Tom Brady

Five Free Agents the Miami Dolphins Must Try to Sign

The NFL's free-agency period begins this Tuesday, March 12, and your Miami Dolphins -- with about $36 million in cap space -- are poised for one of the biggest offseasons in franchise history. Naturally, there's a good chance they'll fuck it up, but here are the five free agents the Dolphins should ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Jaguars

Ah, the Battle for Florida.Former Dolphin Chad 'The Robot' Henne vs. Ryan 'Tanny Boyeee' Tannehill! Revenge for 62-7! Vindication for the loud, smelly fart that 2012 has proven to be! A chance to avoid a fourth losing season in five years! Tough-nosed, physical ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Patriots Top Dolphins 23-16 As Tannehill Struggles

Going into Sunday's contest there was a feeling the Patriots' offense could easily drop 60 points on the Dolphins' atrocious secondary. Instead, Tom Brady had probably his worst game of the season, the defense kept the Fins in it for most of the game and rookie QB Ryan Tannehill had the kind of up-a ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Five Keys To Victory Versus Patriots

Let's not kid ourselves.There's a very good chance Tom Brady and Co. are going to come in to Sun Life on Sunday and absolutely destroy the living crap out of our football team. However, the one thing we have going for us is that (hopefully) no one on our team will ever look like as much of a dork as ... More >>

The Beautiful People

Miami Dolphins' Five Keys to Victory Versus Titans

After two weeks on the road, the Dolphins are back home to face a 3-6 Titans team that ranks near the bottom of the NFL standings on both offense and defense and is a team mired in uncertainty about its future. Will our passing defense display the tenacity of a canned wet fart once again or can we g ... More >>

Gisele Bundchen and Eight Other Women Who Stand by Their Men

​Can we all stop hating on Gisele Bundchen? The lady has had a pretty stressful week. First she had to watch her husband, Tom Brady, completely choke in his starring role on the most-watched TV show of all time. Then she had to pretend she thought he did a really excellent job. Cameras captured he ... More >>

Five Things We Learned From Super Bowl XLVI

​Did you catch the big game last night, champ? Oh, it was truly one for the ages. There was plenty of action, highs and lows, and surprises around every turn. And that's just the commercials.The Giants-Patriots showdown was more than the mere spectacle of violence and pain we've become accustomed ... More >>

Black quarterbacks have no role models in the NFL

Cam Newton Could Become the Black QB Role Model That Michael Vick Never Had

Luther Campbell, the man whose booty-shaking madness made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Campbell addresses why African-American NFL quarterbacks don't have any heroes to look up to. In baseball, African-American play ... More >>

In Jason Taylor's Final Game, Dolphins End Jets' Season

​Jason Taylor played in the final game of his career yesterday. And what better way for him to go out than to bang the New York Jets' season right in its ear hole, and send them back home with nothing. The Jets, needing a win (and a little help) to get into the playoffs, came into SunLife Sta ... More >>

Don Shula Says Packers Can Match '72 Dolphins' Perfect Season

​The members of the '72 Miami Dolphins haven't gotten a chance yet to pop champagne, as the Green Bay Packers have remained undefeated with little signs of slowing down. Could Perfectville soon have a population of two?These are dark days in Dolphinland, as they have been for much of the past deca ... More >>

Dolphins Apparently Still Think They Have a Chance at the Playoffs

Most Dolphin fans are still in "Suck for Luck" mode, but with two straight wins under their belt, some members of the team apparently still have playoff hopes alive. Which isn't exactly impossible, just largely improbable. Then again, with a 2-7 record they are only 5 games behind the leaders in the ... More >>

Brady, Belichick Two Wins Away from Breaking Marino and Shula's Wins Record

​After 27 years, Dan Marino's record for most yards in a single season is expected to be overtaken. Even Marino admits as much. But another Marino record will almost surely be broken this year.With 116 wins together with the Dolphins, Marino and Don Shula hold he NFL record for most wins by a QB a ... More >>

Just When Chad Henne Finally Gets His Shit Together, the Fins D Gets Reamed

TAWMMY BRADY IS FACKIN' GAWD!! LET'S GO SAWX!!​All the talk before this season began was how Chad Henne and the Miami Dolphins offense was just a massive pile of deer shit. But when Henne started things off last night's season opener against the New England Patriots by leading the Fins on a 12-pla ... More >>

Tom Brady Is the New Ugg Boots for Men Spokesman, Which at Least Gives Dolphins a Moral Victory

​As Miami Dolphins fans, our gut reaction to Tom Brady is "ugh," so we guess it's only fitting he's the new poster boy for Ugg for Men boots. Yes, Uggs, those horribly ugly sheepskin affronts to footwear decency favored by circa 2005 UM sorority girls (paired with miniskirts, naturally) and middle ... More >>

Ready for Some Fraudball?

