Palm Beach Newspapers Inc.

Kashi Ashram: Claims of Rape, Child Abuse, and Kidnapping

Dolphins' New Uniforms Include White Face Masks

We've known for awhile what the new Dolphins logo has looked like, but the team has been much better at keeping the details of the uniform redesign under wraps. Today, the team released a sneak peek of the new helmet on Twitter. Judging from the image, we think this could be a lot more drastic than ... More >>

Lifelong Marlins Fans Tossed From Home Opener for Protesting Loria

Like most lifelong Marlins fans, Dan Barton feels like team owner Jeffrey Loria spent the offseason repeatedly kicking him in the junk. So the 25-year-old and three of his friends showed up at last night's home opener with some homemade signs and T-shirts -- "Free the Marlins" and "F Jeff" were the ... More >>

Another Bootleg Butt Doc Busted After Krazy Glue Surgeries In South Florida Motel Go Awry

Miami was captivated in November 2011 when a would-be plastic surgeon with a prodigious ass named Oneal Morris was arrested after injecting mixtures including Fix-a-Flat into her patients' butts. Now it seems like Morris was only the tip of the bootleg butt doc industry in South Florida.A Pahokee ma ... More >>

Here's a Man With a Giant Dolphins Tattoo on His Head

You may think you are a hardcore Miami Dolphins fan, but do you have the team's logo tattooed across the back of your head? No. No you probably do not. Unless you are Emmett Dove, who shared his mark of the aquatic beast on Twitter today.

Study: South Florida Isn't Actually a Good Place to Retire

Despite its reputation as America's premier retirement destination, a new study shows that South Florida actually isn't the smartest place for the elderly to retire. The Milken Institute's "Best Cities for Successful Aging" rankings put the South Florida tri-county area at 37th out of America's 100 ... More >>

Dolphins' New Logo Could Include a Helmet-less Dolphin

Don't expect anything nearly as drastic as the makeover the Marlins just received, but the Miami Dolphins are moving ahead with plans for a slight revamp of their logo and uniform for the the 2013 season. According to reports, all the major traditional elements of the logo will remain in place, but ... More >>

Stand-Up Paddleboarders Will Get Ticketed for Not Wearing Life Jackets

Sup, bro? You totally into that crazy SUPing? You know, that stand-up paddleboarding? Well, the Conservation Commission Marine Patrol is about to cramp your style and issue a ticket if you decide to SUP in certain areas without a life jacket.

Florida Man Arrested for Pulling a Gun to Cut in McDonald's Drive-Thru Line

Every once in a while, whatever deity-like being that controls crime in Florida (some religions refer to him as Saint Crackerious of Tallahassee) takes out three hats. One contains the names of every Florida town, the next holds the names of a fast-food restaurant, and the other has a series of comi ... More >>

Forty-Five Live Cats, Two Dead Cats, and Mounds of Garbage Found in Florida Woman's Townhouse

The scene inside a Greenacres townhouse might have been too extreme even for reality-TV exploitation shows such as Hoarders. After the home's owner was taken to the hospital for health problems, authorities found 45 live cats, two dead cats, and mounds of garbage inside. Officials say ... More >>

Rick Scott May Soon Sign Law Making It Legal To Dye Rabbits

Think about all those times you were set to dye your pet rabbits pink and blue because it would be hilarious and great, only to look up the Florida state statutes and realize, "No! Dyeing bunnies is illegal in Florida, dammit!" Those dark days, thank God, may soon be over.The Florida House advanced ... More >>

Miami Herald Has Less News Aggregation Ethics Than Huffington Post Miami

​There's a media fight brewing in Miami between the old paper giant and the new local iteration of a quickly growing Internet media monster. Random Pixels blogger Bill Cooke, ever the keen-eyed instigator, noticed that the recently launched Huffington Post Miami was cribbing quite liberally from M ... More >>

Dwyane Wade to Dance in New Cameron Diaz and J.Lo Movie

Miami Heat star Dwyane Wade has filmed a dancing cameo in an upcoming ensemble comedy based on What To Expect When You're Expecting. Yes, an NBA star is dancing in a Love Actually-style ensemble movie based on a popular non-fiction pregnancy guide because Hollywood is horrible and out of ideas.

The Miami Dolphins Even Suck at Sucking

​Finally, just when it mattered the least, when a win couldn't possibly do anything to change the fortunes of this season, this coaching staff, or this fan base's hopes, the Dolphins FINALLY pulled off a victory.Somehow, someway, led by one of the marionette puppets from Team America QB Matt Moore ... More >>

Eddie Dominguez Goes For the Cash! Good-bye Journalism! Hello City National Bank!

