The Greedy Owners To Hell

​Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times.This week, Luke advises professional football players to form their own league.When Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson likened ... More >>

NFL players should form their own teams

​Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times.This week, Luke advises professional football players to form their own league.When Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson likened ... More >>

LeBron James Plummets on Most Influential Athletes List

​Every year, Forbes slaps together a list of America's most influential athletes, and LeBron James was riding high at number two last year. Of course, some sort of "decision" happened in the meantime, and King James has seen his rankings fall. He's still in the top ten, but barely. Granted, a cham ... More >>

Chad Henne Is the Worst-Ranked Starting QB in the NFL

​Lest you think Miami Dolphins fans were being overdramatic in their disappointment that the team couldn't get a starting quarterback better than Chad Henne, we now have cold, hard rankings to back our whining. USA Today ranked all 32 teams' starting quarterbacks, and Henne came in 31st out of 32. ... More >>

Tom Brady Is the New Ugg Boots for Men Spokesman, Which at Least Gives Dolphins a Moral Victory

​As Miami Dolphins fans, our gut reaction to Tom Brady is "ugh," so we guess it's only fitting he's the new poster boy for Ugg for Men boots. Yes, Uggs, those horribly ugly sheepskin affronts to footwear decency favored by circa 2005 UM sorority girls (paired with miniskirts, naturally) and middle ... More >>

Just When Chad Henne Finally Gets His Shit Together, the Fins D Gets Reamed

TAWMMY BRADY IS FACKIN' GAWD!! LET'S GO SAWX!!​All the talk before this season began was how Chad Henne and the Miami Dolphins offense was just a massive pile of deer shit. But when Henne started things off last night's season opener against the New England Patriots by leading the Fins on a 12-pla ... More >>

Ready for Some Fraudball?

TAWMMY BRADY IS FACKIN' GAWD!! LET'S GO SAWX!!​All the talk before this season began was how Chad Henne and the Miami Dolphins offense was just a massive pile of deer shit. But when Henne started things off last night's season opener against the New England Patriots by leading the Fins on a 12-pla ... More >>

Brady, Belichick Two Wins Away from Breaking Marino and Shula's Wins Record

​After 27 years, Dan Marino's record for most yards in a single season is expected to be overtaken. Even Marino admits as much. But another Marino record will almost surely be broken this year.With 116 wins together with the Dolphins, Marino and Don Shula hold he NFL record for most wins by a QB a ... More >>

Dolphins Apparently Still Think They Have a Chance at the Playoffs

Most Dolphin fans are still in "Suck for Luck" mode, but with two straight wins under their belt, some members of the team apparently still have playoff hopes alive. Which isn't exactly impossible, just largely improbable. Then again, with a 2-7 record they are only 5 games behind the leaders in the ... More >>

Don Shula Says Packers Can Match '72 Dolphins' Perfect Season

​The members of the '72 Miami Dolphins haven't gotten a chance yet to pop champagne, as the Green Bay Packers have remained undefeated with little signs of slowing down. Could Perfectville soon have a population of two?These are dark days in Dolphinland, as they have been for much of the past deca ... More >>

Tony Sparano Fired; Defensive Backs Coach Todd Bowles Named Interim Coach

​Rumors were spiraling this morning that Tony Sparano's fate was sealed as head coach with the Miami Dolphins, but the team isn't taking any time to make it official. According to The Miami Herald, the team will officially announce his termination this afternoon. Defensive backs coach Todd Bowles ... More >>

In Jason Taylor's Final Game, Dolphins End Jets' Season

​Jason Taylor played in the final game of his career yesterday. And what better way for him to go out than to bang the New York Jets' season right in its ear hole, and send them back home with nothing. The Jets, needing a win (and a little help) to get into the playoffs, came into SunLife Sta ... More >>

Cam Newton Could Become the Black QB Role Model That Michael Vick Never Had

Alex IzaguirreLuther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Campbell addresses why African-American NFL quarterbacks don't have any heroes to look up to. In baseball, African ... More >>

Black quarterbacks have no role models in the NFL

Alex IzaguirreLuther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Campbell addresses why African-American NFL quarterbacks don't have any heroes to look up to. In baseball, African ... More >>

In Most Obvious Statement Ever, Jeff Ireland Says Dolphins Need a QB Upgrade

​In remarks to the media today, Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland said, "We need a quarterback that can get us over the hump." Though he praised Matt Moore's solid and reliable mediocrity, he said the Dolphins "have to do better."Ireland is clearly a man with a singular vision and deep k ... More >>

Reader mail: Micky Arison would move the Heat if Miami made him repay taxpayers

​In remarks to the media today, Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland said, "We need a quarterback that can get us over the hump." Though he praised Matt Moore's solid and reliable mediocrity, he said the Dolphins "have to do better."Ireland is clearly a man with a singular vision and deep k ... More >>