Orlando Magic

Last Night: The Police Can't Get Arrested

20-Cent Chicken Wings At 8-Oz. Burger Bar

During the NBA Finals between the Orlando Magic and LA Kobes, 8 oz. Burger Bar's Alton Road and Ocean Drive locations will be offering chicken wings for twenty cents apiece -- and $3 draft beers. Seems as though 8-oz. may be suffering from some sort of Susan Boyle Syndrome -- the place wins the New ... More >>

Will the Heat's Turnaround Be as Miraculous as the Fins'?

There really is something in the water lately that makes our pro sports teams stop being such gawd-awful municipal embarrassments. Last year, the Heat had its worse season since its inaugural year, which didn't help to ease the pain we were experiencing after the Fins' 1-15 season. Things have turne ... More >>

News Roundup

Oh, ZBT the UM frat caught up in another drug mess has been temporarily suspend. Police said pot and a pill for ADHD treatment (adderall?) were sold at the house. [JustNews]A Charlie Crist adviser,  Alan Mendelsohn, is linked to one of these many, many ponzi schemes. [Pulp]Marc Sarnoff is the n ... More >>

A Shaq is Born

Oh, ZBT the UM frat caught up in another drug mess has been temporarily suspend. Police said pot and a pill for ADHD treatment (adderall?) were sold at the house. [JustNews]A Charlie Crist adviser,  Alan Mendelsohn, is linked to one of these many, many ponzi schemes. [Pulp]Marc Sarnoff is the n ... More >>

News Roundup

LocalThe Sun-Sentinel's Ray Sanchez, the last US Journalist working in Cuba, is being called home. [Pulp]Police Chief John Timony wants the world to know that crime doesn't necessarily get worse in a bad economy, but please don't lay off any of his officers. [Reuters] It was actually something ... More >>

It’s All About the Seeding

LocalThe Sun-Sentinel's Ray Sanchez, the last US Journalist working in Cuba, is being called home. [Pulp]Police Chief John Timony wants the world to know that crime doesn't necessarily get worse in a bad economy, but please don't lay off any of his officers. [Reuters] It was actually something ... More >>

Streak Busters

The Heat hosts the red-hot Orlando Magic.

Raiders of the Lost Season

The Heat keeps finding ways to lose.

We Want Mo’ Zo!

The Heat keeps finding ways to lose.

Calendar for the week

The Heat keeps finding ways to lose.

Give Thanks -- You Almost Got Stuck Rooting for the Florida Flamingos

All team names are far from created equal. Some basic math: Celtics > Raptors; Red Sox > Devil Rays; Colts > Texans; and everyone on a field, rink, or pitch outside of Anaheim laughed their asses off at the Mighty Ducks until they wised up and lost the Disney adjective a few years ago.via Wikimedia ... More >>

In Classy Show of Humility, Shaq Offers to Taste Kobe Bryant's Ass

Before the NBA Finals began, there were quite a few columns written about this Magic-Lakers series being haunted by the Ghost of Shaquille O'Neal -- you know, because the former Miami fixture played for both teams and has had such a contentious history with Kobe Bryant. Seemed like a bit of a reach ... More >>

Three-Feat

Before the NBA Finals began, there were quite a few columns written about this Magic-Lakers series being haunted by the Ghost of Shaquille O'Neal -- you know, because the former Miami fixture played for both teams and has had such a contentious history with Kobe Bryant. Seemed like a bit of a reach ... More >>

Former Heat Coach Stan Van Gundy Says F-You, Disembodied Voice!

