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Blogs
February 8, 2012
Gisele Bundchen and Eight Other Women Who Stand by Their Men
Can we all stop hating on Gisele Bundchen? The lady has had a pretty stressful week. First she had to watch her husband, Tom Brady, completely choke in his starring role on the most-watched TV show of all time. Then she had to pretend she thought he did a really excellent job. Cameras captured he ... More >>
Blogs
February 6, 2012
Five Things We Learned From Super Bowl XLVI
Did you catch the big game last night, champ? Oh, it was truly one for the ages. There was plenty of action, highs and lows, and surprises around every turn. And that's just the commercials.The Giants-Patriots showdown was more than the mere spectacle of violence and pain we've become accustomed ... More >>
News
January 26, 2012
Reader mail: Micky Arison would move the Heat if Miami made him repay taxpayers
Did you catch the big game last night, champ? Oh, it was truly one for the ages. There was plenty of action, highs and lows, and surprises around every turn. And that's just the commercials.The Giants-Patriots showdown was more than the mere spectacle of violence and pain we've become accustomed ... More >>
Blogs
January 24, 2012
In Most Obvious Statement Ever, Jeff Ireland Says Dolphins Need a QB Upgrade
In remarks to the media today, Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland said, "We need a quarterback that can get us over the hump." Though he praised Matt Moore's solid and reliable mediocrity, he said the Dolphins "have to do better."Ireland is clearly a man with a singular vision and deep k ... More >>
News
January 5, 2012
Black quarterbacks have no role models in the NFL
In remarks to the media today, Miami Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland said, "We need a quarterback that can get us over the hump." Though he praised Matt Moore's solid and reliable mediocrity, he said the Dolphins "have to do better."Ireland is clearly a man with a singular vision and deep k ... More >>
Blogs
January 3, 2012
Cam Newton Could Become the Black QB Role Model That Michael Vick Never Had
Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Campbell addresses why African-American NFL quarterbacks don't have any heroes to look up to. In baseball, African-American play ... More >>
Blogs
January 2, 2012
In Jason Taylor's Final Game, Dolphins End Jets' Season
Jason Taylor played in the final game of his career yesterday. And what better way for him to go out than to bang the New York Jets' season right in its ear hole, and send them back home with nothing. The Jets, needing a win (and a little help) to get into the playoffs, came into SunLife Sta ... More >>
Blogs
November 29, 2011
Don Shula Says Packers Can Match '72 Dolphins' Perfect Season
The members of the '72 Miami Dolphins haven't gotten a chance yet to pop champagne, as the Green Bay Packers have remained undefeated with little signs of slowing down. Could Perfectville soon have a population of two?These are dark days in Dolphinland, as they have been for much of the past deca ... More >>
Blogs
November 16, 2011
Dolphins Apparently Still Think They Have a Chance at the Playoffs
Most Dolphin fans are still in "Suck for Luck" mode, but with two straight wins under their belt, some members of the team apparently still have playoff hopes alive. Which isn't exactly impossible, just largely improbable. Then again, with a 2-7 record they are only 5 games behind the leaders in the ... More >>
Blogs
October 14, 2011
Brady, Belichick Two Wins Away from Breaking Marino and Shula's Wins Record
After 27 years, Dan Marino's record for most yards in a single season is expected to be overtaken. Even Marino admits as much. But another Marino record will almost surely be broken this year.With 116 wins together with the Dolphins, Marino and Don Shula hold he NFL record for most wins by a QB a ... More >>
Blogs
September 13, 2011
Just When Chad Henne Finally Gets His Shit Together, the Fins D Gets Reamed
TAWMMY BRADY IS FACKIN' GAWD!! LET'S GO SAWX!!All the talk before this season began was how Chad Henne and the Miami Dolphins offense was just a massive pile of deer shit. But when Henne started things off last night's season opener against the New England Patriots by leading the Fins on a 12-pla ... More >>
Blogs
September 9, 2011
Tom Brady Is the New Ugg Boots for Men Spokesman, Which at Least Gives Dolphins a Moral Victory
As Miami Dolphins fans, our gut reaction to Tom Brady is "ugh," so we guess it's only fitting he's the new poster boy for Ugg for Men boots. Yes, Uggs, those horribly ugly sheepskin affronts to footwear decency favored by circa 2005 UM sorority girls (paired with miniskirts, naturally) and middle ... More >>
Calendar
September 1, 2011
Ready for Some Fraudball?
