Subject:

TheOnion.com

  • Blogs

    June 16, 2014

    Nineteen Percent of Floridians Think Marlins Will Win World Series

    Not to remind you too much of last night, but if Miami is going to win a major sports championship in the calendar year of 2014, our only hope remains -- gulp -- the Marlins. Oddly, a recent scientific survey by political polling firm Public Policy Polling reveals that a full 19 percent of Florid ... More >>

  • Blogs

    April 15, 2014

    After Hot Start, the Marlins Settle Back Into Sucking

    The Marlins surprising 5-1 start had us feeling positively optimistic. Maybe this season wouldn't be a slow, painful march to MLB irrelevance. Maybe, just maybe, this would be the first season the team actually lost a playoff series! Sadly, reality has set back in. The team is in the midst of an e ... More >>

  • Blogs

    December 5, 2013

    Bon Appétit Magazine: You've Changed

    Bon Appétit Magazine, you've changed. You aren't as serious as you used to be. You're using words like "awesome" in your headlines. You're writing about Jay-Z and Beyonce's vegan pledge. You made Dorito bread (?). And then when people threw shade at you for making Dorito bread, you posted a blog ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 28, 2013

    Zimmerman's Wife Pleads Guilty to Perjury Charges

    You can get away with killing an unarmed black teenager in this country, but you sure aren't going to get away with lying to the courts about money. George Zimmerman's wife Shellie pleaded guilty this morning to a misdemeanor charge of perjury after she lied about the couple's financial situation d ... More >>

  • Blogs

    August 7, 2013

    David Guetta Is Pissed, Threatens Site Over Fake Story

    What's dumber? A dance music blog completely fabricates an absurd story about one of the world's most popular DJs, or that said DJ would be personally offended and find that the clearly false story is damaging to his career. More specifically, possibly affecting his ranking in the DJ Mag Top 100? W ... More >>

  • Blogs

    July 18, 2013

    David Beckham Could Be Close To Bringing An MLS Team Back to Miami

    Two months after David Beckham jetted to Miami to meet with a Bolivian billionaire and tour stadiums around Dade County, reports are trickling out of Britain this week suggesting that South Florida soccer fans' hopes might just be true. Becks is close to announcing that's he's going to start an MLS ... More >>

  • Blogs

    May 28, 2013

    Locals Left Stunned As Nothing Completely Insane Happened in Miami Over Memorial Day Weekend

    In one of the most shocking twists to occur in Miami-Dade County over the past several Memorial Day weekends, nothing absolutely bat-shit insane occurred to forced locals to question the decency of the human species and the meaning of life itself. After the 2011 Memorial Day Weekend during which p ... More >>

  • Film

    May 2, 2013
  • Blogs

    January 31, 2013

    Miami Heat Won't Be Able to Watch Super Bowl and LeBron Isn't Happy

    Remember right after the Dolphin's one-win season a few years ago when The Onion wrote, "NFL Denies Miami Dolphins' Request To Watch Super Bowl."Well, that story has come true for the Miami Heat. NBA scheduling has effectively made it impossible for LeBron and co. to watch the big game. 

  • Blogs

    January 10, 2013

    The Onion Doesn't Understand Why You Went Into Debt To Go To The University of Miami

    Sorry recent University of Miami Alums, The Onion really doesn't understand why even though you owe the school at least five figures in student debt, you still love it so much.In traditional satirical style, the paper introduced us to "Mark Felder," a fictional '07 grad who owes the school $50,000, ... More >>

  • Calendar

    November 15, 2012
  • Blogs

    September 20, 2012

    One in Four Romney Voters In Florida Only Voting For Him Because He's Not Obama

    We're getting hit with presidential polls every day now, but every once in a while a little bit of data comes along that perfectly sums up the general mood of this election.A recent poll of likely Florida voters taken by Fox News found that a full 25 percent of Floridians who say they're voting for ... More >>

  • Blogs

    October 28, 2011

    The Office Makes The Miami Heat the Butt of the Joke

    ​Lets be honest, The Office is pretty much the sitcom equivilant of the Miami Dolphins right now: Once perfect, now in the midst of their worst season ever. That didn't stop them last night from making fun of the Miami Heat in their Halloween episode. 

  • Blogs

    July 7, 2011

    Summer of Weirds II Unleashes Strange Noise on Churchill's Pub August 19

    Jeff Rollason, maestro de Weirds​Is anything truly weird anymore? In 2011, headlines read like a Best of The Onion calendar and everyone is fucking through their cell phone. So what's got the power to grab you by the nose hairs, wipe your brain, and make your eyes turn into bloodshot questi ... More >>

  • Blogs

    June 14, 2011

    Report: Erik Spoelstra's Job is Safe

    via The Onion​Oh, no, Spo' won't go. According to reports from The Boston Globe (of all papers), Miami Heat coach Erik Spoelstra's job is safe for next year. Its sources also claim that at no point in the season was Spoelstra's job ever in danger.

  • Blogs

    December 15, 2008

    The Sad Irony of a Kidnapping Expert Being Kidnapped

    This unfortunately is not a headline from The Onion; it's a story from the Austin Statesman about the kidnapping of Felix Batista, a Cuban-American, Miami-based expert in kidnapping negotiations. Batista apparently worked for a Houston-based security firm and was invited by Mexican police to part ... More >>

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