It's the weekend, so the best you're getting from the ole' Riptide sports desk is a repost of a repost.Check out this video of former Miami Heat coach Stan Van Gundy, a.k.a. The Master of Panic, showing complete disdain for his over-hyped, NBA-style introduction at the Orlando Magic's home opener. I ... More >>

News Roundup: Heat Melts Magic

Turns out the Epic Hotel has not been completely cleared as the cause of Legionnaires' disease. [Herald]However, the disease might also be linked to the Liberty of the Seas cruise ship. [SFBJ]The Supreme Court of Florida has decided it's no longer legal to put shackles on kids in court. [JustNews]An ... More >>

Luke's Gospel: Fire Erik Spoelstra

Image via Miami Heat/NBAEMiami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra.​Luther Campbell, AKA Uncle Luke, has never been shy about sharing his opinion. The former frontman for Miami's wonderfully raunchy rap act, 2 Live Crew, made history in 1992 when the U.S. Supreme Court confirmed his right to be as horn ... More >>

Fire Heat coach Erik Spoelstra

Image via Miami Heat/NBAEMiami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra.​Luther Campbell, AKA Uncle Luke, has never been shy about sharing his opinion. The former frontman for Miami's wonderfully raunchy rap act, 2 Live Crew, made history in 1992 when the U.S. Supreme Court confirmed his right to be as horn ... More >>

Miami Heat vs. Orlando Magic: Behind the Eight Ball

​Well, it's official. Dwyane Wade needs a crap-load of help. Sure it was great to see D-Wade back in action last night after being sidelined with a strained calf since February 17. But even with Wade doing his usual routine of denting asses in a single bound, the Miami Heat continued to suffer fro ... More >>

Punch the Magic Dragon

​Well, it's official. Dwyane Wade needs a crap-load of help. Sure it was great to see D-Wade back in action last night after being sidelined with a strained calf since February 17. But even with Wade doing his usual routine of denting asses in a single bound, the Miami Heat continued to suffer fro ... More >>

News Roundup: Heat Loses to Magic in Overtime

Jackson Memorial Health System was granted an $80 million bailout from the city commission. [WSVN]A 19-year-old mother of two was shot in front of her children. Police are questioning the children's father and her brother. [Herald]South Florida lost nearly a third of its construction jobs ... More >>

Miami Heat vs. Orlando Magic: Ten Points

​Last night, the Miami Heat lost 108-102 to the Orlando Magic in overtime, inspiring the following ten observations about the state of our b-ball team.1. Outside of Michael Beasley (on the nights Erik Spoelstra actually lets the kid play), Dwyane Wade is all alone.2. The Magic out-rebounded Miami ... More >>

Scrap Heat

​Last night, the Miami Heat lost 108-102 to the Orlando Magic in overtime, inspiring the following ten observations about the state of our b-ball team.1. Outside of Michael Beasley (on the nights Erik Spoelstra actually lets the kid play), Dwyane Wade is all alone.2. The Magic out-rebounded Miami ... More >>

Basketball Wives: Ochocinco Throws the Worst Parties Ever

​There are a slew of talented NFL players from Miami we usually don't care too much about on Riptide unless they happen to play for the Canes or the Dolphins. Chad Ochocinco is the big exception. He is, after all, the most interesting football player in the world. He's practically a hero to us. Bu ... More >>

Basketball Wives: Love Means Throwing Water in a Bitch's Face

​The concept of marriage predates recorded history, yet here it is, the year 2010 A.D., and we are still arguing over what it "means." Luckily, important socio-documentary Basketball Wives shed some light on the debate last night. What we learned: The definition of marriage should be left to each ... More >>

DJ Rony Seikaly, former Miami Heat center, spins the jams

​The concept of marriage predates recorded history, yet here it is, the year 2010 A.D., and we are still arguing over what it "means." Luckily, important socio-documentary Basketball Wives shed some light on the debate last night. What we learned: The definition of marriage should be left to each ... More >>

Miami Heat Lands the Prized Free Agent of 1996

​Even after 14 long years, Pat Riley is a man who gets what he wants. Why? Because he's Pat Frickin' Riley, that's why. The Miami Heat signed free agent forward Juwan Howard yesterday to the veteran's minimum of $1.4 million. Back in 1996, and with much fanfare, Howard signed a $101 million deal ... More >>