As Miami Dolphins fans, our gut reaction to Tom Brady is "ugh," so we guess it's only fitting he's the new poster boy for Ugg for Men boots. Yes, Uggs, those horribly ugly sheepskin affronts to footwear decency favored by circa 2005 UM sorority girls (paired with miniskirts, naturally) and middle ... More >>
Blogs
August 12, 2011
Chad Henne Is the Worst-Ranked Starting QB in the NFL
Lest you think Miami Dolphins fans were being overdramatic in their disappointment that the team couldn't get a starting quarterback better than Chad Henne, we now have cold, hard rankings to back our whining. USA Today ranked all 32 teams' starting quarterbacks, and Henne came in 31st out of 32. ... More >>
Blogs
May 10, 2011
LeBron James Plummets on Most Influential Athletes List
Every year, Forbes slaps together a list of America's most influential athletes, and LeBron James was riding high at number two last year. Of course, some sort of "decision" happened in the meantime, and King James has seen his rankings fall. He's still in the top ten, but barely. Granted, a cham ... More >>
News
March 24, 2011
NFL players should form their own teams
Every year, Forbes slaps together a list of America's most influential athletes, and LeBron James was riding high at number two last year. Of course, some sort of "decision" happened in the meantime, and King James has seen his rankings fall. He's still in the top ten, but barely. Granted, a cham ... More >>
Blogs
March 21, 2011
NFL Players Should Send The Greedy Owners To Hell
Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times.This week, Luke advises professional football players to form their own league.When Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson likened ... More >>
Blogs
October 26, 2010
Live Blog: Heat vs. Celtics
Have no one to watch tonight's Heat-Celtics NBA season debut with? You do have someone to watch it with but they don't provide the same award-winning rapier wit-like banter you find here on your friendly neighborhood Miami New Times blog?Well have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics ... More >>
Blogs
October 4, 2010
Gisele Bündchen Comes to Town to Root for Tom Brady's Hair
via JustJaredNormally, thanks to their semi-ridiculous effort to enlist B-listers as co-owners the Miami Dolphins have the biggest star power in their rooting section. That's not true when the New England Patriots come to town and Tom Brady brings his wifey Gisele Bundchen. The Brazilian sup ... More >>
Blogs
October 4, 2010
Dolphins Host the Patriots Tonight: Keys To Victory
Last week, it was against the Jets on Sunday Night Football. Tonight, it's the Patriots on Monday Night Football. That's two straight weeks the Dolphins face an AFC East rival in the national spotlight. Also, it's two straight weeks they face a team with an insufferable fanbase. So tonight is a must ... More >>
Calendar
September 23, 2010
Patriot Massacre
Last week, it was against the Jets on Sunday Night Football. Tonight, it's the Patriots on Monday Night Football. That's two straight weeks the Dolphins face an AFC East rival in the national spotlight. Also, it's two straight weeks they face a team with an insufferable fanbase. So tonight is a must ... More >>
Blogs
August 16, 2010
Miami Dolphins Pre-season: A Sloppy Win
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>
Calendar
July 8, 2010
Sacked by Fate
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>
Calendar
July 8, 2010
Sacked by Fate
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>
Calendar
July 8, 2010
Sacked by Fate
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>
Calendar
July 8, 2010
Sacked by Fate
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>
Calendar
January 21, 2010
Our Balls Are Oblong
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>
News
December 17, 2009
Miami Dolphins' Tony Sparano is a conservative coach who takes huge risks
There are several things we can glean from the Dolphins 10-7 pre-season win over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers this past Saturday: Pat White is probably done, the Marlins infield is where football goes to die and Dolphins fans remain pretty irrational after just one meaningless game. What's that? Bran ... More >>
Blogs
December 7, 2009
Miami Dolphins Win: Never Say Die!
Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>
Calendar
December 3, 2009
One if by LandShark, Two if by Sea
Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>
Blogs
November 9, 2009
Miami Dolphins Lose: Hauntingly Familiar
When Vontae Davis started off the game with a leaping interception that can only be described as Fuck Yea!, the consensus feeling was the Dolphins were going to make this one interesting. Maybe even pull off the upset. Alas, it was not to be. The Patriots were able to show us, once again, that th ... More >>
Blogs
November 7, 2009
Miami Dolphins Preview: One Insufferable Fanbase Down, One To Go
When last we saw our Miami Dolphins, they were busy beating the bejesus out of the shitdipping trash-talking New York Jets, and silencing their shitdipping trash-talking fans in the process. It was one of the most satisfying wins in recent memory. Jason Taylor was able to talk some trash of his o ... More >>
Blogs
November 3, 2009
Food News Roundup: Benihana, Fiji Water, Jamaican Jerk, Michael Jordan, Necker Island, and Cuban Food
Canadian companies attend America's largest food and beverage show, coming soon to Miami Beach. [GovMonitor]Miami-based Benihana restaurants to donate 100% of Fiji Water sales revenue to Best Buddies charity for month of November. [Reuters]8th annual Grace Jamaican Jerk Festival this weekend at Mark ... More >>
Blogs
November 2, 2009
News Roundup
A county program that helped low-income people pay their utility bills will be shut down because the county was overwhelmed by the amount of applications that came in. [CBS4]Whiney Fidel Castro says America is infecting Cuba with swine flu, but not intentionally. [CBS4]For the 21st time this year, a ... More >>
Blogs
February 3, 2009
It Was Fun While It Lasted: Dolphins Have the Hardest NFL Schedule in 2009
All the naysayers (me included, often) think the Dolphins' roller coaster 2008 season ought to come with a few caveats: "Yeah, yeah, but Tom Brady was out the entire season... Sure, but the Jets had that old guy... Well, the wildcat won't be as effective next year... Whatever, you had an easy schedu ... More >>
Blogs
January 5, 2009
Well, There's Always Next Season
With news today that Bill Parcells will stay with the Dolphins, it seems a good bet that the heart of the resurgent Miami Dolphins will stay put for next season. Yeah, yesterday's game was a heartbreaking thing to behold, but after the greatest season-to-season turnaround in NFL history, Dolfans hav ... More >>
Blogs
December 8, 2008
The Dolphins' Ass-Kicking Prowess Has Gone International
Holy sugartits is this a magical time to be a Dolphins fan! They're just displaying all kinds of dexterity in the ass-kicking department, as they did yesterday when they flew into Canada's Rogers Centre and delivered a beatdown to the rival Buffalo Bills. The Fins defeated Buffalo 16-3 in front of ... More >>
News
November 27, 2008
A Thanksgiving Ode to Chad Pennington, Our Meh-rino
A mediocre quarterback leads the Dolphins back to mediocrity.
Blogs
November 3, 2008
Dolphins Are Now Balls Deep in the Hunt
A mediocre quarterback leads the Dolphins back to mediocrity.
Calendar
October 30, 2008
The Bums Have Their Day
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Blogs
October 3, 2008
Weekend Football: Hold On
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Blogs
September 23, 2008
One Of These Things Looks Like The Other
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Blogs
September 22, 2008
The Dolphins Would Like to Invite the Naysayers to Eat a Dick Sandwich
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Blogs
February 20, 2008
Jason Taylor What? Excuse Me While I Blow My Brains Out
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Blogs
January 9, 2008
The Right Arm of God Crushes King Douche Into Fine Powder
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Blogs
January 7, 2008
Source: Dolphins Intrigued by Matt Ryan
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Blogs
January 3, 2008
Breaking News - The Tuna Fires Cam Cameron
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Blogs
December 26, 2007
Dear Cleo, So Long and Thanks For All The Suck
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Blogs
October 22, 2007
Dolphins on Path to Winless Season
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Calendar
October 18, 2007
Swim for the Win
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More >>

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