Shane Battier

Heat Stomp Bulls 115-78, Even Series

Back up in your ass with the resurrection, Chicago. The Miami Heat got some sweet revenge Wednesday night beating the Bulls 115-78 -- their worst ever playoff defeat, and at the same time the Heat's all-time biggest playoff win -- so that went well. Miami shot 50 percent from three point land and 60 ... More >>

Shane Battier Got a Truck Full of Bud Light

Recently, the Miami Heat's Shane Battier admitted that his only pregame superstition is sticking to drinking the same beer."I try to drink the same beer -- Bud Light -- but that's about it," Battier told an NBA.com blog. "You never know. I don't want to chance luck and switch up brands, so I'm stayi ... More >>

Norris Cole Just Misses Triple-Double, Seals Win Over Cavs With Late Steal

With absolutely nothing left to play for in the regular season, the Miami Heat threw out a hodgepodge starting lineup against Cleveland Monday night and won anyway. Behind Norris Cole and his 16 points, 11 rebounds, and nine assists, the Heat B C team pulled out a gutsy win, the kind that once again ... More >>

Heat Backups Clinch Home Court With Franchise Record 62nd Win

The 2013 Miami Heat is the winningest team in franchise history. Behind a solid performance from a lineup full of backups, the team beat the Wizards 103-98, winning for the 62nd time this season to surpass the 1996-97 Heat's record. More important for this season, Miami also secured home-court advan ... More >>

Melo Drops 50 as Knicks Beat Depleted Heat 102-90

Heat fans tuning in for a possible Eastern Conference Finals preview Tuesday night were instead treated to another helping of the Miami Heat "B-Team" with an extra-large side of Carmelo Anthony ass. Anthony sizzled all night long, finishing with a career-high-tying 50 points as the New York Knicks p ... More >>

Heat Comes Back From 27 Points Down, Rally to Beat Cavs for 24th Straight Win

Just when you think the Miami Heat can't possibly take your emotions to a higher place than they have already been this season, an ordinary Wednesday night in Cleveland happens -- and the streak pushes on.Down 27 with seven minutes to play in the third quarter, the Heat decided to turn its own perso ... More >>

Heat Beats Boston in 105-103 Thriller to Stretch Win Streak to 23

With the game tied at 103 and less than 20 seconds left, the basketball found itself exactly where Miami Heat fans would prefer it never leave: LeBron James's hands. Game. Blouses. It's a Miami Heat World right now, ladies and gentlemen, and we are just living in it.James rattled in a jumper with 10 ... More >>

The Heat's Winning Streak Hits 22, the Second-Longest Ever, With Victory Over Raptors

For a moment on this lazy Sunday afternoon in Toronto, it seemed as though it might all end for the Miami Heat exactly where it began. For a moment. With the game tied at 77 early in the fourth, the Heat turned on, well, the heat, blasting off on a 28-4 run to help secure a win for the 22nd straight ... More >>

Heat's Win Streak Hits 18 as Bosh, Wade Crush Pacers 105-91

Eighteen have entered. Zero have gone home victorious. The Indiana Pacers became just the latest victim of the Heat's insane win streak as Miami defeated the Pacers 105-91 Sunday night. The win also gave the Heat victories over every other team in the NBA this season, a franchise first. BUT THIS CRA ... More >>

The Miami Heat Make a Harlem Shake Video Because Why The Hell Not?

When you're kicking ass on the court, you can pretty much do whatever you want off of it. The Chicago Bears had the "Super Bowl Shuffle" back in 1986. Now the Miami Heat have made their claim to this year's meme, the Harlem Shake.And a helluva claim it is, with King James prancing around in a crown ... More >>

Heat Holds Off Kings 141-129 in Double OT, Win Streak Hits 12

It took 79 combined points from LeBron James and Dwyane Wade on this night to keep the Heat's win streak alive, but the streak lives: 12 straight and counting.LeBron dropped a stat line that hasn't been seen since the chain-saw scene in Scarface. He finished with 40 points, 18 assists, and eight reb ... More >>

Heat Pull Out 11th Straight, Beat Cavs 109-105

No Oscars were awarded for Dwyane Wade's fourth-quarter performance Sunday night. Just another Miami Heat win, that's all. With his team down seven with just under four minutes to go, the man they once called "Flash" played the role of superhero, scoring 11 of his 24 in the game's final five minutes ... More >>