Miami Ranked Ninth Coolest City by Uncool Forbes Poll

via Robot Academy​Forbes.com has decided to rank America's "coolest" cities (and they don't mean by temperature) using the decidedly square methods of polling. Miami made the top ten, so we're not exactly complaining, but somehow our Sunshine State sister Orlando came in three places higher, which ... More >>

Dwight Howard Wants Baby Mama and Basketball Wives Star Royce Reed to Pay Up $500 Million

Royce Reed in her signature thrusting pose​Despite the fact Royce Reed is a former Miami Heat dancer and current star of Miami based train wreck Basketball Wives, she's perhaps best known for being basketball star Dwight Howard's baby mama. The two haven't been on good turns since the birth of the ... More >>

LeBron James Hosting Trilogy Party at Mansion October 29

​LeBron James has been pretty vocal about his infatuation with his new home. He has tweeted his admiration for Barton G, his attendance at the recent Drake concert, and even gave a little love to Booker T. Washington High School. We should have known from the moment he said he would join the ... More >>

Fully Armed and Operational

​LeBron James has been pretty vocal about his infatuation with his new home. He has tweeted his admiration for Barton G, his attendance at the recent Drake concert, and even gave a little love to Booker T. Washington High School. We should have known from the moment he said he would join the ... More >>

If Miami Heat Lose, Hollywood Bar Will Pick Up Your Tab

This woman is drunk. So too can you be-- for free.Hollywood's Whiskey Tango All-American Bar & Grill is betting that the Miami Heat don't lose a game all season. The bar has pledged to pick up your drinks tab -- up to $25 -- if the Heat lose. The only rule is that patrons have to sign in at the ... More >>

Computers: Miami Heat Has 100 Percent Chance of Making Playoffs

​The NBA regular season kicks off tonight with the Miami Heat taking on the Boston Celetics. Those 82 games seem to be just a formality for the Heat, because AccuScore's jocky computers have declared that without even 0.1 percent of a doubt, the team will make the playoffs. Though AccuScore&n ... More >>

Miami Heat Make Home Debut Tonight Against the Magic

You get a high-five! You get a high-five! You get a high-five! Everybody gets a high-five!​Tonight is the Miami Heat's home opener against the Orlando Magic at the American Airlines Arena. The Heat are asking fans attending the game to dress in black. Boy do the Heat love doing that shit. But it'l ... More >>

Heat Take Down Magic in Home Opener

​How do you respond when one of your biggest rivals calls you a lap dog, arrogant and questions your competitiveness? By completely smashing them in the face with your awesomeness and beating the crap out of them by 26 points. That's one way to go about it. And, coincidentally enough, that's the r ... More >>

The Miami Heat Has a Secret Hand Signal; What Does It Mean?

via​After a rocky start against the Boston Celtics, the Miami Heat is off to an appropriately hot start with a three-game winning streak including Friday's domination of the Orlando Magic in the new Miami team's AAA debut. In addition to wracking up wins,they're also adding some new traditions, in ... More >>

As Heat Prepare for Celtics Tonight, Hater Schadenfreude Blows Up The Internet

Let's hate these three with everything we got. Ready? 1, 2, 3... HATE!!!​The Miami Heat host the Boston Celtics tonight at the American Airlines Arena. But did you know Miami is 5-3 eight games into the 2010-11 NBA season? They are! And because they've turned into The Most Irrationally Reviled Tea ... More >>

Heat-hating Journalists Now Dumping on 8-Year-Old LeBron Fan

How much does the media outside Miami absolutely hate the Miami Heat? So much that they're raining on the parade of an 8-year-old boy who got to meet the players as part of a special birthday present. In fact, they're completely ignoring facts to paint this kid as a front-running fan with "terrible ... More >>

Miami Heat See Huge Spike in Ticket Sales This Season, But NBA Sales Overall are Down

