Subject: New England Patriots

• Last Night: Second Annual Jamaican Vintage Music Festival

  October 22, 2007

• Dolphins on Path to Winless Season

  October 22, 2007

• Over the Weekend - Basel, Busta, Riley and Chavez

  December 10, 2007

• Dolphins Inflict Cruel and Unusual Punishment

  December 10, 2007

• Cleo Lemon Won't Go Away

  December 12, 2007

• Dear Cleo, So Long and Thanks For All The Suck

  December 26, 2007

• The Right Arm of God Crushes King Douche Into Fine Powder

  January 9, 2008

• Ex-Dolphins All Up In the Super Bowl

  January 31, 2008

• The '72 Dolphins Will Drink Their Champagne. And You Will Like It!

  February 5, 2008

• Let's Talk Free Agents: Defense

  February 14, 2008

• Jake Long Is Not Too Fired Up About Becoming a Dolphin The Dolphins' Schedule

  April 17, 2008

• The Dolphins Would Like to Invite the Naysayers to Eat a Dick Sandwich

  September 22, 2008

• One Of These Things Looks Like The Other

  September 23, 2008

• Pigs Fly, Dolphins Hailed as Innovators of the NFL

  September 25, 2008

• And the Football Gods Said, "Let There Be Tailgating!" And it Was Good.

  October 3, 2008

• Dolphins Manage to Beat Back Old Crappy Self, Win Fourth Straight

  Holy crap. That was close. For a while there, it seemed as if we were witnessing the return of the Shitphins. With just 4:30 remaining in a game that the Dolphins had been leading in all day, Oakland’s John Lee Higgins ran a Miami punt back 93-yards to pay dirt, giving the Raiders their first lead of the game and giving Dolphins fans everywhere a massive pain in their ass. But just as the Dolphins of old seemed to always invent newer and more glorious ways of losing games, this new-look D

  November 17, 2008

• Don't Be Afraid to Make Them Punt or Anything

  The Patriots punted once in the entire game during yesterday's 48-28 win over the Dolphins. Once. New England's offense totaled 530 yards -- the most the Dolphins defense has allowed since 1995. You could still catch brand new episodes of Seinfeld the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. Britney Spears had beautiful perky tits the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. We lived in a Linkin Park-free world the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. The only thing get

  November 24, 2008

• Because Sometimes Winning Ugly Beats Not Winning At All

  Once again, the Miami Dolphins had to pull unicorns and rainbows out their asses to keep from losing to a two-win team. But pull the magic from their bottoms they did, as they took down the hapless St. Louis Rams 16-12, for their seventh win of the season. Drive killing penalties, a stagnant running game, dropped passes, and another serious injury to a key player would kill any team's chances at winning a football game. Fortunately, the Rams are just a tad more inept than the Dolphins. So, bull

  December 1, 2008

• The Dolphins' Ass-Kicking Prowess Has Gone International

  Holy sugartits is this a magical time to be a Dolphins fan! They're just displaying all kinds of dexterity in the ass-kicking department, as they did yesterday when they flew into Canada's Rogers Centre and delivered a beatdown to the rival Buffalo Bills. The Fins defeated Buffalo 16-3 in front of a crowd of Canadians that can only be described as moderé, which in French I think means, "I am unimpressed with your game of futbol, so I shall wave my genitals in your general direction, sacrebleu!

  December 8, 2008

• Weekend Football: Three-Ways and 49ers

  San Francisco 49ers @ Miami Dolphins, 1 p.m. on Fox.Your Miami Dolphins are involved in a hot, sexy three-way with the New York Jets and the New England Patriots, but no one can decide who's going to be on top ... of the AFC East division. The menage-a-trois may very well climax when Miami meet the Jets in the last game of the regular season, but our Fins have to finish off two other teams before we get there. Enter the 49ers. They surprisingly beat the Jets last week, which helped elevate Miami

  December 12, 2008

• Sad Pats Fans Will Have to Suck It Up and Root for the Jets

  Is there anything more annoying than Boston sports fans? No sir, there is not. Since 2004, their teams have won a Super Bowl, an NBA Championship, and two World Series, which I'm sure you know if you've talked to any Bostonian for more than five seconds. Now Bostonians are going to have to suck it up, and, dear God, give up all that is holy and root for a New York team. Not just any NY team, but the one coached by the guy who reported Belichick last year for illegally videotaping coach signal

  December 22, 2008

• It Has Come To This: Dolphins vs Jets

  Miami Dolphins @ New York Jets, Sunday Dec 28th 4:15pm on CBSSomewhere on this very blog earlier in the season I quipped something about how betting against the Dolphins was a more sound investment than anything the stock market has to offer. Well, guess what? I took my advice and now I am a poor, poor man. Sorry family, all your Christmas gifts were found on the side of Biscayne Blvd. I mean, Look where these Dolphins are now! They are playing against this Jet team for a chance to take the

  December 24, 2008

• More Dumb Dolphins Rumors: Could They Sign Mangini as an Assistant?