Heat Pull Away With Late Run, Win Sixth Straight 117-104 Over Blazers

Down 102-101 with four minutes left, with danger knocking at the door of the Heat's five-game winning streak, the Miami Heat collectively reminded everyone -- they are the ones that knock. Miami bested the Blazers 117-104 Tuesday night, once again led by LeBron James and his 30 points, six rebounds, ... More >>

LeBron James, Heat Shut Up Smack-Talking Nets with 105-85 Win

During shootaround prior to last night's game, Brooklyn's pedestrian, no-rings, Dopey-headed fool of a starting power forward, Reggie Evans, ran off his mouth about how the Heat's championship "didn't count" because of the lockout and how LeBron James was no different then a lot of other players in ... More >>

Watch LeBron James and Dwyane Wade Sing "Rock With You" and "If I Ever Fall in Love"

So, Shane Battier's annual celebrity karaoke event went down this weekend at the Eden Roc Hotel, and if you couldn't afford the $250 tickets to the charity event, don't worry. Of course some video evidence has leaked.

Heat Top Lakers 99-90 As LeBron, Wade Score 66 Combined

We cool now, Heat fans? LeBron and Wade came into the Staples Center last night, dropped their shorts and proceeded to Danza-slap every Lakers player, coach and fan in attendance with a 99-90 victory that was ALL D-Wade and Cobradick.The Heat were the real stars in attendance despite the presence of ... More >>

Here's a Video of Shane Battier Singing The Love Boat Theme Song in a Captain's Hat

Shane Battier: great three-point shooter. Horrible singer.That didn't stop the Miami Heat forward from belting out the theme from The Love Boat on YouTube to promote his upcoming star-studded karaoke-themed charity gala.

Brainy Shane Battier Would Challenge Any NBA Power Forward to Jeopardy

With 34 years on his relatively skinny frame, the Miami Heat's Shane Battier may not be the most physically intimidating power forward in the NBA, but damn it if he's not one of smartest. The Duke-educated (it's the Harvard of the south, you know ...) Battier is so sure of his brains that he figures ... More >>

The Heat's Shane Battier Is Super Famous in China

The Heat will travel to China next week for two preseason games against the LA Clippers, and fans in the country are basketball-crazy, perhaps even more so than in America. Hell, they worship Shane Battier. Seriously, dude's face is apparently plastered all over billboards, and he's nicknamed "Mr. P ... More >>

ESPN: Miami Heat Have Both NBA's Best and Worst Player

I guess it's only fair that since the Miami Heat have the undisputed best basketball player in the world that they should also have the worst player in the entire league.To no one's surprise, ESPN's experts today put LeBron James atop their #NBARank listicle, which is kind of hilarious because ... More >>

Three Loco at LIV Nightclub July 18

Report: Ray Allen to Visit With Heat on Thursday

Are you ready to see the Celtics' Ray Allen in a Heat jersey? There's been mutterings that he may be interested in jumping from one Eastern Conference powerhouse to another for weeks, but now the Associated Press is reporting that Allen will visit with the Heat on Thursday.

Three Loco's Riff Raff, Andy Milonakis, Dirt Nasty Bring Blog Rap to LIV Miami on July 18

Curiously, LIV has become Miami Beach's epicenter of irony. Last week, the Miami Heat's LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Shane Battier reveled in their 2012 championship win at the megaclub, just 375 days after the Mark Cuban-owned Dallas Mavericks bought out the bar to celebrate beating LeBron and ... More >>

Miami Heat Parade: Here's Where To Watch Ronny Turiaf Dance

In about half an hour, the champagne will start flowing, the vuvuzelas will start honking and, we can only hope, the Ronny Turiaf Dance will blow up Biscayne Boulevard. Tens of thousands of fans are already lining Biscayne Boulevard. Skip Bayless, presumably, is drinking heavily in a dark room somew ... More >>

Miami Heat Celebrate NBA Championship at LIV, Pop $75,000 Bottles of Champagne, "Party Rock" with LMFAO (Videos)

For the Miami Heat, failure was not an option last night. And not because taking the title would've proved that much more difficult in Oklahoma City, but because the post-victory celebration would've likely gone down at an Applebee's and ended at midnight. Instead, the Heat closed the series out ... More >>

