Not to remind you too much of last night, but if Miami is going to win a major sports championship in the calendar year of 2014, our only hope remains -- gulp -- the Marlins. Oddly, a recent scientific survey by political polling firm Public Policy Polling reveals that a full 19 percent of Florid ... More >>
The Marlins surprising 5-1 start had us feeling positively optimistic. Maybe this season wouldn't be a slow, painful march to MLB irrelevance. Maybe, just maybe, this would be the first season the team actually lost a playoff series! Sadly, reality has set back in. The team is in the midst of an e ... More >>
Bon Appétit Magazine, you've changed. You aren't as serious as you used to be. You're using words like "awesome" in your headlines. You're writing about Jay-Z and Beyonce's vegan pledge. You made Dorito bread (?). And then when people threw shade at you for making Dorito bread, you posted a blog ... More >>
You can get away with killing an unarmed black teenager in this country, but you sure aren't going to get away with lying to the courts about money. George Zimmerman's wife Shellie pleaded guilty this morning to a misdemeanor charge of perjury after she lied about the couple's financial situation d ... More >>
What's dumber? A dance music blog completely fabricates an absurd story about one of the world's most popular DJs, or that said DJ would be personally offended and find that the clearly false story is damaging to his career. More specifically, possibly affecting his ranking in the DJ Mag Top 100? W ... More >>
Two months after David Beckham jetted to Miami to meet with a Bolivian billionaire and tour stadiums around Dade County, reports are trickling out of Britain this week suggesting that South Florida soccer fans' hopes might just be true. Becks is close to announcing that's he's going to start an MLS ... More >>
In one of the most shocking twists to occur in Miami-Dade County over the past several Memorial Day weekends, nothing absolutely bat-shit insane occurred to forced locals to question the decency of the human species and the meaning of life itself. After the 2011 Memorial Day Weekend during which p ... More >>
Remember right after the Dolphin's one-win season a few years ago when The Onion wrote, "NFL Denies Miami Dolphins' Request To Watch Super Bowl."Well, that story has come true for the Miami Heat. NBA scheduling has effectively made it impossible for LeBron and co. to watch the big game.
Sorry recent University of Miami Alums, The Onion really doesn't understand why even though you owe the school at least five figures in student debt, you still love it so much.In traditional satirical style, the paper introduced us to "Mark Felder," a fictional '07 grad who owes the school $50,000, ... More >>
We're getting hit with presidential polls every day now, but every once in a while a little bit of data comes along that perfectly sums up the general mood of this election.A recent poll of likely Florida voters taken by Fox News found that a full 25 percent of Floridians who say they're voting for ... More >>
Lets be honest, The Office is pretty much the sitcom equivilant of the Miami Dolphins right now: Once perfect, now in the midst of their worst season ever. That didn't stop them last night from making fun of the Miami Heat in their Halloween episode.
Jeff Rollason, maestro de WeirdsIs anything truly weird anymore? In 2011, headlines read like a Best of The Onion calendar and everyone is fucking through their cell phone. So what's got the power to grab you by the nose hairs, wipe your brain, and make your eyes turn into bloodshot questi ... More >>
via The OnionOh, no, Spo' won't go. According to reports from The Boston Globe (of all papers), Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra's job is safe for next year. Its sources also claim that at no point in the season was Spoelstra's job ever in danger.
This unfortunately is not a headline from The Onion; it's a story from the Austin Statesman about the kidnapping of Felix Batista, a Cuban-American, Miami-based expert in kidnapping negotiations. Batista apparently worked for a Houston-based security firm and was invited by Mexican police to part ... More >>