​The executive editor of the Daily Business Review, Eddie Dominguez, is jumping ship.He sent out this email yesterday:"After a decade as executive editor of the Daily Business Review, I've decided to leave the DBR and journalism and take a short stroll up Brickell Avenue to City National Bank wher ... More >>

Florida's Dwarf Tossing Law Could Be Repealed to Ease Dwarf Unemployment

​Rep. Ritch Workman, R-Melbourne, is tired of Florida's Big Brother government standing in the way of people getting jobs. Jobs that include being tossed around by drunk dudes specifically, so he's on a mission to repeal the state's two-decade-old ban on dwarf tossing. 

Logan Morrison And His Twitter Demoted As LoMo Rips Marlins For Move

​The Florida Marlins would have you believe they abruptly demoted fan favorite Logan Morrison after last night's loss to the Giants because his batting average has dipped below .250 -- an excuse so blatantly untrue that Jeffrey Loria must have been cackling in his Hamptons mansion as he helped gho ... More >>

Oh Sh*t! Florida's Five Most Notorious Poopcrimes

​Yesterday, jollily bearded fellow Edmund Barksdale set the AP's Poop Alert Newswire (TM) ablaze with his bizarre tale of getting Tasered while taking a dump in a Destin park. Yet he's far from the first fecal-matter felon to snag Florida headlines.If George Orwell put thoughtcrime on the map, the ... More >>

Firework Sales Slump in Florida Thanks to Drought

​Well, Katy Perry, for your information Florida does feel like a paper bag. A dry, worn out paper bag that could catch fire at any moment and cause millions of acres of forest to go up in smoke thanks to the drought.According to The Palm Beach Post, while firework sales are up in pretty much every ... More >>

Corpse In Poisonous Pesticide Truck on I-95 Opens Bizarre Homicide Case

photo by Massimilliano Mariani via wikimedia commons​A truly strange murder case sprouted along I-95 yesterday when rescuers -- who had just saved a man and a boy suffering from chemical fume exposure in a pesticide truck -- found a corpse in a bag stuffed between containers of hazardous chemicals ... More >>

Reports: QB Jacoby Brissett to Choose Gators Over 'Canes

​Al Golden was hoping for one more coveted player to really make his inaugural recruiting class shine, but it appears that four star quarterback Jacoby Brissett of Palm Beach Gardens' Dwyer High will announce his intentions to play for the Gators instead this year. Brissett was one of th ... More >>

Dolphins Media Members Cat Fight!

​Apparently, the local beat writers that cover the Miami Dolphins at the Sun-Sentinel and Miami Herald have been sniping at each other the last couple of days. It's mainly been done on twitter, because you can really zing a guy in 140 characters or less.You want to know what's going on with your M ... More >>

NFL helmet hits are OK

NFL Is Too Soft For the Rest Of the World

​Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke addresses the NFL's crackdown on helmet-to-helmet hits.The No Fun League needs to stop fining defensive players for helme ... More >>

Alex Sink Picks Up Endorsement From Every Major Newspaper in the State

In an age when the broadsheets are struggling and anyone can make their own mini-endorsements on Twitter or Facebook, do newspaper endorsements still matter? The Democratic Governor nominee better hope so. She's walked away with the support of every major newspaper's editorial board in the state. Th ... More >>

Adoptions of Black Cats Halted in Palm Beach Until After Halloween

​Palm Beach County is apparently full of sadistic weirdos and people who love exuberant parties, so it only makes sense that three animal shelters in the county have banned adoption of black cats until after Halloween. The shelters fear that the cats may be harmed due to All Hallow's Eve ... More >>

Well, Here's a Picture of Marlins Player Logan Morrison in a Baywatch Swimsuit

​The debate continues on about whether or not fans in Florida actually care about professional baseball. Not even DJ Kitty and the chance to clinch a play off birth can get more than a pathetic handful of fans out to see the Tampa Bay Rays. Florida Marlins attendance is also notoriously low. Does ... More >>

Marijuana Report: Florida Hunts Head Shops

​While the rest of the country -- or at least California, Colorado, and a few others -- virtually legalizes pot, Florida is going retro.Bills making their way through the Florida House and Senate would impose a 25 percent tax on pipes with carburetors. Worse, it argues that these pipes co ... More >>