Chad Henne Is the Worst-Ranked Starting QB in the NFL

​Lest you think Miami Dolphins fans were being overdramatic in their disappointment that the team couldn't get a starting quarterback better than Chad Henne, we now have cold, hard rankings to back our whining. USA Today ranked all 32 teams' starting quarterbacks, and Henne came in 31st out of 32. ... More >>

LeBron James Plummets on Most Influential Athletes List

​Every year, Forbes slaps together a list of America's most influential athletes, and LeBron James was riding high at number two last year. Of course, some sort of "decision" happened in the meantime, and King James has seen his rankings fall. He's still in the top ten, but barely. Granted, a cham ... More >>

NFL players should form their own teams

Live Blog: Heat vs. Celtics

​Have no one to watch tonight's Heat-Celtics NBA season debut with? You do have someone to watch it with but they don't provide the same award-winning rapier wit-like banter you find here on your friendly neighborhood Miami New Times blog?Well have no fear! Because the Riptide 2.0 Heat vs. Celtics ... More >>

Gisele Bündchen Comes to Town to Root for Tom Brady's Hair

via JustJared​Normally, thanks to their semi-ridiculous effort to enlist B-listers as co-owners the Miami Dolphins have the biggest star power in their rooting section. That's not true when the New England Patriots come to town and Tom Brady brings his wifey Gisele Bundchen. The Brazilian sup ... More >>

Dolphins Host the Patriots Tonight: Keys To Victory

Last week, it was against the Jets on Sunday Night Football. Tonight, it's the Patriots on Monday Night Football. That's two straight weeks the Dolphins face an AFC East rival in the national spotlight. Also, it's two straight weeks they face a team with an insufferable fanbase. So tonight is a must ... More >>

Patriot Massacre

Sacked by Fate

Sacked by Fate

Sacked by Fate

Sacked by Fate

Our Balls Are Oblong

Miami Dolphins' Tony Sparano is a conservative coach who takes huge risks

Miami Dolphins Win: Never Say Die!

​Just when you thought they were good and dead, the Miami Dolphins pull off one of the most satisfying, Scarlett-Johansson's-knockers-in-your-face awesome victories of the 2009 season. It came thanks in large part to Chad Henne, Vontae Davis, and a Dolphins team that simply won't die.On their firs ... More >>

One if by LandShark, Two if by Sea

Miami Dolphins Lose: Hauntingly Familiar

​When Vontae Davis started off the game with a leaping interception that can only be described as Fuck Yea!, the consensus feeling was the Dolphins were going to make this one interesting. Maybe even pull off the upset. Alas, it was not to be. The Patriots were able to show us, once again, that th ... More >>

Miami Dolphins Preview: One Insufferable Fanbase Down, One To Go

​When last we saw our Miami Dolphins, they were busy beating the bejesus out of the shitdipping trash-talking New York Jets, and silencing their shitdipping trash-talking fans in the process. It was one of the most satisfying wins in recent memory. Jason Taylor was able to talk some trash of his o ... More >>

Food News Roundup: Benihana, Fiji Water, Jamaican Jerk, Michael Jordan, Necker Island, and Cuban Food

Canadian companies attend America's largest food and beverage show, coming soon to Miami Beach. [GovMonitor]Miami-based Benihana restaurants to donate 100% of Fiji Water sales revenue to Best Buddies charity for month of November. [Reuters]8th annual Grace Jamaican Jerk Festival this weekend at Mark ... More >>

News Roundup

A county program that helped low-income people pay their utility bills will be shut down because the county was overwhelmed by the amount of applications that came in. [CBS4]Whiney Fidel Castro says America is infecting Cuba with swine flu, but not intentionally. [CBS4]For the 21st time this year, a ... More >>

It Was Fun While It Lasted: Dolphins Have the Hardest NFL Schedule in 2009

All the naysayers (me included, often) think the Dolphins' roller coaster 2008 season ought to come with a few caveats: "Yeah, yeah, but Tom Brady was out the entire season... Sure, but the Jets had that old guy... Well, the wildcat won't be as effective next year... Whatever, you had an easy schedu ... More >>

Well, There's Always Next Season

With news today that Bill Parcells will stay with the Dolphins, it seems a good bet that the heart of the resurgent Miami Dolphins will stay put for next season. Yeah, yesterday's game was a heartbreaking thing to behold, but after the greatest season-to-season turnaround in NFL history, Dolfans hav ... More >>

The Dolphins' Ass-Kicking Prowess Has Gone International

Holy sugartits is this a magical time to be a Dolphins fan! They're just displaying all kinds of dexterity in the ass-kicking department, as they did yesterday when they flew into Canada's Rogers Centre and delivered a beatdown to the rival Buffalo Bills. The Fins defeated Buffalo 16-3 in front of ... More >>

The Bums Have Their Day

Hit the links for some fun fundraising.

Weekend Football: Hold On

One Of These Things Looks Like The Other

The Dolphins Would Like to Invite the Naysayers to Eat a Dick Sandwich

Jason Taylor What? Excuse Me While I Blow My Brains Out

The Right Arm of God Crushes King Douche Into Fine Powder

Source: Dolphins Intrigued by Matt Ryan

Breaking News - The Tuna Fires Cam Cameron

Dear Cleo, So Long and Thanks For All The Suck

Dolphins on Path to Winless Season

Swim for the Win