  Talk about burying an explosive detail. CBS Sports correspondent Mike Freeman has a column up today theorizing that recently fired Jets Coach Eric Mangini won't find himself with another NFL head coaching job anytime soon thanks to wide spread speculation that he ratted New England Coach Bill Belichick out last year during Spygate. Apparently the NFL is like the mafia, and no one wants to deal with a suspected rat. Then Freeman speculates that he might end up with an assistant coaching job at

  December 31, 2008

• Well, There's Always Next Season

  With news today that Bill Parcells will stay with the Dolphins, it seems a good bet that the heart of the resurgent Miami Dolphins will stay put for next season. Yeah, yesterday's game was a heartbreaking thing to behold, but after the greatest season-to-season turnaround in NFL history, Dolfans have little to be disappointed with, and even if this season was made possible by a healthy dose of good luck, it might not be silly talk to speculate the Fins may get another shot at the playoffs next

  January 5, 2009

• It Was Fun While It Lasted: Dolphins Have the Hardest NFL Schedule in 2009

  All the naysayers (me included, often) think the Dolphins' roller coaster 2008 season ought to come with a few caveats: "Yeah, yeah, but Tom Brady was out the entire season... Sure, but the Jets had that old guy... Well, the wildcat won't be as effective next year... Whatever, you had an easy schedule." If somehow we come out atop the AFC East again next year (hey, it could happen), haters will have to keep their mouths shut. According to ESPN, the Fins have the hardest schedule in the entire NF

  February 3, 2009

• Swelter

  February 24, 1993

• Don't Even Think About It, Jason Taylor

  Jason Taylor spent 11 long years with the Miami Dolphins, the last of which was particularly embarrassing, but did our love not make up for it? It wasn't a Dan Marino type of love, but we loved him in a way a city loves the standout star of their otherwise helpless professional football team. We even cheered for him on Dancing with the Stars. Then, after some mild diva-like behavior during the off-season, he was the victim of one of the worse-timed trades of 2008. He went to D.C., where he kind

  March 30, 2009

• Last Time Unemployment Was This High It Was A Pretty Good Year For Miami

  Unemployment in America has reached 8.5%, the highest it's been since 1983! Egads! Remember those horrible times of 1983 -- I don't, because I was not born -- but it actually seems that 1983 was a banner year for Miami. Maybe history will repeat itself. The Miami Hurricanes won their first NCAA Division 1-A football championship, kicking off their run as "team of the 80's." The Miami Dolphins meanwhile drafted a quarterback known as Dan Marino, and finished first in the AFC East, four games ahea

  April 3, 2009

• Next Stop: Carnage

  The suddenly resurgent Dolphins take on the hated Patriots.

  November 20, 2008

• Party Like It’s 1993

  The Buffalo Bills and Miami Dolphins renew their rivalry in a must-win game.

  October 23, 2008

• Wildcat Dolphins

  New-look Miami Dolphins take on the Ravens.

  October 16, 2008

• Holy Crap! They Won?

  The Dolphins beat the Pats! Now it’s the Chargers’ turn.

  October 2, 2008

• Fashion for the Ass-tro Turf

  March 27, 2008

• Swim for the Win

  October 18, 2007

• Letters from the Issue of September 1 , 2005

  September 1, 2005

• Dump This Dolphin!

  August 11, 2005

• Hip-Hop Hoops

  May 26, 2005

• Memorial Day Weekend

  May 26, 2005

• Gridiron Generosity

  May 19, 2005

• PERSONAL BEST

  May 12, 2005

• BEST RESTAURANT IN SOUTH MIAMI

  May 12, 2005

• BEST LOCAL RAP RELEASE OF THE PAST TWELVE MONTHS

  May 12, 2005

• Night&Day

  December 16, 2004

• BEST TRADE (SPORTS TEAM)

  May 15, 2003

• News of the Weird

  March 13, 1997

• News Roundup

  A county program that helped low-income people pay their utility bills will be shut down because the county was overwhelmed by the amount of applications that came in. [CBS4]Whiney Fidel Castro says America is infecting Cuba with swine flu, but not intentionally. [CBS4]For the 21st time this year, a slaughtered horse was found in South Florida. [Herald]Gas prices in South Florida have hit a high for 2009. The average is now $2.72 a gallon. [CBS4]PoliticsOnly 22 percent of Republicans would vote

  November 2, 2009

• News Roundup

  Manny Diaz on the "breather" citizens apparently wanted by elected Regalado: "We are now competing with the rest of the world. If we take a breather, the rest of the world will pass us by." [CBS4]A Miami native who spent 17 years in jail for stealing Rolexes got out of jail in 2007 and is heading back to jail after stealing eight more Rolexes. [AP]The mayor of Hialeah and two council members will be re-sworn in today after facing trivial opposition for re-election. This is exactly how our F

  November 6, 2009

• Miami Dolphins Preview: One Insufferable Fanbase Down, One To Go

  ​When last we saw our Miami Dolphins, they were busy beating the bejesus out of the shitdipping trash-talking New York Jets, and silencing their shitdipping trash-talking fans in the process. It was one of the most satisfying wins in recent memory. Jason Taylor was able to talk some trash of his own about New York, and Ted Ginn Jr. - fresh off his redeeming record-setting 2 kickoff return touchdown performance - was compared to Jesus Christ by his offensive coordinator. Not too shabby.This wee

  November 7, 2009

• Miami Dolphins Lose: Hauntingly Familiar

  ​When Vontae Davis started off the game with a leaping interception that can only be described as Fuck Yea!, the consensus feeling was the Dolphins were going to make this one interesting. Maybe even pull off the upset. Alas, it was not to be. The Patriots were able to show us, once again, that the Dolphins are good, but not good enough. And that there are more than a few weaknesses that need to be addressed before Miami can play with the big boys (i.e. - Colts, Saints, Patriots) and actually

  November 9, 2009

• Miami Dolphins Preview: Win or Call It a Season

  ​And so we come to this. Sitting at 4-5, the Miami Dolphins face a must-win situation tonight as take on the equally desperate (and some would say equally craptastic) 4-5 Carolina Panthers. The winner will experience the sweet taste of being a .500 team for the first time this season while embarking on an epic journey of chasing the Wildcard spot in its respective conference (tastes like victory). The loser will experience the not-so-sweet taste of having its season pretty much done (tastes li

  November 19, 2009