Heat-OKC Game 4: Head to db Bistro Moderne for Free Drinks, Game-Long Happy Hour

So the Heat won again last night and you are preparing for Game 4 tomorrow at 9 p.m.. When Shane Battier make his next three-pointer, and he will, you will want to shout. HELL YEAH DRINKS ON ME. Wait, you didn't mean that. Now you owe everyone in earshot a Red Bull and vodka.This scenario will be le ... More >>

Miami Heat Win Ugly, Take 2-1 Series Lead

The Miami Heat shot 37 percent from the field last night. They turned the ball over nine times in the fourth quarter. Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook both shot over 50 percent. Dwyane Wade's performance was once again pure ass. Chris Bosh finished 3-for-12 from the field. LeBron James failed to ... More >>

Miami Heat Withstand Thunder Rally, Tie Series 1-1

Holy assballs it almost happened again.After the Miami Heat held the lead from the opening tip, just like in Game 1, and held a double-digit lead, just like in Game 1, the Oklahoma City Thunder almost rallied back to steal Game 2, just like Game 1.But thanks to LeBron James hitting a slap-yo-momma-a ... More >>

Miami Heat Let First-Half Lead Slip Away, Lose Game 1

Game 1 of the 2012 NBA Finals was a tale of two halves.The Miami Heat shot out of the gate strong, hitting shots, making threes and getting a huge game from *record scratch* Shane Battier!But the second half was a whole other bag of salted cock n' balls as Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook did to t ... More >>

Heat Are Eastern Conference Champions, Will Face Oklahoma City in NBA Finals

After blowing up the Boston Celtics Big Three Era (for the second straight season) in last night's 101-88 Game 7 triumph, the Miami Heat are headed to their second-straight NBA Finals. The Big Three known as LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh scored Miami's final 31 points, including all ... More >>

If The Heat Lose Tonight, Who Might Not Be Wearing a Miami Jersey Next Year?

This is a silly, stupid little post to be writing. The Heat will of course stage a magnificent comeback tonight and go on to emerge victorious in the finals, because whatever powers that rule the universe will decide to give Miami, this muggy land of hurricanes, poverty, foreclosures and zombie atta ... More >>

Heat Drop Two in Boston as Series Goes 2-2

The Miami Heat went into Boston over the weekend and promptly took a giant shit all over their season, as they allowed the Undead Celtics to fight their way back into the Eastern Conference Finals and knot things up at two games apiece. Games 3 and 4 were near mirror images of each other as the Heat ... More >>

Heat Take Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals

The Miami Heat are three wins away from their second consecutive trip to the NBA Finals after taking down the Boston Celtics 93-79 last night.And while the rest of the world seethes in furious anger in their unbridled and irrational hatred at this news, perhaps even blaming LeBron James for that guy ... More >>

Dwyane Wade Implodes as Heat Fall Into 2-1 Hole Against the Pacers

Up until last night, the story of this Eastern Conference semi-final was Chris Bosh's abdominal strain and how much the Heat would miss him. But after last night's 94-75 blowout loss to the Pacers, the story is now how Dwyane Wade magically transformed into an amorphous blob of basketball shittiness ... More >>

Heat Drop Game 2 to the Pacers

Here's a stat that you can print out, crumble into a ball, and shove up your ass: No team has ever won an NBA playoff game when their third-leading scorer dropped five or fewer points. Last night, Mario Chalmers scored five points on 2-of-10 shooting, Shane Battier scored five points on 1-of-2 shoot ... More >>

LeBron James and the Heat Extinguish Knicks, Move on to Eastern Conference Semis

After losing Game 4 in New York, and after the Knicks celebrated with streamers and threw a parade down the Canyon of Heroes after winning their first playoff game in 4,024 days, the Miami Heat reminded everyone that they, in fact, are the better team and finally extinguished the Knicks from the pla ... More >>

Heat Can't Sweep as Knicks Take Game Four

The Miami Heat showed up to Madison Square Garden for Game 4 yesterday and, while they have plenty of fucks to give, they must have left them in their other jeans, because for three quarters the Heat played like they had none to give away. None fucks. And so the result was a 89-87 loss to the New Yo ... More >>