​This shouldn't be much of a surprise considering the team went from a one-man show to the sports world's favorite three-headed demon, but the Miami Heat have seen the greatest boost in ticket sales so far this season across the league. What is surprising is that the NBA as a whole has seen overal ... More >>

Miami Heat Had the Best Month Ever

​Back in October (when NBA championships are totally decided), ESPN columnist and consummate Heat Dick-Biter, Bill Simmons, wrote that the Big Three's biggest problem will be when they hit the road, because everyone hates them and that makes them all sad: I could see the Heat running the slate [ ... More >>

Heat Vs. Magic: Camarena Tequila Sides With the Disneyheads

​LeBron James's Miami Heat takes on Dwight Howard's Orlando Magic at the American Airlines Arena tonight in a game likely to prove whether the Heat can actually play with the big ballers. The team lost to the Knicks this week and is developing a habit of losing to top teams. How can ... More >>

Miami Heat Blow 24-Point Lead, Lose to Magic

​If last night's Miami Heat's to-do list was:-Lose to yet another quality team at home-Go ten straight possessions without scoring a basket-Have their two best players combine for two points in the second half-Allow the opponent to go on a 40-9 run-Blow a 24-point lead -Miss another last seco ... More >>

Camarena Food Truck Hits Miami Friday for WMC

​​Every March, Miami welcomes electronica-crazed masses eager to sweat and do drugs all over our Winter Music Conference. This year, Camarena Tequila will be feeding both the conference tourists, art walkers, and the food truck-crazed locals with tequila-infused tacos.You heard right. Tacos with ... More >>

Kostya Kimlat Brings Magic to Cafe DaVinci

Laine Doss Kostya Kimlat brings his "bag of tricks" to Cafe DaVinci​Kostya Kimlat has been a magician for almost two decades, even though he looks barely out of high school himself. The Ukraine-born magician, based in Orlando, performs and teaches magic around the world. Named the basketbal ... More >>

Those Dirty LeBron James and Rashard Lewis Rumors

​You might remember that last year, Fox Sports Radio personality Stephen A. Smith was the first guy to report that LeBron James indeed would be joining Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade with the Miami Heat. People laughed at him when he first Tweeted the assertion, but he looked pretty prescient after it ... More >>

Wiz Khalifa Broke Hip-Hop Code

Uncle Luke, the man whose booty-shaking madness once made the U.S. Supreme Court stand up for free speech, gets as nasty as he wants to be for Miami New Times. This week, Luke explains why Wiz Khalifa shouldn't settle for Kanye West's sloppy seconds.Wiz Khalifa needs to have his head examined. The b ... More >>

Shaq's Wire-Wearing Mistress and the Extortion Claim

Extortion, espionage, mistresses, and Delonte West's penis. Just how crazy is Shaquille O'Neal's personal life? Last February, local prosecutors met with Vanessa Lopez, a woman claiming to be O'Neal's former mistress, about an alleged extortion plot, according to a Florida Department of Law Enf ... More >>

Shaquille O'Neal wages war against a Miami computer geek

Extortion, espionage, mistresses, and Delonte West's penis. Just how crazy is Shaquille O'Neal's personal life? Last February, local prosecutors met with Vanessa Lopez, a woman claiming to be O'Neal's former mistress, about an alleged extortion plot, according to a Florida Department of Law Enf ... More >>

Heat Beats Cavs, Kendrick Perkins Is Mad at LeBron

​Dwyane Wade led the way with 26 points, while LeBron James added 24 as the Miami Heat took down the Cleveland Cavaliers 107-91 last night. The Heat will now embark on a five-road-games-in-seven-nights-palooza beginning in Orlando tonight and ending when all the players die from severe fatigu ... More >>

Heat Lose to Magic in a Barrage of Threes

​Opponents have been raining three pointers down on the Miami Heat all season long, and last night the Orlando Magic decided that was a good idea too, and hit 4,000 17 three pointers, taking the 102-89 win over Miami.Dwight Howard, who has apparently checked out and doesn't give a shit about baske ... More >>