"Slow Peace... Quick Death" and Other Classic Headlines From Miami's Former Tabloid

Ah, the 1950s. An innocent time in Miami when a boxing fight at the Coral Gables Coliseum was just a buck, and a dog race at the West Flagler Kennel Club was only a quarter.​Care to travel to Havana direct? Choose from a $30 plane ride or a $46 steamer. Castro had just seized power, and the Miami ... More >>

Marijuana Report: Florida Legislature Hunts Head Shops

​While the rest of the country -- or at least California, Colorado and a few others -- virtually legalize pot, Florida is going retro.Bills making their way through the Florida House and Senate would impose a 25 percent tax on pipes with carburetors. Worse, it argues that these pipes couldn't be s ... More >>

Charlie Crist Urges You to Call "Hot, Horny Girls" Who "Love Nasty Talk as Much as You Do"

​Florida KidCare provides health insurance to children, but if you ask Charlie Crist for the phone number, he might send you to a sex line.The Palm Beach Post called the Gov and got a pre-recorded message in which Crist rattles off a bunch of numbers for state services. But the number he gives for ... More >>

Dick Armey Sending Army of Dicks After Bill Nelson over Health Care

​Dick Armey, the former Republican House majorty leader who's not currently making an ass out of himself on Dancing with the Stars, was in Palm Beach Gardens today speaking to teabaggers, um, Tea Party activists. According to the Palm Beach Post, Armey told the crowd of conservative acti ... More >>

Horse Killed in Miami Gardens - Does Black Market Horse Meat Cure AIDS?

via wikimedia commonsThis horse is so sad it went and got an emo haircut.​ Another horse killed and stripped of meat in similar manner to the 20 or so others so far this year was found murdered Wednesday morning in the ranch where it lived in Miami Gardens. Its throat was slit and two legs were re ... More >>

Archive Diver: John Stoll's Fantasma Productions "Bands Showcase" with Miss Conduct, Easy Access, Fortress and More, 1988

via Miami New Times Archives week of August 17 - 23, 1988​ Fantasma Productions was one of the top independent promotion and performance companies in the United States. It was founded and run by John Stoll. He owned the Carefree Center in Broward which housed Comedy Corner, where Larry The Cable G ... More >>

Crist Asks For Senate Application from Lincoln Diaz-Balart, Two Others

Lincoln Diaz-Balart​The Palm Beach Post is reporting that Governor Charlie Crist has sent out a document entitled "Questionnaire for Senate Appointment," to three men [link to pdf]. The first two names have been mentioned widely before: former Secretary of State Jim Smith, and former US Attorney B ... More >>

Two Divers Die During Lobster Mini-Season

photo via Miamism's Flickr​Every year divers start off lobster mini-season with the same thought in their head, "Let's have some fun. Their meat is sick. I wanna take a dive with my tickle stick." Unfortunately things always seem to take a turn for the deadly. Two divers have turned up d ... More >>

Attorney General McCollum Works About 22 Hours a Week

The Palm Beach Post decided to check the time sheets of Governor candidates and current cabinet members Republican Bill McCollum and Democrat Alex Sink. Turns out, in the past two months neither has been working that hard. McCollum averages about 22 hours of work a week as attorney ge ... More >>

What Exactly are the Limits of the Daily Papers' Story Sharing Schemes?

Walt DisneyWill Florida's newspapers all dance in unison?So, the Miami Herald, the Palm Beach Post and the Sun-Sentinel still share stories as part of their agreement. The Sun-Sentinel and the Orlando Sentinel share content because they're both part of the troubled Tribune Corp. The Miami Herald con ... More >>

House Majority Leader Adam Hasner Leaves Chamber During Muslim Prayer

HasnerHere's is my personal take on officially lead prayer in public areas like legislative chambers, schools, and other government functions: If I had it my way, it wouldn't happen. Now, a bit of personal prayer is fine. Back in my school days I prayed to Jesus before many a test, and I'm not ... More >>

It’s All About the Seeding

Does The Local Media Suck Because of Fark?

News Roundup

Local Papers Missed Out On Huge Biden Scoop

Never Say Die

The Marlins keep beating each other up, and they like it that way.

Burger King Pitches Penny To Tomato Pickers

Unleash the Power of the Mormon

You Can't Handle the Truth!

Law enforcement's attempts to muzzle the media help no one

Vanity Fire

A group of hot firewomen raised big bucks posing for a sexy calendar. The intended charity got only a pittance.

Kulchur

Dueling at the millennium

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