Heat Takes 2-0 Lead Against Knicks

Game 1 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals between the Miami Heat and the New York Knicks was all about LeBron James smashing people's faces with his giant ball sack. Last night's Game 2 was more of a team effort, with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh turning in big-time performances worthy of their a ... More >>

Heat Sweep the Knicks, Win Southeast Division

The Miami Heat went into Madison Square Garden yesterday for the first and only time this regular season, and proceeded to mash the spleens of the New York Knickerbockers to the tune of 93-85, snapping New York's nine-game home-winning streak, sweeping the season series against the Knicks and taking ... More >>

Heat Get Nothing From Bench, Lose to Bulls in OT

Holy shit bananas, that was rough.The Miami Heat dropped a gut-wrenching loss to the Chicago Bulls 96-86 in overtime last night.And while the game is meaningless in terms of overall playoff importance, it still feels like Heat fans got their collective cocks slammed in a Metrobus door. WILL SOMEONE ... More >>

Heat Loses to the Celtics at Home, Falls Three Games Behind Number One Seed

LeBron James scored a game-high 36 points last night, while the rest of the Miami Heat stood and watched as the Boston Celtics shot 60 percent from the floor in yet another listless-shit-the-bed-let's-all-go-outside-and-punt-a-litter-of-kittens-loss by the Heat.Rajon Rondo once again had his way aga ... More >>

Heat Clinch Playoff Berth With 16th Consecutive Home Win

Weirdly enough, the Miami Heat only play like a bag of shit on the road, because they remain as dominant as ever at home. LeBron James dropped a season-high 41 points -- 15 in the fourth quarter -- as the Heat took down the Philadelphia 76ers 99-93 last night, winning their 16th straight home g ... More >>

Heat Turns In Worst Offensive Performance of Year, Loses to Celtics

​The Miami Heat has been unstoppable at home since the All-Star break. On the road, however, the team has been a big, heaping pile of ass. And that was certainly the case yesterday during their 91-72 gag reflex of a loss to the Boston Celtics.Rajon Rondo recorded a triple-double against Miami's de ... More >>

Miller Time

LeBron James Ain't Care: Battling the Flu, LBJ Dominates Lakers

​LeBron James told the flu to go fuck itself, and then promptly became a righteous wrecker of ass, as he led the Miami Heat to their 98-87 beatdown of the L.A. Lakers last night. James, who dropped 31 points, 8 rebounds and 8 assists, killed a baseball team owner, and made Kobe Bryant his own ... More >>

NBA GM Survey: Heat Will Win Championship, LeBron Has Good Shot at MVP

​It's tough to find a group of people who know the NBA more than the league's own group of general managers. For the tenth year in a row, NBA.com surveyed all 30 GMs to get their take on the state of the league, and 74.1 percent think the Miami Heat will win the NBA Championship. They also think L ... More >>

The Best Revenge is Revenge: Heat Take Down Hawks in 3OT Without James or Wade

​Dwyane Wade, out with a sore left foot. LeBron James, out with a sprained left ankle. The Miami Heat, having to go into Atlanta undermanned, against a Hawks team that had just beaten them at home with James and Wade.Problem? Shit and no.Enter Chris Bosh. Bosh proceeded to trample any hopes Atlant ... More >>

James Jones and Mario Chalmers Will Return to the Heat (at a Discount)

​Today is finally the beginning of the NBA's free-agency period, and with the Heat's first game a little more than two weeks away, the team will have to work fast and furious to nail the roster down. We've already gotten news that Shane Battier and Eddy Curry will be new guys on the block, bu ... More >>

Shane Battier Says He's Signing With the Heat UPDATE: And Eddy Curry Too

​So despite the fact that the Miami Heat are severely hurting in the point guard and center spots, their first signing priority this season was apparently the owner's son's college buddy.In the first indication of the team's signing decisions, Shane Battier has announced he'll be playing for the H ... More >>

Miami Heat Considering Grant Hill and Tracy McGrady

​Last season, the Miami Heat's roster included a few big superstar names and a lot of over-the-hill veterans. That worked out relatively fine, but wasn't quite enough. Maybe a few big superstar over-the-hill veterans could help? The team's top brass thinks it might be worth a shot, and is reported ... More >>